Young Writers Society

I can relate with this feeling, as it is pure and true. But this can be expressed better and with less "baby"-ness. At least come up with something more interesting for him to say...although I know they probably don't have the most extensive vocabulary, nobody ever said this had to be true to life...

Generally, I think the idea is to be yourself, not necessarily different. Then again, we're all different. However, for the most part, this could be much better. Try to be a little more creative with your use of language. Really tap into the emotions and don't just use the obvious imagines such as tears and bruises. Also, eliminating the dialogue would do a great deal of good.

I am perpetually irritated by this kind of work, if only because it is so often done. Personal preference, no offense intended.

I agree with The Black Rose, you can do much better. Perhaps try re-writing this in the third person, or maybe without the dialogue, or without the cliche suicide imagry. Find a synonym for 'tears' and for 'scars', change it up. Experiment styalisticly, by eliminating capitals or punctuation or the word 'the'. However the mood strikes you. Above all, strive beyond the sort of trite work that teenagers ar famous for. The idea is to be different, right? So be different.

This didn't really flow and had no real rhythm. I liked the content and this part;

Tears stream down my face,
I scream "It's too late,
You've caught me at my worst,
And I'm gone tonight"

This is pretty damn scary. It would have had a better effect without all the rhyming. The word Baby annoys me... I like the entire plotline but not the words... and the flow was jagged and your stanzas... bleauch.

I know you can do better than this.
(It isn't by chance real is it? Doesn't seem real... thank Ham God)