It was a busy day for Dee, it was after art class, besides, her teacher taught them how to fold a crane. Dee took a few tries to fold them correctly. Well finally she did! RING, RING! The school bell rang as grandpa was waiting for her outside school.
"Hello grandpa" cried Dee.
Grandpa asked Dee, "do you know what day is it today?"
"Its Friday the last day of school!" replied Dee.
"No, no, no, it's noodle time" shouted grandpa.
"Not so loud grandpa", as everybody stared at them and looked away!
"hehe", smiled grandpa.
As they arrived at the coffee shop they saw that it was too crowded. So they decided to take a look if there was an available table.
Soon they found a table where they could eat at but there was a bag on one of the seats. Dee wanted to open it but grandpa stopped her and said "Dee maybe there is someone who is buying their food and left their bag there."
Dee agreed and spotted a man holding a bowl of noodles coming towards the table. "See, Dee ,there is the owner of the bag!" Exclaimed grandpa.
Dee asked the man if we could share the table and the man agreed. As soon as they put down their bag, CRASH! A big car accident just happened in the car park and surprisingly the car could still move. Was it a car that cannot be damaged? The car came towards the coffee shop.
Everyone was panicking and screaming, grandpa and the teenagers eating at the coffee shop closed the doors so that the car cannot come in. One of them called the police to further investigate what had happened.
Dee heard a boy with his baby sister crying, so Dee approached them and gave them one of her paper cranes that she did in art class. While waiting for the police to arrive, Dee taught them how to fold the paper crane and they didn't cry anymore. Their mother thanked Dee for entertaining them while waiting for the police to arrive.
Within minutes, the man who drove the car was arrested and he was one of the people who escaped jail and wanted to harm people.
When Dee got home she promised grandpa that she will not tell anyone what had happened so that mum and dad will not get worried!
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,777 Reviews
Hi legolas1122,
Mailice here with a short review!
An interesting short story with an unexpected tone, I think. I was surprised how the story developed, especially in this brevity we have here. What strikes me most is the actually very positive tone we have here from beginning to end, as if we're alternating a bit between omniscient narrator and Dee here.
I like that especially in some places where the sentences are a bit unusual, or you're trying to use onomatopoeia to describe things than you would see in a standard story.
Another thing that struck me was the pacing of the story. I notice that you were in a hurry there, and especially from the second half, a lot of it ends in a rapid tone. You build up some questions and answers where we don't have the questions and answers. In fact, in the way you express it, it seems like this is a much bigger part than just what we see, almost like an excerpt.
Other points I noticed while reading:
I assume you mean origami by this? Because it seems a bit cruel at first, if you take it literal.
I think the "it" is too much. One thing I've noticed in your dialogues is how you sometimes don't get along with capitalisation here. I would recommend that you read over it before you publish it.
That's what I meant earlier, that a lot of it feels like it's switching between perspectives. I like that because I think that already makes the story special because it has a unique tone.
In summary, a really great story that still needs some polishing.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well this was quite a fun story to read. It had a really simple plot and I think you did quite a good job with it. It's definitely come along really nicely here. I certainly enjoyed reading it. Its definitely a nice relaxed overall feel to it.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...a fairly normal star there...nothing too interesting to go off of at the start here...well let's see where this story is headed. It seems like its all quite generic stuff for the moment, nothing to instantly bring in a sense of mystery or anything.
Well that's a fun little conversation...pretty realistic dialogue too there...so good job there
Okay....I'm liking the overall vibe of this story so far. Just seems like a nice simple story that's quite relaxing to read as well. Let's see where this is headed.
Okay...that's some pretty good advice from grandpa, thats a nice little gem to add there...makes the whole story just that little bit better that way.
Oh dear...that sounds potentially horrifying but I love how the first thoughts here are all about how the car is still moving despite getting hit quite hard...
Yup...horrifying situation indeed...well this certainly took a turn from being a relaxing story to quite an interesting one here.
Aww...well that was quite an unexpected sweet moment there. I absolutely did not see that one coming but I certainly don't mind seeing that...that's for sure.
Well..that must have been quite an interesting day out for her...well...that's a nice end to a pretty neat little story.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall I would say I really like this story. It was definitely a ton of fun to read, and the relationship between Dee and her grandpa was already written quite well here which is also a plus. Well...at any rate, that's all I've gotta say.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey there!
This is a really fun and cute short story! I love the noodle time cx I have a few things I'd like to point out, if you don't mind!
"It was a busy day for Dee, it was after art class, besides, her teacher taught them how to fold a crane."
This is a run-on sentence. Here's one way you can rewrite it: "It was a busy day for Dee. Her teacher taught them how to fold a crane."
"Hello grandpa" cried Dee.
You need to capitalize Grandpa since it is used as a name, and you need a comma after Grandpa since you're ending your quotations. You forget the comma at the end of other quotations, which you can hopefully find after showing you this example!
"Hello, Grandpa," cried Dee.
Grandpa asked Dee, "do you know what day is it today?"
should be
Grandpa asked Dee, "Do you know what day is it today?"
"Its Friday..."
"Its" should be "It's" since you are saying "It is"
"As they arrived at the coffee shop they saw that it was too crowded. So they decided to take a look if there was an available table."
I would combine these sentences like "...it was too crowded, so they decided..."
Soon they found a table where they could eat at but there was a bag on one of the seats. Dee wanted to open it but grandpa stopped her and said "Dee maybe there is someone who is buying their food and left their bag there."
You're missing commas, which I have inserted below. You're missing commas in other places like this. Basically, when you have a conjunction connecting two independent classes, you need a comma before the conjunction.
Soon they found a table where they could eat at, but there was a bag on one of the seats. Dee wanted to open it, but grandpa stopped her and said, "Dee maybe there is someone who is buying their food and left their bag there."
Dee agreed and spotted a man holding a bowl of noodles coming towards the table. "See, Dee ,there is the owner of the bag!" Exclaimed grandpa.
"Exclaimed" shouldn't be capitalized.
Haha, that ending is funny and relatable xD
Overall, this is a fun and cute story! I hope this didn't cope off as too critical, and I hope this review helped!
thank you for reviewing
Hey there Legolas! Here for Team Tortoise.
Aww!!! This made me smile. Noodle time
I love Grandpa’s subtle helpful hints to Dee about morally good behavior!! And Dee easily agrees. That’s really nice.
This was a really endearing read! Dee’s kindness is really apparent, especially at the end when she teaches the boy and his sister how to do the origami paper cranes she learned in class. I also think Dee’s grandpa seems sooo sweet. You were able to capture Dee and her grandpa’s kind personalities very well in such a small space!
One note—because “grandpa” here is used as a proper noun, it should be capitalized! Because Dee is using Grandpa as a name, that means it’s a proper noun. Anyway, that’s a small little thing!
One thing I’m a bit confused about was the ending. Is the car trying to crash into the coffee shop? That must be one tiny car if it’s trying to get in the shop haha!! I like the tension that was built up there, with everyone inside panicking, I’m just not sure how realistic it is! Also, the car seems to be almost invicible—I would love if there was some explanation why! Like, is it made with super strong materials??? :0 Or maybe it’s magic?? I think some more explanation and expansion on the car and the car crash would be really nice and could help smooth out what’s happening.
I hope this review helped! Such a cute story. Keep writing my friend!
Peace,
~EternalRain
hi EternalRain it's legolas1122
and i just wanna ask what is team tortise
well thank you for your review !:)
Team Tortoise is an event where you review every day for the entire month!
oh thank you
Hello @legolas1122 im @potter4life and im here to review your story!
Firstly,this was a good job since it was your first story and i would like to point out some stuff that may help you along the way!
Firstly,
you wrote
"😀hehe", smiled grandpa.- This isnt really a word so do take note when you are writing
Secondly,
"Not so loud grandpa", as everybody stared at them and looked away!
you should add in a said or whispered or a form of communication in between the speech so readers can understand what dee is saying. The exclamation mark was not very necassary so do take note.
I hope this was helpful!!
From,
Potter4life
thank you i will improve on it !:)
@poter4life thank you
Hey,
Here's to review.
There are various instances in the story like
" RING, RING! The school bell rang as grandpa was waiting for her outside school. "
Here you are outrightly mentioned word "RING" as the bell rang. When a bullet is fired from a gun the phase is "CLICK CLACK BLOW"and not "THAIN THAIN" as one would perceive. So there are various adjective in english language that could be used in its place.
Furthermore, not to be a critic, when sharing experiences as a scribble try to be as thorough as possible in English language while taking care of all possible rules of language.
E.g.
"Grandpa asked Dee, "do you know what day is it today?""
In this D of do should be capital.
There are various instances when you have left two spaces after full stops. These things should be looked after because if you don't follow rules then not only your work is unpresentable but also childish and naive. Don't take any offence.
"A big car accident just happened in the car park and surprisingly the car could still move. Was it a car that cannot be damaged? The car came towards the coffee shop."
Car came towards the coffee shop. You refer to it as a living entity as if it had legs.
thank you i will improve on it !:)
No worries sisssssss
WELCOMEEE
hey !thanks
@potter4life
Hi! Stormblessed here!
This story is really cute! The writing style really made it sound as if a little girl was telling the story.
I don't have a lot to criticize, which is good, but heres what I did notice:
The first sentence was a little awkward.
"It was a busy day for Dee, it was after art class, besides, her teacher taught them how to fold a crane"
Maybe leave out the "besides" and write more like this?
"Today was a busy day for Dee, she'd had art class, and her teacher had taught them how to fold a crane!"
Another thing is the emoji. You really shouldn't use emojis when writing a story. You already said that he smiled as he laughed, so the emoji makes it redundant.
Last thing. When Dee says Grandpa, it should be capitalized, since this is a proper noun.
Other than that, it think it's great! I love the way Dee thinks, and how she interacts with the world around her.
How this helped!
Keep writing,
Stormblessed
thank you i will improve on it !:)
Hi, legolas!
This story is short and sweet. I liked reading it, and the ending made me smile. It's a really sweet bond between Dee and her grandfather that you've shown here, and I can see a lot of effort!
I'm going to review this carefully. Please don't be offended if my review seems very critical; I just want to help you improve your story.
Let's begin.
How about capitalizing the first letters of the words in the title of the story? Like this: "The Runaway Car".
Try to avoid emojis while writing. Just say "he smiled", or something like that, okay? Emojis are generally not used in writing.
Whenever a speech begins, the first word should always be capitalized!
After a speech ends, you should use commas, or other punctuation that suits the speech. This is only one example I've given. Keep this in mind when you write again! There should also be a comma right before someone starts talking, and in between wherever it is necessary, like this:
I also see that you're having some trouble with tenses. If you want to know more about tenses and how to use them, maybe this will help: https://www.grammarly.com/blog/verb-tenses/
That's it! I hope you have a good day. If my review was too critical, I'm sorry! Just trying to help.
- Lee
thank you i will improve on it !:)
Hi everyone if you have time review it !
thank you ! legolas1122