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16+ Language

My Old Self

by kurmuvi


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

‘Never have I felt so low, hearing those few words pouring out of her mouth.

“Why are you still here? don’t you know that nobody likes you?”

It hit me like a semi going 80 mph down a highway. Feeling my heart beat out of my chest, my stomach dropping to the floor. Maybe your emotional pain can be so strong that it influences physical pain. And her words stung me, still. After years of going through her torture, you’d think I’d be numb. But I’m not, I’m weak, walls crumbled down from the destruction of her attack leaving me with no protection.Vulnerable. She uses that as her advantage. She takes her anger out on me, and I never really knew why she hated me so much. I have no type of relationship with her. I barely talked to her, if ever. But she hated every cell of my body. It’s like I’m some kind of disease, and she’s the white blood cell, fighting me. killing me. She feeds off of my weakness.

She always told me that i was never good enough for anyone, that I was useless. She told me that everything I have ever done wrong was my fault. Somewhere deep, deep down inside me I knew everything she was saying was complete crap, but I couldn’t dig that far down.

And in hope that I would feel better, I’d brush those rude comments off my shoulders.

“you are worthless. You don’t matter”

eventually I started to believe them, and soon enough I became them, the worthless person that I was labeled by…’

“Jessica?.. Jessica! are you okay? you’ve been face down in that journal since last monday.”

That was my friend, Makayla. I haven’t talked to her that much the past week because I’ve secluded myself, not answering texts or phone calls. I haven’t really talked to anyone besides her these past few weeks. Now, I’m barely talking to her. I haven’t even talked to my own parents. i stayed in my room writing these fictional stories unless I was called down for dinner. I haven’t been in the mood for company.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just working on an English paper that’s due next period,” I lied.

“Okay, but if you ever need anything you can come to me. you’ve been quiet the last couple weeks.”

“Will do.” I put on fake smile.

She bought it, surprisingly. She knows me like the back of her damn hand so I figured she wouldn’t believe me. I’m glad she did, though, I didn’t feel like talking about my problems. Maybe that is the problem, holding in all your thoughts and feelings like I do can swallow you alive.

I was once told, maybe it was in English class?

“The people who need someone seems like they will barely be cured. We measure the disturbed in terms that are less than spectacular. We have to believe we can change the tide of a person’s structure, and we are capable of counteracting. It seems futile that we can offer an antidote with the promise of greener pastures ahead, So we give them what they want-a little relief-a little isolation”. But who’s giving us what we want? nobody.

My life is like a play, You’re acting all the time, Playing a character that you can never begin to understand because she’s nothing like you. She’s happy, hopeful. She’s well put together, and has a lot going for her. But me on the other hand, not so much. The only time I feel like my old self is when I’m writing these “fictional” stories about people who have it worse than me. Depression is my bully. 


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9 Reviews

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Mon Oct 19, 2015 4:03 am
mkphoenix wrote a review...



Hello!

First thing:

"It hit me like a semi going 80 mph down a highway."

Make sure to spell out miles per hour instead of mph.

"I’m weak, walls crumbled down from the destruction of her attack leaving me with no protection.Vulnerable."

I'm sure this is just unnoticed, but make sure there's a space like: protection. Vulnerable.

"killing me."
"eventually I started to believe them..."

There's a couple of these in there, just make sure to capitalize at the beginning of sentences and I's.

Overall, I really like the idea. It's incredibly relatable, so I enjoyed reading this a lot.

Awesome Job,
MK




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Fri Oct 16, 2015 3:30 pm
deleted21 wrote a review...



Hello there,

Welcome to our amazing site and hopefully you'll have great time here! :)

I think, I'll drop a review for you though I stink at reviewing and even more at reviewing stories so sorry in advance, okay? >_<

Well then! I agree your story is interesting and uh.. I think it's little cliche too but that shouldn't be a problem! You can always make awesome and brilliant stuff out of old or general or popular or known (whatever you prefer) ideas.

Now, it's a story about Jessica I see. And, a mysterious person who's always criticising her and making her feel worthless, right? So, there's one thing and one thing only that is bugging me, why haven't you disclosed the identity of that person and what's her relation with Jessica of which she's probably not aware of..? I mean, it seems like, that person is related to her and she's got some bitter experiences with Jessica or her family? Well, how can I know? :3

That's just my question and if you give me an answer, I should be really glad!

Overall, nice story. Keep it up.

~Nire




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Fri Oct 16, 2015 2:55 pm
ChocolateCello wrote a review...



ChocolateCello here!

This was a very interesting piece. You did a wonderful job conveying the emotion.

Okay, you have a lot of very minor error but if this is for a class like you said then it's important to fix them.

‘Never have I felt so low,

You don't need an apostrophe before 'Never'.

“Why are you still here? don’t you know that nobody likes you?”

'Don't' should be capitalized, it's the start of a sentence.

It hit me like a semi going 80 mph down a highway.

Not an error- just a suggestion. Take out 'down a highway' It puts too much into the simile, distracting the reader.

Maybe your emotional pain can be so strong that it influences physical pain.

You only mention 'Me' and 'Her' throughout the story but here you say 'Your'. If you're saying that her emotions are causing you pain (Which is what I got from it) Then simple change the 'your' to 'her'.

But I’m not, I’m weak, walls crumbled down from the destruction of her attack leaving me with no protection.Vulnerable.

Okay, one of two things should be done here. Either make 'but I'm not' it's own sentence or make 'But I'm not, I'm weak' it's own sentence. Also, put a space between 'protection.' and 'Vulnerable'.

I barely talked to her, if ever. But she hated every cell of my body.

'Barely' would do better as 'rarely'. Additionally, 'but she hated...' should be part of the original sentence. Just change the period to a comma.

It’s like I’m some kind of disease,

Again- not an error, a suggestion. The speaker is really is a 'feel-bad' place. (Can't think of the word, sorry) I feel like more detail on the word 'disease' would be nice. 'Sickening disease' 'Unwanted disease' 'Horrible disease'. Yes, this is all assumed about diseases, but say it.

saying was complete crap

I would suggest saying 'complete lie', it sounds better.

She always told me that i was never good enough

(Jumping back a few lines) Capitalize that 'I'.

i stayed in my room writing these fictional stories unless I was called down for dinner.

Capitalize the 'I'.

Jessica?.. Jessica! are you okay? you’ve been face down in that journal since last monday.

A few things here. I would suggest 'Jessica, are you okay?' to replace the front part of this. It sounds a lot better and is more of a natural way of speaking. You need to capitalize 'You've' and 'Monday' too.

“you are worthless. You don’t matter”

eventually I started to believe them, and soon enough I became them, the worthless person that I was labeled by…’

(Sorry, I was going in order, now I'm jumping)
The first 'you' should be capitalized and you need a period after 'matter'. You say 'them' referring to the comments but I think 'her' would work better, referring to the speaker of the comments. 'Eventually' should be capitalized/ If you follow my suggest on 'her' then you need to change 'them' to 'the insults' or 'the words'. Finally, not sure what the whole '...'" thing is, it should just be a period.

I was once told, maybe it was in English class?

“The people who need someone seems like they will barely be cured. We measure the disturbed in terms that are less than spectacular. We have to believe we can change the tide of a person’s structure, and we are capable of counteracting. It seems futile that we can offer an antidote with the promise of greener pastures ahead, So we give them what they want-a little relief-a little isolation”. But who’s giving us what we want? nobody.

The last part of the first sentence isn't needed. Say 'I was once told," then start with the quote. Capitalize 'Nobody' too.

My life is like a play, You’re acting all the time, Playing a character that you can never begin to understand because she’s nothing like you.

You're should be 'I'm'. Don't capitalize 'playing'.

these “fictional” stories

A little confused on the quotation marks. Are these stories not fictional or- Whatever, I'm clearly missing something.

Depression is my bully.

You could end stronger. 'Depression is my bully and I'm starting to break'. I don't know, bead example, but make it more... May I say 'dramatic'?

This was a really good story. Keep writing!

-ChocolateCello





The adjective should reinvent the noun.
— Leslie Norris