Published September 24, 2005
The rain is coming down so hard,
Pouring through my heart,
Trying to fill the holes,
That were left behind.
The rain pours through it,
Harder each time,
Runs right through the holes,
that may never be fixed.
With each drop,
The holes expand,
Puts me down,
More and more.
Now I'm in a physc ward,
For the depression you caused,
And the rain that came,
From my eyes of fear and sadness.
The rain won't stop,
Nothing will,
The holes get bigger and bigger,
With every drop of fear.
The rain disingrated my heart,
There is nothing left,
All except the holes,
Of which can never be fixed!
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i like the the first part of it alot; its simple and innocent but really powerful at the same time. when you get to the part about the phsycward, it doesnt flow as well and it doesnt make quite as much sense to me. sorry im not very specific, and i dont mean to be harsh. jennafina, your not alone in being not good at critiquing.
This poem did not have anything artistic to it. It was more or an emotional rant than anything, and by the time I got down to the part about the ward, I was rolling my eyes. It doesn't convey anything. It's more about your life and gives the reader no enjoyment at all. Only boredom. And, at the very end, when you said "Of which can never be fixed!" - I suggest you just take off that exclamation point. It serves no point at all and weakens even more the very weak ending that you tacked on to this poem.
I like the sound of this poem. The pace is good too, and I love all the images. One thing.
Now I'm in a physc ward,
For the depression you caused.
The first line doenn't flow at all. Perhaps it could be replaced? I can't think of anything better, but it still doesn't sound right. :p
Sorry if I sound mean. Im not very good at critiquing..
The rain is coming down so hard,
Pouring through my heart,
Trying to fill the holes,
That were left behind.
The rain pours through it,
Harder each time,
Runs right through the holes,
that may never be fixed.
This confuses me a bit. It seems a bit redundant to me. Liekt eh information was recycled, worded differently, and then put down. example: "Pouring through my heart..." and "The rain pours through it..."
Now I'm in a physc ward,
For the depression you caused,
And the rain that came,
From my eyes of fear and sadness.
Psych is misspelled.
The rain won't stop,
Nothing will,
The holes get bigger and bigger,
With every drop of fear.
This stanza was really powerful and well-written.
The rain disingrated my heart,
There is nothing left,
All except the holes,
Of which can never be fixed!
Disintegrated is missepelled. I recommend chaning the exclamation point to a period. The exclamation point, to me, doesn't really fit in with the sadness of the poem.