(Gravel-kingdom-cul-de-sac.
Fall off the edge and never look back.)
It begins with three.
Brenna is oldest,
The glue of the group.
Loud,
Out-going.
John is most rational,
The impromptu leader.
Logical,
Decisive.
David is craziest,
The wildcard.
Brash,
Intimidating.
Three on the street.
Three for the house.
Three years of age.
Next there is four.
Emma is newest,
The unknown.
Shy,
Curious.
Four kids.
Four houses.
Four friends.
Four years.
It ends with five.
Janie is youngest,
A given in the group.
Coddled,
Confident.
Five voices.
Five lives.
Five kids.
Five adventures.
Five stories.
(Hold a grudge, tell a lie.
Ruin a life and always cry.)
Children ruling the neighborhood--
No, the world.
Alone in a sea of adults.
(Lost memories doused in shades of blue.)
Enemies defeated
With sheer imagination.
Viking hats like trophies
Perched on little heads.
Fight back the bad guys,
Triumph over all.
Imagination leads the way,
Stumbling over tiny feet.
Pause for nothing.
(Except food.
And family.
And bedtime.)
The deck is home.
The deck is comfort.
The deck is free.
The deck is infinite.
Enjoy the rain,
Adore the snow.
Lose the baseball,
Then find a sword.
Ignore the bugs,
The dog leash lying about,
The wet grass,
The broken fence.
Protected from evil
In the safety of the yard.
(Because grown-ups have
Nothing to do with it.)
Gravel-kingdom-cul-de-sac,
Top of the world.
Immovable.
(Car coming, run, run, run!)
(Sea of nothing, sea of green.
Grow up nice or grow up mean.)
David is the first to fall.
(Emma gives the push.)
A grudge held too long.
(Three-hundred-twenty-one memories forgotten.)
The line is drawn in the sand.
A rift forms.
John trusts David.
But Emma no longer holds his trust.
Brenna falls next.
(All too eager to hit rock bottom.)
She grew up too fast.
(Nine-hundred-sixty-five possibilities lost.)
Emma pulls back.
John moves on.
(Stop it, John,
We’re falling apart.)
Janie is dropped.
(I was trying to help.)
She doesn’t get back up.
(Two-hundred-ninety-nine regrets.)
John doesn’t forgive.
(It was an accident--
Don’t you ever stop to think?)
David is his final friend.
John jumps.
(Emma cries.)
A love lost before realized.
(Five-hundred-ninety-four things left unsaid.)
David is there for those in need.
(It was a misunderstanding,
He never actually fell.)
He stands unseen on the ledge.
Emma falls the furthest.
(She leaps after the others.)
She’s too far gone.
(Eight-hundred-twenty-seven lives not lived.)
Five memories forgotten,
Five possibilities lost,
Five regrets,
Five things left unsaid.
Five lives not lived.
(David is the last to fall,
With only five reasons
To remember it all.)
(Hurt a friend, don’t even blink.
Remain unfazed, don’t even think.)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Well, that hurt my little soul... good job! I like how this poem is a story. The story carries emotions through metaphors. It makes my heart sink reading it, that's a trait of good wording. The title is very fitting and the concise phrases work together well weaving a matrix of sybolism and sadness. The parenthesis are well placed, the italics do their job. I love the formatting.
I don't see any grammatical errors that can't be passed as stylistic. I don't see any grammatical errors. My only complaint is it's a little on the long side, but it was compelling enough to pull me through it so it should be fine. I loved it.
Keep writing.
Much love,
Shadow.
<333
Hi! Spunky here to review!
Grows:
This stanza is the one I had most problems with. Unlike the other ones, where you show why they are the "leader" or the "craziest" you don't show why Brenna is the glue of the group. That would make most sense if you gave two reasons why she held the group together.
The last sentence, "Three years of age" doesn't make much sense unless you are saying they are three years old.
I really love this rhyme! Only thing is, it seems a bit out of place in the poem. (so far anyway)
Wow, this is really good imagery. referring to the sea can mean they feel lost as well as alone. Really nice.
I am so confused. Why did Emma do that? David grew up, so what is it with Emma pushing him and holding a grudge? Did she do something that made him realize he was an adult or something?
I'm definitely not the best at interpreting poems, but did they die? or just grow up? it seems like they grew up but I'm not sure now...hehe...
Glows:
It seems like all the youngest people in any group is like this. I like your choice of wording as well.
YES! Again, nailed it with the description. I love how you said "Viking hats like trophies" because that's how it would appear to them. To anyone else it would be "Trophies like Viking hats." That's an amazing little detail.
This hit so close to home XD. Very realistic and funny.
Again, super accurate. Kids like to think that they are in charge, they are brave and strong. Even if they know that the grownups really are the protectors, they'll deny it.
Aww, poor Emma.
NOO BRENNA! So many kids do that too. They want to grow up, and so they do. Too soon.
Again, so powerful. This poem is awesome.
Even though it's obvious I was a bit confused at some of the parts, I absolutely loved this poem. I like that it confused me and made me think again about the meaning. This poem has a lot of ways that it could be interpreted, and I think that is really cool. Also, the FORMATTING! Seriously, the formatting was perfect! Overall amazing job!
Oh my, this way such a good poem. I loved the way it was set up the back and forth nature of the stanzas. and that ending was just heartbreaking. Sorry, I'm really bad at critiquing but I loved the storyline and the quick way you let up the personas of the characters.
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it!
I was going to leave a review on this, but I realized that I didn't have any specific to critique. I just wanted to gush about how much I love this poem. I love the formatting, I love the progression of the story, and I really love the inclusion of numbers!
Long poems can sometimes lead to too much repetition and unnecessary information, but this poem was just the perfect length. You captured an entire little cul-de-sac saga, and I love every single part of it. <3
I'm glad you like it!
This poem was very nursery rhyme-y, and while I understand that was intentional, it was also very annoying because of how skip-rope simple and repetitive it is. The thing you'll notice about skip rope rhymes is that they are usually short, where as this was VERRRRY LONNNG. I LOVE the way it was structured, and felt it was extremely inventive, but overall you may tried to hard to do something inventive, because you wound up destroying one of the key benefits of poems: the ability to quickly paint a beautiful picture that leaves you with a strong emotion. You left me with a strong sense of beardom caused by the sheer monotonous length of the piece and my inability to quickly discern where you were going-I wish you had quickly told me where you were going and given me a reason to care. I liked your idea, but in the end, I feel the tale you are trying to tell is better suited to a traditional narrative format, as I could very easily see this being a novelette.