The Truth Within a Lie: Chapter 3

by kymorhens

Published January 24, 2015

12+

In The Truth Within a Lie

Classes come and go faster than normal. I weave through the crowds of students as quickly as I can…as if that would make today go by any faster. Before long, it’s my last class of the week and my favorite, Computer Science, then to go with Abbi get the results. Today is also the day to turn in our computer terminology webpage. I’m not worried. Unlike the rest of the day, time begins to slow in this class. 

Students are called alphabetically to discuss the project with the teacher and with a last name like Weaver, you always end up last. Abbi’s situation is the opposite, with her last name being Clements, so she is always one of the first students called. When she returns from the meeting with the teacher, she gives me a thumbs-up. She must have done the assignment late last night…and still did well enough. I play around with web design features with the Holo screen on my desk until Mrs. Bowen calls me. Walking as quickly as I can, I walk to the back of the room and open the door of her office, wasting no time finding the file on my tablet and flicking the project into the homework folder. She pulls up the results so that they appear on the holograph screen behind her desk. A minute or two goes by as she clicks though the portfolio and I begin nervously rubbing my hands along my pant legs. 

She finally reaches the end and speaks, “Congrats, Emma, on another 100 percent.” 

She closes out the file and flicks it back to my tablet. “Thank you, Mrs. Bowen,” I say, ready to leave. 

“I have one more thing to talk to you about.” My hand lets go of the door handle and I sit cautiously on the edge of my seat. 

“Yes, Mrs. Bowen?” Her brow furrows as she fumbles for words. 

“Mrs. Weaver…” she begins slowly, “I can’t help but notice you took the MTA’s again yesterday.” My heart starts beating faster as she continues. “This is your second time taking it, correct?” 

My voice strains to work, “Yes, ma’am.” 

“How do you think you did?” Her eyes glance down to her tablet and I sneak a glance at the holograph screen. It’s off. 

“Definitely better than my first try,” I say trying to sound sure of what I say. What if I failed miserably? Why else would she be telling me this? 

“I just think that it is wise to lay out other options for you. Not everyone’s destiny is to be in the military.” 

“But,” I begin defensively before I get cut off. 

“Look at your talents! You are top of your class in mathematics and computer science. Your talents…would be better spent focusing on those skills.” I look at her quizzically as she reaches into a folder, a folder with my name on it, and hands me a packet of papers. As I flip through, she explains to me that it is an application to CMP-SKY Labs, the same place my parents were employed, and how I am guaranteed a spot on their junior labs team. All that I can think is, why are you telling me this? But I don’t let her see that. The only way I can figure out why she’s doing this is by agreeing. 

“Don’t you see, Emma? This is where you fit into the picture, not as a soldier,” she says with a grin as I seemingly agree with the ultimatum she has given me. 

“I’ll go there after school. It sounds perfect for me.” “It’s where you belong,” she says, nodding in agreement. Since I’m last alphabetically, my project was the last to grade, so once we finish discussing the application, I follow Mrs. Bowen out of the office. I sit down at my desk as she reads out our next assignment. I can’t help but stare at the clock, waiting for the buzzer to indicate that this nightmare is finished. As soon as it rings, I sprint out of the building to the bus stop. I hop aboard and get out at the MTA stadium.

The receptionist eyes me warily as I run up to the front desk, out of breath and heart beating insanely. 

“I need the assessment scores for Weaver, Emma. I took the test yesterday, but I want to know if my results are here early.” She nods, finally realizing why I’m so anxious, and begins searching for my results on her computer. 

“Weaver? Is that it?” she says, looking back sweetly. I nod back excitedly. I hear her tap my name on the screen and watch as her face changes to disappointment. 

“I’m sorry, dear,” she begins, reaching across the desk to pat my shoulder, “The scores are negative.” My eyes lower to the ground for a split second before I remember to thank her for helping me. 

“No problem, dear. Just study hard and make the last retest count.” I smile politely and then walk at a much slower pace than I did when I entered the room.

I stare at the bus stop map trying to decide where to go or what to do. Going home now means facing Aunt Lillian and Uncle Tim. And going there also means facing Abbi, which is even worse because I promised to wait for her to get my results. Whoops. As I look back to the map, SKY-Labs complex grabs my attention. I unzip my bag and pull out the crumpled application from Mrs. Bowen. What if I went to get that “junior labs” internship? Tim and Lillian wouldn’t have to be ashamed of me. They would be proud that I’m following my parent’s footsteps. Finally, I see where I fit into the picture.

It only takes me five minutes to cross the city by bus to the address on the form, the CMP-SKY offices, where I can be interviewed. When I get off the bus, I cannot believe my eyes. The lobby stretches up three floors with escalators on both sides of the room. The front of the entrances is made of glass, so I can see people on all three levels moving incessantly. The lobby’s desk is a huge circle of teal glass and stainless steel with many receptionists behind it. I walk over to the desk with my paperwork gripped tightly as I take in the new sights. Finding someone who isn’t already helping someone, I wait. 

“How may I help you?” she says without looking up from the screen of her computer. 

“Yes. I would like to speak to…,” I pause as I look at the papers, “Mr. Emmitt?” 

She clicks a few buttons on her computer, scans the hall pass, and hands it to me. “Third floor, second hallway, and fifth door,” she says robotically, still not looking at me. 

“Thanks,” I say as sarcastically polite as I can. The steady stream of people moving to the escalators pushes me along with them. The escalators are crammed tight with people, but as we get to the 3rd floor, the people begin getting off at their designated floors. The second hallway of the third floor is eerily quiet, compared to the rest of the building. The hallway is very long with at least 20 rooms and I’m thankful I only have to count to five to get there. 

The door, which is cracked open about an inch, so I can hear two male voices having a discussion inside. I hear only mumbling. Gathering my courage, I begin pushing the door open. Apparently, the men don’t see or hear me as the door swings open and I step past the threshold. Mr. Emmit, the man sitting behind the desk, is a portly man with a smaller, gentler voice. The man he is speaking to is an average-looking offical, but his voice is much sharper and clearer, as if he has the authority. 

“Mr. Emmitt?” I say cautiously. 

Mr. Emmitt blinks and turns to face me, “And who are you, young lady?” 

As I speak, the other man also turns to look at me. “I’m Emma, sir. I’m here for an interview?” I turn back to the other man, whose eyes are wide with shock. He stands up with a start, bumping the desk with his hip. He strides across the room quickly and reaches to shake my hand. 

“Sorry. I was so busy speaking to Mr. Clayborne that I forgot to check my appointments,” Mr. Emmitt says, walking over to shake my hand as well. 

“It’s fine. I just got here,” I say reassuringly, first shaking Mr. Clayborne’s hand, then Mr. Emmitt’s. Although the shock in his eyes lessens, he still looks at me incredulously, like he can’t quite believe I’m here. 

“What did you say your name was?” Mr. Clayborne asks politely as he gathers his papers. 

I am ready to answer, but Mr. Emmitt speaks first. “This is Emma Weaver, the brightest in her class at the local secondary school. Mrs. Bowen told me you were coming,” he says with pride, as if he has made me who I am. 

“Ah,” says Mr. Clayborne, his look of shock fading as we speak, “I didn’t realize I was in the presence of a celebrity.” 

I blush, even though the way he says it doesn’t feel like a compliment. He gathers the last of his papers and heads to the door. 

“Nice meeting you, Ms. Weaver. See you tomorrow, Trent?” 

Mr. Emmitt, sorting through the piles of papers surrounding his desk, says, “Oh, yes! Tomorrow? Let me write that down…"

Then he ducks under the desk in search of something to write on. I turned back to Mr. Clayborne, but the door was already closing quietly behind him.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Anyone who reads this: if you could focus your reviews on dialogue and descriptions, that would be very helpful. I know that it's what I struggle with most, so any advice would be helpful. 

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
DrFeelGood
Review
DrFeelGood wrote a review Review · Jan 25, 2015

Hi there Kymorhens, DrFeelGood here to review your work.

Alright, so I read all the three chapters and I am gonna review two of them. I am actually starting with the third one first. This review is more focussed on characterization and descriptions. Even on dialogues as you mentioned that in the side-note.

I am going to start with the cliched "Telling not showing nitpick." Writing a story in present tense is not a joke. You're doing it quite good so far. But then there are several occasions where I feel, editing is not up the mark and either it is more of an info-bump or plain 'telling.'

I'll highlight some sentences which need your attention. They have to be edited out or written in a more sharp way.

Today is also the day to turn in our computer terminology webpage.

This is right at the beginning of your chapter, so you really need to take care by not telling us straightaway.

I begin nervously rubbing my hands along my pant legs.


That didn't work out for me. That description is rather tacky especially in a teen fiction novel and we have seen this many times.

“Definitely better than my first try,” I say trying to sound sure of what I say


Here you actually had a potential to show us your reaction unlike the first one where the telling was somewhat essential. Try to give us actions of your characters. "Definitely better than my first try," I utter cautiously. By doing this you actually avoid telling how exactly you're feeling. The exactness in some of your sentences is actually harming the innocence needed in teen fiction.

“Thanks,” I say as sarcastically polite as I can.


It's actually hard to imagine how she is sarcastic yet polite. "Thanks genius." is my standard line to indicate sarcasm. But I don't know how that can be polite. I didn't really understand this line


I will talk about characterization in my second review. I actually found this chapter a bit weak compared to your second one. Over all the story is still engaging but you need to work on editing. Second review coming soon.

Thanks for the review.

User avatar
Apricity
Review
Apricity wrote a review Review · Jan 25, 2015

Hello Ky! It's me, and I'm all up to date!

You've asked for tips on your dialogue and description, though personally I think your dialogue isn't all that bad. It's realistic but yes, it can be improved. I've found an articlewhich enlist tips on writing better dialogue and also an here telling you what not to do. However, you description does need work and this article here tells you several important aspects to writing powerful and effective description. Please take a look at all three articles, now that's out of the way, let's get on with the rest of this review.

Looking at first two paragraphs again, you have a tendency to start it off with mundane things such as going to classes. I would actually jump straight to the chase, because as readers we're here to read something interesting. We don't need to every single detail about her life, if it's something that doesn't affect the plot. Get rid of it. It's redundant.

That was an ultimatum? I think that word is exaggerating the situation slightly, it's not you have to work there or else something terrible will happen. There is nothing in Mrs. Bowen's action that suggests she just delivered an ultimatum. So I'd think about how you go about using that.

“I’ll go there after school. It sounds perfect for me.”


New paragraph, because this is Emma's line.

“It’s where you belong,” she says, nodding in agreement. Since I’m last alphabetically, my project was the last to grade, so once we finish discussing the application, I follow Mrs. Bowen out of the office.


That was a very long and somewhat redundant sentence, notice the parts I highlighted. We don't need that, you've already mentioned that information earlier on in the chapter.And we also know that they've finished discussing, sentences like this will make your paragraphs long and dreary. Be precise and selective with what you put in.

“No problem, dear. Just study hard and make the last retest count.” I smile politely and then walk at a much slower pace than I did when I entered the room.


Sooo, Emma's reaction strikes me as a bit too calm. She just got rejected, twice! And she worked hard, and all she did was smile politely at her? Shouldn't she be feeling upset, disappointed? If I were her, I'd be on the verge of tears and she's been waiting so anxiously for the results to come out. And she's just going to give up that easily? Well, I must admit, I'm rather disappointed. I thought she would preserve despite this failure, she seemed like that type of girl.

It only takes me five minutes to cross the city by bus to the address on the form, the CMP-SKY offices, where I can be interviewed


Too many commas and too clunky. I would get rid of the address part and simply skip to the CMP-SKY offices.

The front of the entrances is made of glass, so I can see people on all three levels moving incessantly. The lobby’s desk is a huge circle of teal glass and stainless steel with many receptionists behind it.


This description can be expanded upon, the descriptions here are far too common to really make an impact on the readers. Refer to the earlier article I mentioned, appeal to the five senses, use powerful nouns and adjectives if you can. Metaphors are also a great way to do this.
A picture is worth a thousand words, and a metaphors is worth a thousand picture.


The door, which is cracked open about an inch, so I can hear two male voices having a discussion inside.


I'm not great with grammar myself, but that sentence had way too many commas in there. Nix the first one. Period after the second comma. Nix the 'so', simply start with 'I' or even better snippets of the conversation if it's relevant. Also, I'd think that Emma would knock first before coming in. Common courtesy before entering someone else's room.

Mr. Emmitt blinks and turns to face me, “And who are you, young lady?”


I would add some tagging onto that sentence to convey Mr.Emmitt's tone in regards to Emma's entrance.

That brings me to the end of this review, this idea is starting to flesh out a bit more but as I've mentioned try and work a bit more of description and character development. If you have any questions, please let me know.

-Flite

User avatar
Lycando
Review
Lycando wrote a review Review · Jan 25, 2015

Hey there, Lycando here to review!

Right, I'll start on the nitpicks first!

Unlike the rest of the day, time begins to slow in this class.


I wouldn't use begin here but probably 'time seems'.

and with a last name like Weaver, you always end up last.


I don't think you should be using 'you' here, as it seems like you're talking to the reader. If you're referring to yourself, a simple I would do.

Walking as quickly as I can, I walk to the back of the room and open the door of her office


You don't have repeat the 'walk' here. Just simply say: As quickly as I can, I walk to the back of the room...

“But,” I begin defensively before I get cut off.


If you want to show that Emma being cut off, you could use an ellipsis ... instead. Also, if she's being cut off, you don't necessarily have to tell the reader that beforehand.

“I’ll go there after school. It sounds perfect for me.” “It’s where you belong,” she says


Split the two different dialogues up! It helps to give the reader clarity and shows who's line belongs to who.

Finding someone who isn’t already helping someone, I wait.


The repetition of someone here kind of threw me off. You could rephrase it to be: I try to find someone who isn't already busy attending to others

The door, which is cracked open about an inch, so I can hear two male voices having a discussion inside.


The sentence structure here feels very weird. Rephrase it to be something like this: The door is cracked open about an inch, allowing me to hear two male voices having a discussion inside

he says with pride, as if he has made me who I am.


Tenses! [b]he says with pride, as if he had made me who I am[b/]


Alright, overall the story was pretty interesting, although I can't really tell what sort of person Emma is yet. She seems to be very smart, but how about her personality? Is she shy or does she like to be adventurous? I also felt that you should have included some dialogue between Abbi and Emma, just to show how their friendship is like.

However you've already established a certain conflict here, which is her decision to join this company even though she really wants to be in the military. You could work from this aspect to create both an inner and outer conflict for Emma.

That's about it from me, hope my review helped! :)

Thanks for your review! I really enjoyed how you focused on sentence struture. That helps me a lot. Thanks again.



Deadlines just aren't real to me until I'm staring one in the face.
— Rick Riordan, The Lightning Thief