Published June 11, 2010
When thy eyes touched mine
For the very first time
I knew it would be forever
That we were meant to stay together
And I had to keep my faith
Because my only love sprung from my only hate
For thou I was lying here
In this cold and dark place
Thy voice I was supposed to hear
But our dream became our disgrace
Why could not thou wait for a little while?
For I would wake up and smile
I can not stop my tears now
As my eyes try not to see thee
Oh, love could not be more wise to me!
With thy dagger I make a vow:
By taking this brief life
I shall always be thy hopeless wife.
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The only other things that I see is that, this is a very jumpy poem, and that some of the older words are very pushed into this. I think it shouldn't be so forced.
Other than that I liked it.
-Flower-
Hey, Dreamy here to do a review!
Okay, to be honest, this poem was extremely confusing. It's very jumpy, and the added words of "thy and thou" don't help much to clarify. Now, If you were writing this poem in old English, thy and thou would be perfectly acceptable. But as you don't use old English, they are out of place. The lovely thing about old English is their complicated word choice. They wouldn't use words like "little" , at least not regularly. Words like "short" would sound better.
If your language is consistent, it will clear up the poem a bit. You writing, however, is a bit jumpy as well. You kind of make Juliet seem like a spazz. It basically goes "I love you forever, hey, it's cold and dark, woah, wait up, for I would smile, hm, I think I'll kill myself.
You need to space things out and clarify. Add transitions between all those parts so it's clear what's happening. Add some emotion. How exactly is she feeling?
This has the makings of a good poem, but it needs a lot of work. Keep writing!
-Dreamy
I love your poem, but there's a few things I thought just stood out.
Try changing 'could not thou' with 'why couldn't'? It just seems like there's too many words in that line.
And 'For I would wake up and smile' doesn't fit the rest of the lines after it.
I hope i helped a little.