True i didn't really put much thought into this, but I did have meaning behind my words. This peom is from the perpective of not just one woman but the spirit of women from the begining of time. Let me explain a few bits:) (Note: they = men) 'A creature of mystery is what they call me.' -this is talking about how woman are perceived as 'mysterious', kind of like of men never know what were thinking. 'Though times have aged me, challenged, and fit me' -maybe 'fit' wasn't the best word, but what im trying to convey is how womans bodies and what is considered beautiful has changed and been challenged. Example; different fashions, corsets, ect. 'My eyes still hypnotize there unseen souls.' -that men are always thinking of women. 'My teeth plunge deep into their bones.' -that their bodies also are effected. 'I am the same, -that no matter how much times change, the core and soul of me stay the same. strong by nature, -natural strength, mentally and physically (example: having babies:P) passionate for more." -passionate for more of life in general
A creature of mystery is what they call me. A creature of beauty is what they see. Though times have aged me, challenged, and fit me, my eyes still hypnotize their unseen souls.
I am the same, strong by nature, passionate for more. My teeth plunge deep into their bones. A creature of mystery is what they called me. A woman, is what I am.
I'll have to repeat what you have said yourself here:
laylaflame wrote:challenged, and fit me,
When I first read it through, I didn't think it the way you intended it. I thought you mean 'fit' as in fitness and strength. I read the line as in a woman being more fit. But that wasn't what you were intending. So, can I suggest you to change the word to something else that better conveys your meaning? I just think that another word would do your meanings justice instead of 'fit'.
Tiny, tiny nit-pick:
laylaflame wrote:Though times have aged me, challenged, and fit me,
I don't think that there needs to be two 'me's in those two lines. I think that you can cut off the first one. Although, this is me being really nit-picky.
I quite liked the poem, I'm not sure if this is how you intended the poem to be sent across, but, I liked how you presented women as a 'creature' it does make it woman seemed more alien-ish in the eyes of men. I also liked how you generalised the time frame, culture and such. It makes the woman kind seems more united and together. Overall, good job, I'd say.
THIS POEM IS AMAZING!!! I love your poems =) There always so different and cool and don't change it!! Because it is great!!! Its really meaningful and I like it when poems arn't so easy to understand right away. Its makes them more interesting and pro like yours =D I like - the times have aged me- bit the best =) It's not fair =( Your poems are always good. BYE LAYLIEEEEEEEEE, you have to tell me when you write stuff so I can review them >:)
I like this. It's really good, although, I agree, you do need to expand on your ideas just a bit more. It was, like, you stated them, but just moved on, and didn't expand on them at all. It's a good start, though! Keep it up!
This poem was interesting, though the delivery was a bit so-so. As said before I understand the idea, but it seems as though the idea was not expanded enough. I know women are creatures of mystery, but I want to know why. Why do your eyes hypnotize? What makes your presence so mesmerizing? What does it tell me about myself? are questions you should ask yourself when writing a poem with this lofty theme.
Well, I get the idea, but YOU didn’t quite get it. You really need to read over everything. If one thing doesn’t fit, well, take it out. Every word, phrase, and sentence should keep the same flow. I loved it; don’t get me wrong, its just it could have been a lot better. It seemed like you had an idea, you just did have enough words or phrases. You need to review and re-write. Good luck!
- I don't think the comma after 'mystery' is necessary. The separation of the lines, in my opinion, already create pause.
A creature of beauty,
- Same thing about the comma
challenged, and fit me,
- I don't get what you meant with 'fit' here.
my eyes still hypnotize,
- Remove the comma.
I am the same, strong by nature, passionate for more.
- I think it should be a hyphen after 'same'. - I don't get the use of 'by' in 'strong by nature'. - What exactly is she passionate for more? It seems vague.
My teeth pludge deep,
- Did you mean 'plunge'? - Remove the comma.
A creature of mystery,
- Remove the comma. - Also, I don't get what's so mysterious about her.
A woman, is what I am.
- Remove the comma. - Also, this feels like a weak ending.
- - - - - - -
I don't think I like this poem. I don't dislike it either. I just think that it needs a bit more polishing. Nevertheless, I like the rhyming and the style in which you described the persona. I also like the simplicity of the poem.
Never stop writing!
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I'll have to repeat what you have said yourself here:
When I first read it through, I didn't think it the way you intended it. I thought you mean 'fit' as in fitness and strength. I read the line as in a woman being more fit. But that wasn't what you were intending. So, can I suggest you to change the word to something else that better conveys your meaning? I just think that another word would do your meanings justice instead of 'fit'.
Tiny, tiny nit-pick:
I don't think that there needs to be two 'me's in those two lines. I think that you can cut off the first one. Although, this is me being really nit-picky.
I quite liked the poem, I'm not sure if this is how you intended the poem to be sent across, but, I liked how you presented women as a 'creature' it does make it woman seemed more alien-ish in the eyes of men. I also liked how you generalised the time frame, culture and such. It makes the woman kind seems more united and together. Overall, good job, I'd say.
THIS POEM IS AMAZING!!! I love your poems =) There always so different and cool and don't change it!! Because it is great!!! Its really meaningful and I like it when poems arn't so easy to understand right away. Its makes them more interesting and pro like yours =D I like - the times have aged me- bit the best =) It's not fair =( Your poems are always good.
BYE LAYLIEEEEEEEEE, you have to tell me when you write stuff so I can review them >:)
I like this. It's really good, although, I agree, you do need to expand on your ideas just a bit more. It was, like, you stated them, but just moved on, and didn't expand on them at all. It's a good start, though! Keep it up!
This poem was interesting, though the delivery was a bit so-so. As said before I understand the idea, but it seems as though the idea was not expanded enough. I know women are creatures of mystery, but I want to know why. Why do your eyes hypnotize? What makes your presence so mesmerizing? What does it tell me about myself? are questions you should ask yourself when writing a poem with this lofty theme.
Well, I get the idea, but YOU didn’t quite get it. You really need to read over everything. If one thing doesn’t fit, well, take it out. Every word, phrase, and sentence should keep the same flow. I loved it; don’t get me wrong, its just it could have been a lot better. It seemed like you had an idea, you just did have enough words or phrases. You need to review and re-write. Good luck!
Hello there.
Nitpicks:
- I don't think the comma after 'mystery' is necessary. The separation of the lines, in my opinion, already create pause.
- Same thing about the comma
- I don't get what you meant with 'fit' here.
- Remove the comma.
- I think it should be a hyphen after 'same'.
- I don't get the use of 'by' in 'strong by nature'.
- What exactly is she passionate for more? It seems vague.
- Did you mean 'plunge'?
- Remove the comma.
- Remove the comma.
- Also, I don't get what's so mysterious about her.
- Remove the comma.
- Also, this feels like a weak ending.
I don't think I like this poem. I don't dislike it either. I just think that it needs a bit more polishing. Nevertheless, I like the rhyming and the style in which you described the persona.
Never stop writing!