Published July 4, 2005
How can you hurt so badly,
Yet no one knows how bad,
You let it build inside you,
until you erupt, and can't take it,
You put the gun to your head,
Thinking things will get better,
Because your not around,
To feel the Hate and the hurt.
Then the next thing you know,
Your putting the gun away,
Because you want another chance,
But then the hurt build and sticks together again,
And you reload,
But you don't do it,
You feel better,
You've taken it out on others,
You've killed one,
And put others in the hospital.
You feel bad because of it,
Yet good because you don't have the straining inside you.
Things are fine for a while,
Until the hurt builds again,
You kill two more,
and feel fine by this.
The next week you kill your best friend,
All because you got mad at him,
You feel amused by this, Thinking it is some kind of video game,
Then you think it is wrong,
You pull out the gun,
Reload,
And make sure it works,
You go into the next room ,
Where your family is.
You look at them,
say "I love you all",
You put the gun to your head,
Your hear the high pitched screams and crys,
But think nothing of it,
Pull the trigger,
And never said ,"Good-Bye".
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Kait
I know this isn't something you have seen me write before..and trust me it was hard..but I thought I would give it a try.
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Canary word: Present
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For one thing, your username is a big flashback to what 2005 was and I'm not sure what way I should be taking it. The author's note at the bottom is a bit weird when combined with the poem, and so I guess reviews are depending on the reader having read other parts of your poetry. You might have been thinking that this was some deep emotion or overly dramatic. I'm not getting that vibe but whatever.
The big problem here is with the silent conversation between the speaker and "you", where "you" could be a lot of people. Part of me is thinking that it might actually be in reference to the speaker, kind of talking to/trying to punish themselves for their actions. That would depend on you knowing how to separate the speaker from your own voice, which I personally do not think is taking place in this poem. It just doesn't sound mature enough for that.
Now I'm just dealing with the "you" being the person who hurt the speaker, but since there's no clear separation of speaker vs writer, I'm not sure how far to delve into the emotional aspect. There's this big combination of blaming for harm, and wanting the audience to demonize the "you" persona. But then we also come back to the method of trying to gain sympathy for the "you" persona, just painted as a villain. So there really needs to be a specific emotion within this poem, or more just keep it to one feeling about the persona.
- Do you want the audience to like them? Or do you want the audience to hate them?
That's the question you need to narrow it down, even though it might sound a little generic, it's what you need.
Here's a few technical things before I move into talking about specific content lines that stuck out and/or bothered me.
I'm mainly put off by having the caps on every line, even though this is a case where I see some reason to have some caps. I am never ever a fan of caps on every line, unless you're sticking to a very specific style, structure and/or mimic. this just looks very obnoxious and clunky. The whole poem looks and feels that way but it's not that hard to change the cosmetic things that will make it easier to break down the rest of the issues.
So in the more specific content, there's the overall issue of this person probably being a murderer. I'm back to wondering about who "you" is because then that turns around the entire situation involved in all of the imagery. It's either a literal killer or it's a figurative destruction about a family. I'm leaning towards it being more figurative because i think if it was about a specific shooter, there would have been an actual name drop.
I'm not impressed by this poem because it just feels cheap to me. There might have been a bit of effort into it but when the specific imagery points are swept aside, it just leaves the taste of bad romance. Or another bad romance. But it doesn't feel like the speaker is punishing the other person for their actions, which are being described as quite bad.
I just. I don't know what to think.
Hmm.....
Then the next thing you know,
Your putting the gun away,
Because you want another chance,
But then the hurt build and sticks together again,
And you reload,
But you don't do it,
You feel better,
You've taken it out on others,
You've killed one,
And put others in the hospital.
You feel bad because of it,
Yet good because you don't have the straining inside you.
KILL HIM OR DONT' KILL HIM I mean they said that they killed, why would they think they have another chance, deserve one, or like.... need one? make up their mind...
Things are fine for a while,
Until the hurt builds again,
You kill two more,
and feel fine by this.
This person needs serious medical attention... I mean killing makes him feel good and bad but he wants to do it to feel better but he wants to die because he feels bad about it? So confusing.
I didn't really enjoy this... it ad a good plot (sort of ) but this character was totally... emotional and didn't know what they wanted in life ( i assumed it was a He...) and it was... just... long... Nice try, better than my first try on poems like this... and i'm still not good at it...