My feelings are brittle.
My heart is cold.
Why don’t you care?
I’m powerless to stop.
It’s lingering inside.
Why can’t you hold me?
I can still feel you.
I can hold onto everything
The tighter I hold onto it,
The more I know it’s gone.
These words are meaningless.
It’s my time to end.
It’s your turn to go.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
Hey, there. Hope you're day is going well...and still is, after the harsh review I'm about to type.
So, I didn't really like this, in truth, it was one of the worst poems I've read today. The punctuation needs work, but that's hardly comparable to what else needs work in this dull-cardboard poem. This was like reading a work of nightmares. It was dull, drab, and all things I don't like. Cliched topic which I wouldn't mind if you would have executed it nicely. And, in my opinion, you didn't.
This was a hole in terms of imagery; that was terrible. Very. Imagery creates feeling, in a way. You also need to use some metaphors, some similies. Make us feel for you.
This does have potential. You just need to expand it from it's current cardboard form.
And, welcome to YWS.
Tata.
--Mizz
P.S. I'm sorry if I was harsh. You need the truth to get better. No truth, no progress. Bye bye now.
Well, I don't quite agree with Ben (sorry Ben) but I do agree with everyone else. Add some imagery! This also just seemed cold, and flat to me. Round it out. Add some more emotion.
I do agree with Ben in terms of punctuation. That needs work.
This is a good start! Welcome to YWS.
--Dreamy
Hey there!
Welcome to YWS!
Unfortunately, I disagree with the above, but hey.
Okay, in poetry I think grammar's extremely important because it creates fluency as well as tone. I'm sure you know what these mean, if not drop me a PM. Anyway, I think the fluency in this poem's a bit choppy; due to your full stops and I think it's easily improved:
Anyway, I can't really nitpick or review any further because I think the content was truly fantastic! It's one of the best pieces of rhythmic poetry I've read that grasps the attention of me all the way through because of the images your creating.
The effect is brilliant.
The structure is good - could do with a tiny bit of revision on longer lines.
The vocabulary is flawless.
The ending is perfect.
The start is gripping.
The meaning is ACE.
However
The punctuation needs work.
The tone should be improved if you alter the punctuation; do a careful bit of revision and reading aloud just incase.
The orginality isn't great but this is easily sorted overtime.
Very good! So happy you joined!
Keep writing!
Ben.
Thanks both of those help a lot i'll be sure to use more imagery!
Hey there.
Your poem is the typical teenage angst/rant one. There really isn't anything original about it, just a slightly different way of saying the exact same thing. Plus your lack of imagery and poetic devices make it just it a line by line read.
I'd much rather have a cliche poem with metaphors (anyone whatsoever) then one without.
Introduce things like similes and metaphors in your poems. Those are the basic one that once you get right will send you sky rocketing when it comes to poetry.
Good Luck.
Kamas
PS. I'm sorry if I sound terribly harsh.
Hey there!
Firstly, you might want to call this something else. Maybe think of a great name for your poem or something?
Now, some suggestions:
Now, why not expand on these lines? Why not get some imagery here, huh? These are great ideas, so expanding on them would be a really wonderful idea? It's best if the imagery you use is unique, that way you can avoid all clichés and make the poem great!
So, yeah, my biggest thing here would be for you to expand on your ideas and bump this poem up from good, to great!
Hope I helped!
~Amy
thank you helps me a lot!!
First of all, welcome! And you may want to put an eye-catching title on your piece, and put that it's your first post in the body of the work.
Anyways,
I feel like this is a better grouping of your lines. You might want to think about spacing it to(in order for your spaces to come out when you submit, you go the the options tab beneath and bubble in the "story" option, I think.)
For the most part, you have beautiful rhythm. The problematic thing here is fluency; some parts originally are chopppy and a little disorganized. I'm not convinced I did too great of a job fixing it, either.
Great first post!
Hope to see more of you around yws.
*****The Universe******