With the scars on my arms,
And the tears running down my cheeks,
You think you would know what was wrong,
What I was secretly hiding.
You ask me "What's wrong?"
I reply "Nothing, I'm fine"
But truely I'm a mess,
From the secret lying.
I come to school the next day,
With bruises on my body,
"Baby, What's wrong?"
Still I reply "Nothing".
I'm forcing a smile,
I'm hiding back tears,
But you don't notice,
Maybe you don't really love me.
I'm walking home from school,
My phone rings, it's you,
I answer it with a simple "hello",
You reply "Listen to me".
"I know you are hiding things,
Testing to see if I care,
Baby, I love you enough,
To know you are lying".
Tears stream down my face,
I scream "It's too late,
You've caught me at my worst,
And I'm gone tonight"
I hang up the phone quickly,
Run home with frustration,
You meet me there,
And wrap me in your arms.
"Don't do it baby! I love you",
I slowly drop to my knees,
I look in your eyes and say,
"Why me, why this, why now?"
You are morbidly confused,
But you don't let go,
I cry in your arms,
And say "Don't let me go."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I can relate with this feeling, as it is pure and true. But this can be expressed better and with less "baby"-ness. At least come up with something more interesting for him to say...although I know they probably don't have the most extensive vocabulary, nobody ever said this had to be true to life...
Generally, I think the idea is to be yourself, not necessarily different. Then again, we're all different. However, for the most part, this could be much better. Try to be a little more creative with your use of language. Really tap into the emotions and don't just use the obvious imagines such as tears and bruises. Also, eliminating the dialogue would do a great deal of good.
I am perpetually irritated by this kind of work, if only because it is so often done. Personal preference, no offense intended.
I agree with The Black Rose, you can do much better. Perhaps try re-writing this in the third person, or maybe without the dialogue, or without the cliche suicide imagry. Find a synonym for 'tears' and for 'scars', change it up. Experiment styalisticly, by eliminating capitals or punctuation or the word 'the'. However the mood strikes you. Above all, strive beyond the sort of trite work that teenagers ar famous for. The idea is to be different, right? So be different.
This didn't really flow and had no real rhythm. I liked the content and this part;
I thought this add a real dramatic effect to the rest of the poem.
Just adjust the flow and maybe some stronger imagery, and then it'll make a good difference to this piece.
This is pretty damn scary. It would have had a better effect without all the rhyming. The word Baby annoys me... I like the entire plotline but not the words... and the flow was jagged and your stanzas... bleauch.
I know you can do better than this.
(It isn't by chance real is it? Doesn't seem real... thank Ham God)