Broken Girl

Hi there!

Okay so I thought this poem was beautiful, and very moving and for people it can relate to personal experience. You are describing how life feels for a 'broken' and you have achieved that. Suggesting the girl's sadness and misery. The last lines were excellent and at the same time made me very sad because I can visualize the girl and I feel pity towards her.
What I was thinkinh while reading the poem is that with the repetition of broken girl and the style in which this has been written, makes me think of the lyrics of a song rather than a poem and I would really encourage you to fix it a bit in order to make a song, which would indees be beautiful.
Apart from that, it's brilliant!

Hey! My favorite part about this is the ending. It was really dramatic and I felt the emotion that was there. I felt like you didn't keep with the same rhyming scheme. It's kinda of all over the place and it doesn't flow as well as it could. On the 14th line I feel like you just forced a rhyme. The word clammy normally describes the air or like somebody's skin. It's not really a word that you would use for describing someone's emotions. This was a really deep poem and it definitely was beautiful. It described the life of someone who is isn't viewed as "normal". You had more emphasis when saying You couldn't possibly understand. It gave more meaning and it made you look at your life with a more grateful attitude. It made you understand what other people are going through and how you can't judge them because as much as they are weird and perhaps strange they might be going through so much and as someone who was considered this type of person I seriously love this poem and I hope you can write more like it. This was such a beautiful and meaningful poem. Thank you. Keep writing <3

Sarah24

Hi! Thought I'd drop in for a quick review.

This poem is a very, you know, delicate and beautiful one which manages to portray the sadness and depressed state of mind of a young girl without offending anyone or arousing confusion in the mind of the reader. I guess there is a typo in the sixth line, where you wrote "because she's a broken," It should have either been "a broken girl" or just "broken". I did not notice any other grammatical errors. I feel you should have started a new stanza every time you wrote the line "because she's a broken girl" or another line similar in meaning to that. I liked the 22nd line (second from last) very much because it is unique and portrays how sadness and injury can suddenly snatch the life out of us (metaphorically, of course), ending everything. Even though it was a very touching and relevant poem, I personally feel that you should have given a tiny hint to the reader about the cause of the girl's broken heart. Or, was the heartache caused by the collective pain inflicted on her by all her acquaintances? I noticed that you mentioned her miserable condition in school as well as in her house, so I guess the latter is the answer.

Anyways, this poem can be considered flawless and amazing (like I think it actually is) , considering that you are a new member of YWS. You have a lot of creativity and potential. Keep up the good work!

Hey there laurahoeffner,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review

I don't think I've reviewed a piece of yours before, since you're pretty new so welcome to YWS!

Line-by-Line/Nit-Picks

You see her in the halls with her eyes [cast] down,
she never seems happy anymore I would change never to "doesn't"
She never says any words, Since this line isn't the beginning of a new sentence you shouldn't capitalize it.
but her eyes say it all. I would start a new stanza here if I were you.
You wouldn't understand the pain
because she's a broken, She's a broken what? Right now this line feels like an incomplete thought. I'm pretty sure you're trying to express the fact that she's broken and if that's the case, all you have to do is get rid of the 'a'
you two don't play the same game.
She cries in the bathroom stall,
hoping someone will come,
but no one can break down her walls. Start a new stanza. Also, I would add on to this. You say "you two don't play the same game" and then you tell us that she cries in the bathroom, so I think this would be the perfect time to show us how they don't play the same game. Ok, she cries in the bathroom, what is it about the other girl that's different.
Because she's a broken girl
and no one knows. I wouldn't say that no one knows, everything you've described her as being is pretty surface like. I mean, crying, being clammy and what not are all things you can see.
You go home to a loving family
and she goes home clammy. start a new line here.
She knows what's behind closed doors, I would switch the comma to a hyphen if I were you.
the beast that bellows and roars.
She knows how the night will end, You've used the word "knows" now three times. I underlined them for you. Since this is a pretty long piece, it isn't that bad but the part that makes it rather repetitive is that you used them fairly close to one another. If you need all three "knows" then I would recommend spreading them out a little further throughout the poem.
with endless crying and pain. Umm, more like how her night will end. If you say "the night" you're implying that everyone's night will end this way and that we're all just oblivious to this. I would add the word 'her' after 'how'
You couldn't possibly understand,
you don't feel the same pain.
You're nothing like her because
She's... I would leave out the ellipsis, go for the enjambment here, it would really help the piece.
She's a broken girl.

Mind if i drop on for a review? Okay well I personally loved this. It has great meaning and I relate to it all too well. Your wording is amazing and it reminds me of myself. You're pretty repetitive in some parts but its still good
when you say the beast that bellows and roars, it gives the poem a bit of character.
honestly I liked it a lot. It reflects about how she is broke and hurting, it makes since and it is really relatable for the broken ones.
thank you for sharing this with us, it was incredible.