''Hello guyss,'' said Ragini entering into the room. Muskaan and Krisha who were already in the room ran towards her. They both were overjoyed by seeing Ragini. All of them looked like jaybirds. Krisha asked,''so guyss, ready to enjoy the summer holidays. Out of this hostel,in the laps of nature, roaming like little sparrows,going into new and different places....'' Muskan interrupted in between,''Ohh yes,yes our Ms. Poet, we know you are really enjoying this time. But I can see the clock already ticking 8'o clock and we have to reach the boys hostel by 9'o clock. So should we move on ?'' All of them took their bags and moved out of the room. They reached to the wardon's office. Ragini slowly went into the room. The wardon was sitting quietly in the room and working on papers. She looked at Ragini. Ragini said in a low voice,''Mam, keys of the room.'' ''Hmm,keep it on the table and go and yes return on time. Just after 2 months and 15 days. If you are late,no entry in the hostel.......!'' And she gave a full lecture to that poor girl. After 10 minutes when she moved out of the room, Krisha and Muskaan were laughing on her. Ragini looked daggers at them and said,''Yes, laugh. Laugh more loudly. That wardon what does she thinks if herself? Giving lectures to Ragini Arora. Wait I will show her.....'' ''Show her what Ragini,'' asked Krisha,''Had you forgetten that day???'' And they again started laughing. Ragini fumed but she knew she couldn't do anything. So she quietly picked up har bags and came out. Behind her Krisha and Muskaan too came out. Their sat in the taxi and started off.
Ragini, Krisha and Muskaan were three best friends. They were preparing for their CS examination. After exams,this time it was 2 months holiday for them. So they decide to go to their uncle Sanskaar who was a NYD Ageny Detective. Although he was just 30 years old,these young chaps would call him Uncle. Along with girls, there were boys too in the group. Jahaan, Ranveer and Shikhar were too best friends. Jahaan Arora was brother of Ragini Arora and Krisha Agnihotri's boyfriend. Shikhar Agnihotri and Ranveer Agnihotri were Krisha's brother and boyfriend of her friends Ragini and Muskaan Khanna. They all were preparing for CS and for the time being living in hostels. Sanskaar was Muskaan's cousin brother. This year Sanskaar had a new mystery in hand which wasn't a professional one, but he undertook to solve it on his own. So he had called these guys to join him.
The girls reached the boy's hostel by 9.50. The boys were already with their bags and caps. They greeted the girls and started again. After an hour or so they reached the Everest bugalow. This was the residence of Sanskaar where he and his 3 servants resided alone. Sanskaar wasn't married so he lived alone. Sometimes these chaps would visit him and all the time they would keep forcing him to marry!! But Sanskaar was interested only in one thing-Mystery. And nothing else!!
As the young chaps reached inside it was all quiet as it used to be. But as these people reached inside it all changed. All of them started chattering and munching some snacks. Suddenly Sanskaar entered into the room. He asked'' In my home, eating my snacks and along with it eating my head and not even asking me to come, who are these pirates?'' All of them went towards him and hugged him. He asked them,'' So guys what's up? Hope you all are fine.'' All if them nodded in yes. But Jahaan said,''Uncle Sans leave all that. First tell us what this mystery is all about?'' All of them agreed to him. So Sans motioned them to sit down. He called one of the servants and ordered him to get something to eat. Then he said,'' See guys, I know you all have heard and read about a lot of mysteries, but this a true life one. So I ask you all to hear what I say seriously. See solving a mystery case is no child's play. You need full attention on the thing what you are doing. Try to pay more attention to your work. There will many difficulties in your path but you will have to learn to face them and solve them if you really want to solve a case.!!'' As he completed Shikhar said,'' Uncle we agree to your points, but you tell us what the case really is that we have to solve.'' Sans then continued'' See,in our state there are many small villages and Beed us one of them. Along with the borders of this village lies a long jungle. After this jungle there starts a series of mountains. After this series is again a jungle. I know it sounds very far away and it is really far away!! Now in this jungle in the middle of it lies an old bungalow-THE BARLEY VILLA. 10-12 years back,this bungalow was occupied by the villagers of the village known as Dakpur. The village no longer exists, but there are many folktales that it left behind. The bungalow Barley Villa was occupied by the head of the village i.e. Rajpurohit Singh. He was a good and kind hearted man. His wife was too good. They had 2 sons and a daughter. His wife and he would always try to do things for the welfare of the villagers. They had spent 15 years of their life like that. Their ancestors were the kings and queens in the medieval era. His father and grandfather would always tell him as a child that there were many places in the bungalow where infinte wealth is buried. But Rajpurohit was not interested in wealths. The only thing that could drew his attention was HUMANITY. But one day all that changed. Suddenly due to falling from the stairs of his bunglow, Rajpurohit had his neck broken and he died. After 1-2 months of his death, there struck a huge earthquake. The whole of the village was destroyed except the Villa. The villagers started to move out of the place, but Rajpurohit's wife won't come. She didn't wanted to leave that place but the villagers took her away any how. After this incident, nobody had ever known about the family, but it is told by some villagers who used to reside in the village that, Madhav the second son of the family was lost. While trying to save himself from the quake he ran away from the bungalow and slipped into the well of the village.''
As he completed Ranveer asked,'' So uncle what work we have to do?'' Sans said'' Actually the village that was destroyed had a new village in its near about. The people from this village have been informing about seeing some unnatural movements in the bungalow and in the village. This village is again known as Dakpur but is far from the old Dakpur. Now the village head Mr. Bambaji is one of my friends relative. And my friend has asked me to solve this mysetry.'' As he completed he took a long breath. All the others who were listening to him and silpping of their teas which had arrived a long time back, too kept quiet. Then Muskaan asked,'' So uncle when to start? We girls need around a day to complete our shoppings and take permission from our parents.'' The other girls and even boys too agreed to her point!!!! So after half an hour's discussion they decided to start their journey after 2 days. So for the time being they bid each other good bye and left for their homes to prepare for The Startup-THE MYSTERY OF THE BARLEY VILLA.....!!!
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
You know, I've always been a character person, I like characters and I like good characters. This story has some really interesting characters in it, too. Sanskaar and his love of mysteries, Singh and his wife. They're really interesting, and I love how you came up with this detailed backstory to this unique and interesting world. The coolest stories to me are the ones where people are able to imagine a whole entire world.
I think most of the improvements you can make are stylistic changes. This is going to be a doozy, so hold onto your hats...
When you have multiple characters speaking or doing something, you should break them into separate lines for clarity's sake, and for better pacing. Each character should get their own line. So it should look like this:
There are also some minor grammar mistakes there, and I think you can describe them better than "jaybirds" because that doesn't really put a strong picture in my head of what they should look like.
This is called an info dump, and you have a couple of them. It's a break in the action of the story to tell us a whole bunch of backstory. It's best to avoid them because it's hard to keep track of it all. Whenever you want to re-write this, it's better to implement the backstory in the dialogue.
Be mindful of how long your paragraphs are -- the second to last one is a monster, and really tough to follow. Break them up with the enter button. There are a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes. If English isn't your first language it can be a challenge, but Microsoft Word is $10 a month and corrects most of these. When I see a lot of these that Word or Google Docs wouldn't fix, it really distracts me because I realize right away the author didn't use a word processor.
Italicize instead of capitalizing to show a raised voice. Limit yourself to one exclamation point for ending sentences, never use two.
Overall, this reads as a first draft, and it's a good first draft. It just needs some work stylistically, then you'll be on your way to a strong story.
Thanks tigeraye for your kind ssuggestions. I will try to imprve my grammar at once and earliest. Once again thanks for helping me by suggesting some important points to make my writeup much better.
Wow--I've actually finished reading this!!
Now first, great plot, great story, great characters.
I think you wrote this story a bit too fast, though--check your grammar and punctuation carefully! Read through your story at least once or twice before you publish it.
You should put breaks between characters' speech. For example:
''Hello guyss,'' said Ragini entering into the room. Muskaan and Krisha who were already in the room ran towards her. They both were overjoyed by seeing Ragini. All of them looked like jaybirds. Krisha asked,''so guyss, ready to enjoy the summer holidays. Out of this hostel,in the laps of nature, roaming like little sparrows,going into new and different places....'' Muskan interrupted in between,''Ohh yes,yes our Ms. Poet, we know you are really enjoying this time. But I can see the clock already ticking 8'o clock and we have to reach the boys hostel by 9'o clock. So should we move on ?''
should look something like:
''Hello guys,'' said Ragini, entering into the room. Muskaan and Krisha who were already in the room ran towards her. They both were overjoyed by seeing Ragini. All of them looked like jaybirds.
Krisha asked,''So guys, ready to enjoy the summer holidays. Out of this hostel,in the laps of nature, roaming like little sparrows,going into new and different places...."
Muskaan interrupted in between,''Ohh yes,yes our Ms. Poet, we know you are really enjoying this time. But I can see the clock already ticking 8'o clock and we have to reach the boys hostel by 9'o clock. So should we move on ?''
What is CS? Is it an abbreviation for something? For what?
I think you should introduce your setting. Where is all this happening?
Watch out for repetitive words and phrases (like the "so"s in the last paragraph).
Break the bigger paragraphs into smaller ones for easy reading.
The story, though, is great! Keep writing--I can't wait to see what happens next!
Thanks for your kind advice
Surely I will keep in mind to correctly write the grammar.
And CS is the abbreviation for COMPANY SECRETARY
Ah, I see. Thanks!