February 11, 2016
11:32 pm
Dear you know who you are,
I’m sorry that I wasted a month of your life.
You see, I’ve been alive for quite some time,
And I’ve been called countless names for the fact that
I didn’t choose to be this way.
I’ve been told hell is the only place for me.
I’ve been forgotten by my family,
My “friends” wont even talk to me.
I swear
I had good intentions at first but
Eventually it just started to be a cover up
Of me hoping something would click in my brain
Praying family would see something different
And call me up to see how I was doing
Because you know
They haven’t talked to me since seventh grade
You know what I realized three weeks in?
No matter how many times I try to lie to myself
The fact of the matter is,
I just don’t swing your way.
I wanted to be different for so long, and hey
Maybe we can be friends when I learn to forgive myself
For what I did
Even if you’re clueless.
{LAVANDER}
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
Hey there, welcome to YWS
WOW.this poem is amazing.
I sort of loved everything about it.I mean yeah it's all about regret,guilt and stuff like that but it still is very beautiful.
First of all I loved the title of your poem. To the guy I used to hide myself- Smart choice of words:-)
The date and time gives it the theme of a diary entry (don't know if that was intentional) and that's sort of my thing:-P
I like the flow if your poem. Its really perfect and requires zero editing
"The fact of the matter is,
I just don’t swing your way.
I wanted to be different for so long, and hey
Maybe we can be friends when I learn to forgive myself
For what I did
Even if you’re clueless."- PERFECT. Personally there are the favourite lines from your poem.
I like the way this poem ends with a promise and self realisation.
Thanx for sharing this.
never quit writing
Fangirl ~
Hey there, welcome to YWS
WOW.this poem is amazing.
I sort of loved everything about it.I mean yeah it's all about regret,guilt and stuff like that but it still is very beautiful.
First of all I loved the title of your poem. To the guy I used to hide myself- Smart choice of words:-)
The date and time gives it the theme of a diary entry (don't know if that was intentional) and that's sort of my thing:-P
I like the flow if your poem. Its really perfect and requires zero editing
"The fact of the matter is,
I just don’t swing your way.
I wanted to be different for so long, and hey
Maybe we can be friends when I learn to forgive myself
For what I did
Even if you’re clueless."- PERFECT. Personally there are the favourite lines from your poem.
I like the way this poem ends with a promise and self realisation.
Thanx for sharing this.
never quit writing
Fangirl ~
I love this poem so much. It "speaks to my soul" as I like to say. I can relate and I feel for the speaker, and I think that you are an excellent poet. I can feel loneliness and guilt and acceptance under the words, emotions that I have felt myself. I only wish I could put as much feeling into my words that you can into yours. Even though your poem isn't exceptional in word choice or structure, that is what makes it what it is- beautiful. Thank you for sharing this poem.
Hello! Dropping in for a review.
First and foremost, I wanted to say that this is a piece I could personally relate to. My assumption is that it's about growing up LGBT in a household, environment, or community that uses religion as a weapon against it. The emotions are obvious- anger, hurt, and a certain, lingering guilt that we all have to try to defeat as time wears on.
The poem was very minimalistic, which isn't bad at all in and of itself, but I couldn't help but find it a little lacking in originality and... poetic function, I suppose. Not all good poems are written with dazzling imagery and nuanced metaphor (and there are certainly some horrible poems with those things!), but I've found that all good poems do involve cleverness in the way the words are strewn rogether, and they all require a flow or a rhythm of some kind. This poem, whereas it has the raw emotional charge to be a fantastic piece, lacks the originality in word choice, structure, and flow.
For example:
This portion of the poem, the beginning, is very emotionally charged and with the imagery that's already being used, has a lot of creative, poetic potential. What we have is more a statement of facts, which is a little bland in the way it's written, not something that would stick with very many readers, even if the content resonated with them. Take what you have here, look at the lines and the word choice you've used, and see if there's ways you can expand on some of it. Twist the words. Paint a picture instead of write a statement.
On the other hand, when we're looking at the lines:
This. I like this segment. There's nothing especially alagorical about it. Nothing too dressed up. It's still minimal. But with the way you worded it, even a phrase as commonly used as "swing that way" packs a clever, witty punch. There's an attitude to it. The poem's personality, which is an extension of your personality, really comes through in it.
I hope that you found this a little helpful!
Keep writing,
eldEr
I loved this poem, it is a loss of love and friendship and it made me cry, great writing and keep adding emotion to your stories, people will read them more and will read more of your work. keep it up and don't stop. I would add more words that rhymed but it is really hard to do. but if you practice you will get better.
I would love to read more of your work and would follow your example of showing heartbreak and loneliness, sometimes the best stories are stories that have happened to you in your life and this appears to be based of your hard times in life.