Young Writers Society

Hey Ibprice! Welcome to YWS!

This poem was not something new or extremely amazing. But it was still something I could relate to. The emotions that you brought in this poem were effective and I found myself reading on, anticipating each line. The rhythm and flow of this poem, is something I feel you need to work on. Even though it's rather disturbing, I found myself going through this poem fairly smoothly.

I'm sorry, I know this review sounds pretty scarred. But I'm trying to help out here.

The thing is the lengths of the verses in this poem varied too much much to give it an effective rhythm. The words were nicely chosen which helped to minimize the disturbance of the various lengths of the verses.

Hope this helped!

lbprice wrote:Four.
Our number,
our years of nothing but together.
The title we dubbed upon ourselves.
Minutes on here, add on there.
Someone got left out, someone else was introduced;
yet ultimately, we've all stayed the same.
Stayed dependent on each other,
for friendships. for laughs. for tears. for memories. for love.
The deepest love you can feel for the ones who were meant to be a part of you,
for the ones who know your every thought, emotion, regret, ambition
for the ones who your life would be vacant without
from birthdays to boyfriends. from moving to quitting.
Ever-changing.
Us, our friendship, and the things we need from each other.
Our anticipated adolescence brought us together with every intent of tearing us apart.
But our journey has made us inseparable.
Despite distance and time,
we will always be together.
in our hearts. in our souls
Oh, how i love the bond we share
and i will never be complete without it.

The ending left me hanging. I wanted it to finish. I felt as though it was not adequate enough. "I will never be complete without it" is a very cliche line.

Here's a few lines I thought were mediocre:
"yet ultimately, we've all stayed the same."
Maybe a ryhme after this could fix it up a bit.

"Despite distance and time,
we will always be together."
How many times have I heard this? Enough to say, IT'S NOT ORIGINAL. Trust me. I would delete this line completely.


Good lines:
"The deepest love you can feel for the ones who were meant to be a part of you,
for the ones who know your every thought, emotion, regret, ambition
for the ones who your life would be vacant without
from birthdays to boyfriends. from moving to quitting. "
I felt you put your own twist to an old thing here. It was very well done.


"Four.
Our number,
our years of nothing but together.
The title we dubbed upon ourselves.
Minutes on here, add on there.
Someone got left out, someone else was introduced;"
I could see this in a book right now!

I love this poem! it was strong, to the point, and made complete sense. Great job! I know what you mean by your four friends. I have the same group kind of thing myself.

Well, here are my corrections.

1) I never saw any capital letters. I know its a poem, and poems, usually dont use periods, but you did, and if you ask me that made it much stronger. SO just go through, and capitalize those first letters of those sentences capital!

Secondly

inseparable.

I have to say, I've read many poems very very similar to this. So, my advice to you is to experiment with emotions and wordplay--but mainly emotions. Don't worry about sounding "poetic". Don't worry about rhyming (it's just spice, anyway, and what you need to establish at the moment is a good entree). All you need to worry about is making the reader feel something, making us relate, making us care. The rest comes in time.

Best of luck!
~Ed