Published October 8, 2005
You say your sorry,
as you look in my eyes,
The marks on your wrist,
Bleed as you cry.
You fall to the ground,
as you sit on your knees,
You promised me you wouldn't,
But your pain won't cease.
Blood drips on your lap,
As the tears roll down your face,
You tell me you want out,
From this lonely cold place.
I turn around to go,
You tell me you need me,
My eyes are full of tears,
You scream "PLEASE SAVE ME!"
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,586 Literary Works • 673,540 Reviews
The rhythm and rhyme didn't annoy me - they actually added to the feeling of the poem. I believe you are improving, but I think that you should start to use more in poetry...less of the literal, that is, and more into something..deeper? Not that this isn't deep, but I feel that this poem is merely scraping the surface of a very deep subject.
Sort of odd rhyming me with me though.... fix it up a bit, but otherwise it's ok.
I like it. It was nice and simple and got out what it needed to say.
its a good attempt and was a plain nice read, that i liked. so keep writing!
cheers,
torsa
As usual, here comes the critic. I agree with Bobo. It's definitly amateur work.
If you are going to make it capitals at the beginning, following through. Make the a in as an A. Your should be you're in the first line. I think that scars would be a more effective word. I would get rid of that first comma and change in to into. Then end the sentence. Again, after wrist, the comma isn't really necessary. The stanza was a bit cliche.
You say you're sorry
As you look into my eyes.
The scars on your wrist
Bleed as you cry.
Get rid of your first comma, change the second line to "and you sit on your knees." Add the word had in the third line. Change won't to will not.
You fall the the ground
And you sit on your knees.
You had promised me you wouldn't,
But your pain will not cease.
Cliche, but whatever. Change the second line to "tears rolling down your face," Get rid of the comma on the third line. And change from to of.
Blood drips on your lap,
Tears rolling down your face,
You tell me you want out
Of this lonely cold place.
Change the first line to as I turn... Change the comma in the second line to a period. No comma after tears. Add the word as at the beginning of the last line. Add a comma after scream and then get those words out of caps. I know you want to make a point, but the excalamation (sp?) point is enough.
As I turn around to go,
You tell me you need me.
My eyes are full of tears
As you scream, "Please save me!"
I know, you probably hate my critiques. That doesn't change the fact that they can help. These are either grammatical errors or my own personal word choice prefereance, so good luck. Try to go away from the ordinary next time, okay?
yeah I'm not all that good of a poet to many of the people on here...but I try
Ok. Well, its pretty good. Feels amateurish to me, but I'm not a big fan of poetry...
That's what it is..she is saying you promised me you wouldn't but he does anyways..and hes hurt because he did it..and she turns away to leave and then he asks for her help
I don't quite understand it. Some guy is cutting and needs the other person's help, but I don't really understand the rest of it.
What do you mean right?
Right...
Aww thanks...it was a quick write and it was something totally different then what I write
I like this. A refreshing change of perspective.