She needs the sound of footsteps
and voices
and laughter
just like she needs to breathe,
because the darkness
will swallow her whole.
She is all alone
but amongst the strangers
she is someone,
a part of something,
even if that isn't who she wants to be:
the girl
sitting on the curb
crying.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
I love the emotions you have playing in this poem. You do them well, but I have to agree that you need more imagery to draw the reader into the poem. Also, I would take out the line "if she is trapped". She already seems like she is trapped, and the last line was a much better ending for the stanza. In the last verse, where you say what she is and you the colon, that was very nice. You use punctuation and line breaks very well in this poem and that last verse especially is very poignant.
i lik this.
its very nice without being too happy - that sounds weird but it makes sense in my head -
you should write more like this
and maybe add some imagery
that would make it even better.
great poem!!
Keep writing!!
Soul_Destroyer
x
Thanks! I'll try to take all of your suggestions and edit it later.
Aw1 This was sweet. You were emotional without really trying to be. My only suggestion? "Juice it up," as i seem to be saying to everyone increasingly often.
Add some imagery! What does she look like? What exactly are her surroundings?
But, overall, nice work.
--Dreamy
Hi! Okay so the poem was about a girl who was "alone" and lost but she needed others around her. and I know that there were short lines, I did that on purpose.
Hey, hey. Nice to meet you. Hope your day is going good, eh?
Well, this is nice. Because this is a short poem, I notice mistakes easier. Some of your lines just didn't seem right to me. Actually, some felt QUITE off to be honest. Also, don't make your lines too short. It's very noticeable at such a short length of poem.
Bye, now.
-Mizz
I agree with ben, but I also think some of your lines were too short, just try to keep the length consistent
Okay. My favourite thing about your poem is the start, it's well structured, has a nice fluency to sollow and I like the choice of words. It's when you get to these lines:
The tone completely changes and its for the worse. This put me off so I think you need to revise what you want your overall effect to be and make sure there's a constant and steady tone, or get better with varying punctuation so you can achieve a good alter in tone.
Don't lose the message though.
I like this:
and I do admit the originality to this poem gives it some real potential, so revise and edit this.
Then get back to me!
Keep writing!
Ben
I like the flow of your feelings and how "she" is used. Explain "will swallow her wholeif she is trapped." Why?