Ben Zane felt the warm air of the classroom heat up. His all white uniform contained too much body heat and the humidity in the room felt heavier than a jacket. He decided to shift his position to where his head was placed on top of the folded arms that laid on his desk. The cold, polished wood was a wonderful platform against his overheated arms. Since he was sick of listening to Mrs. Smirthen's annoying, monotome voice, he decided to let the cold desk drift him off to sleep.
Just as he began to close his eyes for sleep, he felt the wind of something landing in front of his face. He cracked his eyes and slowly lifted his head up. The landing item was a folded sheet of paper with it's owner, Jerry Bluston, smiling at the shock of his friend's face. Ben shook his head while squinting as he sat up. He unfolded his arms as he scanned the classroom from his seat in the back. Half-asleep jocks, fully-awake nerds, and his friend Jerry composed the population of Mrs. Smirthen's class. He sneaked a quick glance at Mrs. Smirthen to see if she had seen the note-passing. When he looked, he realized how disgusting Mrs. Smirthen really is.
A description of 32-year-old Mrs. Smirthen is not easy to define without the use of negativity. She was never attractive and the pearly white walls of the newly constructed school made her look even worse than usual. Mrs. Smirthen was about 5'4" with ugly brown hair and unnaturally tan skin. She looked to be about 220 pounds, probably weighing even more with the amount of make up located on her face. The wide rimmed glasses and her brown skirt didn't help with her lack of attractiveness.
Trying to get the image of her out of his head, Ben looked back down at the notebook paper. He grabbed it with his right hand while using his left to brush his brown hair above his right eye. He opened the note and read:
I hate Mrs. Smirthen's class with the strongest of passions. Why is she teaching Manipility? She probably didn't take part in the WIT, besides possibly writing it. Why is she teaching at all, for that matter? Only 45 more minutes left in this prison, then I can go home and play Math With Friends. It's your turn on that game. When are you gonna make your move?
Ben raised is shoulders, trying to say "Why would you give me this?". Ben crumpled up the letter, threw it at the black trash can and missed by about 2 feet. It rolled against the right wall of the classroom, finally stopping near the door.
"If you don.....No throwing objects in my classroom, Mr. Zane! I have repetitively told this class about laziness!" she exclaimed in her annoying voice while bending over and tossing the paper into the trash bin. "Ugh! This stupid generation. It's a good thing most of you won't survive." She straightened back up, fixed her top, and then turned back to the now fully-awake class. "Oh my, what I was saying?"
"You were about to let us watch the court case decision about the passing of The WIT Act", Ronald, a high-tech geek, explained.
"You're right, Ronald. Okay, class. Does anyone know how to use a DVD? It's been so long since the use of one, I don't even remember." Mrs. Smirthen asked.
"I can!" Ronald exclaimed.
As Ronald stood up to go help with the DVD, Ben looked out the window on the opposing side of the room. He could see the white Arena from his seat in the back.What an awesome building Ben thought as his eyes scanned it from the bottom to top.Too bad that could be my funeral. He snapped back to the classroom as the lights were turned off. Mrs. Smirthen, noticing that Ben had been distracted by the window, made her way over to the window and closed the curtains. The sceen flickered on and when it finally could keep the moving picture, it began with an American Eagle's head on top of a waving flag. The National Anthem began to play and lead the way into the court case that changed America forever.
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140,196 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Hey there!
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I liked this. The way you write is amazing and the way everything just flowed nicely. But one thing I found, was that in one part it says, '" oh my, what I was saying?".' I feel it should be 'what was I saying?' I don't know if this is correct or not, but that's the only problem I found. Everything was just spot on. Good writing and hope to read more!
-Mydnyt
I love your writing style with a passion. Your main character is on point and his friend as well. I can easily guess the age group. The setting is explained well and with ease and the tone doesn't seem forced. However, the character of the teacher does. It's demanding and you are too attentive to this character for some reason. On top, she's very clishe. You should probably do some more character developementvon her part. I felt like I was distracted in listening to use this character and I think you should try another description since this now has been overused. Other than that, my only complaint is that you focus on the two primary sensory details of "hearing" and "sight". You should try using description of her unmistakingly suffocating perfume she uses everyday and is how students can identify her presence from seemingly a mile or something to that effect. (Just a suggestion but its fine if you use that.) Anyway, im intrigued. I would like to read more c: Keep on writing, its great.
Hey! IamTraunt here to review!
Welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy your time here
First, let me do some nitpicking!
Now, the effectiveness of a story is very important when it comes to getting published - I suggest you put 'heat him up' to help the effectiveness and the flow of your story.
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Again with the effectiveness, but maybe if you changed the wording a little so that you could change this sentence so that it displays imagery, it would sound better, like this:
Its just a thought - you don't have to change it.
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This is spelled wrong, it should be 'monotone'. Good use of vocab btw.
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This should be 'his'.
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You don't need the extra '..' here, usually ellipse is three '...'.
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I think you know what is wrong here. You just forgot a space in between the next word in a sentence and a full stop. No biggie ^^
Storyline and Characters!
Okay, so I like the theme you have going on here - you have created a new world where children are learning about the history that changed America forever. You leave the reader hanging here and bombarding you with questions like: "What changed America?", "What court case?", "Why are they playing Math for fun?". And so on... You have really sparked my interest. This world that you have created sounds very dreary and forced upon the children - which makes me wonder if this is a dystopian type novel, where the goverment trains them to what, fight in some sort of war? You have left this up to the reader to interpret.
So, Ben Zane, hm? I like that name, its weird, but naming your character is very important as if your character has a typical, I've-seen-your-name-a-million-times, well, then the reader won't fake as much to him/her. Its good to be unique, so well done for that.
Now, the way you describe most of the jocks in this room makes me think that they have gone through this routine quite a bit, right? I mean, you wouldn't be bored if you didn't know what you were about to learn about, you would be slightly interested. You have shown us what life is like for Ben in this new world, and it has quite an impact on the reader.
Keep up the good work!
Very interesting. I liked the detailed descriptions and the post-apocalyptic future setting. I like how the characters are all believable in their actions and personalities. I also like how you use this "WIT case" as bait to keep readers hooked, asking questions such as, "Why won't most of the kids survive?" and "How did the WIT case change America forever?" I enjoyed this chapter a lot, and I'm definitely excited for the next chapter. I can very much see this becoming like Battle Royale or Deadman Wonderland.