War in the Eye of the Storm

Hi ktarantino! Roxy here!
This is a really powerful poem that is beautifully written!
I love the comparison on the "summer calm" and the, the "battle cry" of the thunder, such powerful and vivid images!
"Thunder boomed like a battle cry,
while lightning struck missiles to earth.
Rain flooded hot tar streets lifting oil and grease
to stain sidewalks where children play."
These are my favorite lines of the piece! I love the descriptions and the fact that you can really see the images that you create!
I think that the comparison you make at the end is very well done! While the storm that you describe above is what we fear and what is horrific to us, we still inflict and are unsympathrtic when this happens to other animals!


I think that this piece is just fantastic!
Brillaint piece so keep it up!!

I really really like the message in this poem. I haven't seen any other piece of writing on this site with the same theme and for that I will congratulate you. Yay for originality!
I realise that other comments have mentioned that it might need a bit more power or doesn't have a very strong voice, but for me personally I think it's very clear and awakening.
But the clarity of the message didn't take away from the wonder that makes up a good poem. Only few people can do this well so good job!
One thing I did think might possibly need improving are these lines:

"Power lines have fallen,
Backed up sewage systems,
Flood damage to houses…"

Now I might be talking rubbish, but I feel like these lines could use a little more poeticness (that's not even a word lol). Maybe add some more descriptive words? For example, instead of "Power lines have fallen," try something like "Wires of electricity have collapsed like dominoes," I don't know, just a suggestion.

Anyway, I love this poem very much and hope you keep up the amazing writing!

If you have any questions or if you want help with anything here. Please ask around. You probably can manage on your own so you might not need to. Anyway I'll have you on my friend list just incise. I hope enjoy you time on Young Writers Society.com!

For a person who started yesterday, you really have writing skills. You have got to have been writing before this because this is to good to be written by a brand new writer. You words blen and flucshuate together which is perfect. I agree with anybody who says this is a perfect realistic Poem. P,ease continue!

Hi there, ktarantino! Welcome to YWS! It's nice to have you!

Note: I'm on mobile, so there may be a few typos in this review. I'll blame autocorrect.

First, I like your imagery, and I think that this type of imagery is indeed suited to an environmental poem such as this one.
That being said, there's still room for improvement.

In poetry, less is more. So be careful when you are full of emotion and you're writing because when people are filled with emotion, they have a tendency to ramble a bit. I noticed this when you got into the "assess the damage" part. You start listing things that, while true, become boring to read very quickly. If you want to keep that part in, I suggest finding a metaphor for all of the manmade things and the people themselves. Right now, despite all the imagery, it's a rather blunt, straightforward poem. Try cutting down your words, using more metaphors and similes, or both.

The end seemed rather anticlimactic. I understand that your poor was that we don't care about nature enough. But if we stopped to worry about every bird nest that crashed to the ground, where would we be? Constant funerals? The symbol you chose to represent all of nature is too small and inconsequential. What about talking about 1) something beautiful and fleeting 2) something that neglect will cause to worsen and cause consequences to mankind. Right now, the bird nest doesn't have enough weight.

Now, if you are really attached to the image of the bird nest, there is a solution. If you rewrite the poem, start with the bird nest. You can make the image of the bird nest heavier by focusing the poem on the bird nest. Right now, though, it's not quite working.

Altogether, this is pretty good for an early poem. I hope that this review was helpful to you. Happy poeting.

This poem, its beautiful essence itself should be appreciated. The imagery is overpowering, in a good way, it makes this poem so dramatic. I love your appreciation to nature, it really makes the poem have a voice of its own. Only one can pretend that's its not too late to fix it.

I love the imagery you have here; made it simply a joy to read. Your word choice was very good as well, and I liked the message that you had at the end. It's true, people do not care nearly enough about the damage we make to nature, spend all their time focusing on themselves. Though, in the wake of a storm, that's not very surprising.

The only real critique I have for you is that I didn't get a very strong since of voice from this piece. I mean, that's fine, if you were going for the approach of a didactic poem, but if not, it may be something you'd like to work on.

-xxFleetingEternity