“Meghan Bowen, Please meet me in the conference room.”, announced the P.A system
“Oooh! Someone’s in trouble!” Michelle sang. Ugh, she is so annoying.
I glared at her, and made my way over to the Conference room.
“Yes, Ms.Walter?” I asked.
I noticed another woman standing next to Ms.Walter. With her sharp and clean black blazer, nicely packed low bun, and polished shoes that would take me years to even attempt– . But that's odd– I mean, what would a lady of such high standard be doing at a stinky outskirts orphanage?
“Meghan, meet Ms.Kastrell,” Ms.Walter said, “She will be taking care of you from now on.”
My face lit up with a hint of confusion.
What!? Me!? Why!? She looks like a flippin billionaire! Why would she want me? I'm so confused.
“Come along now,” Said Ms.Kastrell, “We don’t got all day”.
She led me into a fancy limo. This all happened so fast, my head's spinning! 5 minutes ago I was in a lousy disgusting orphanage and now I'm in a limo!
The driver drove us to a massive futuristic skyscraper looking building.
Ms.Kastrell quickly got out of the limo and was practically gliding to the entrance– in heels! I also got out, trying to keep up with her, but my speed was of an infant taking their first steps.
I eventually caught up to her– breathless. I looked up– it seems she led me to a big white room with an elevator.
What have I gotten myself into?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the macabre S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Meghan is an orphan. Well, she’s an orphan until Ms. Kastrell, a billionaire, comes to adopt her. But why? And what will they be doing together in that mansion?
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I think there could be more descriptions on what’s going on, but this is only a prologue, so I’m sure that there will be more later.
Chocolate Bar - I like how this is starting off already with Meghan being adopted by a billionaire. It sets the scene up for a very interesting story and I’m really excited to see what secrets this billionaire has and what will be in store next for Meghan. Because seriously, why would Ms. Kastrell adopt her?
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a lovely prologue on what may be waiting for Meghan. I can’t wait to see the rest of the story and what else will happen to Meghan and Ms. Kastrell, and what they’ll both do from here on out. I’ll be sure to stay tuned and…
I wish you a good day/night! ^v^
Hello! Mama Weave here for a review. First of all, welcome to YWS. I hope you like it here. I got a lot of help with my writing through this website, and I made some of the best friends possible because of it. I hope you have a similar experience.
3 Things That Work
I love the use of first person perspective. It really draws in your reader and makes your story more relatable.
I like how you're abrupt and direct with the introduction of not only a shocking relationship but also the likely catalyst or conflict. Meeting someone so quickly and getting a shock like this one can be a good attention grabber, but be careful with it. I'll talk about this more in part 2.
I like that you show us more of the action and let us see it for ourselves through dialogue and brief descriptions. For me, it lets me imagine a world for myself, but it also places the focus on the drama at hand.
2 Things To Improve
I like your abrupt approach, but it's also a little too abrupt. It's a shocker, and it leaves me with a lot of questions. I know this is supposed to be a prologue to something bigger, but a little more of an introduction might help set the scene. It took me until the midpoint to figure out that this character Meghan is an orphan and we're in an orphanage. Maybe introduce Meghan a little smoother with a transition into the room or her opinion, etc. about where she is and what she's going through. Just a little insight.
The other thing I noticed is you're swapping back and forth between past tense and present tense. You go from past to present and back again in the first three lines:
And it happens again here, as well.
If you're using the present tense as a kind of internal monologue or active thought, then I suggest marking it with Italics or wrap it inside some kind of punctuation device. I've seen people use apostrophes, (') or even brackets or parentheses to offset these inner thoughts so it doesn't interfere with the action itself.
1 Thing I Want to Know More
I see it's labeled as SciFi and teen, and we're starting with a random adoption by a likely billionaire. Is this going to be a superhero or a supervillain? It's got me curious.
Good luck writing! I enjoyed reading it.