Published May 20, 2009
Hey I've had rather a long absence from writing, which is something I cannot say has been down to laziness - I have been trying but the words just weren't coming. Anyway, enjoy.
Needing you.
Cover me with roses;
the kind one never finds.
To dedicate your love for me.
Write for me a sonnet;
the sweetest you can pen,
and smother me with your beauty.
I'll swallow your keys
or chain you to the bed,
just stay with me a while longer.
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I like it, it has a nice turn in the end haha. I think that it is very ummm i dunno original I suppose.
Hey Kris! June here!
Okay, at first glance, this poem looks strangely innocent and sweet, but as we come to the end, it's almost... evil.
At the end here, you have:
I think that you can tinker with this last line a bit, dear, because it kind of seems like, you're being agressive and then displaying your wish, but! If you say "So you can stay with me a bit longer" or "Just so you will stay with me a while longer" it seems more fitting, more connected to the poem.
I think this is pretty good (and I kind of wish to know the inspiration behind this
Nice job,
June
HI kris,
Very interesting, I had to read it twice. It appears pretty and sweet in the beginning, beautiful middle and manipulative and to me, slightly aggressive in the end. To me it has two sides. The soft want for love or affection or adoration and the aggressive controlling need for "love or affection or adoration". Yet again, interesting. May I ask your inspiration?
Hi kris,
Cute? This cannot really be described because there is nothing to describe. I do have a suspicion of a darker undertone to this poem, but I'll save my hypothesis until the end.
If there is no underlying dark tone, though, then you have a problem because this is very wistful and cloudy. No substance, little to no imagery.
Now you do have imagery - somewhat - but the different strands of images do not fit with one another. Writing and smothering? This could potentially work because earlier on, you were "covered" in beauty literally, but to forge that connection, you need to strengthen these pictures by either making it more obvious to whom they are supposed to entwine, or to just describe them in more detail and spark the readers' minds.
This time, it's the content of this poem that doesn't fit. Here, you imply that your love is leaving or has left, and in the rest of the poem, the implication is that h/she loves you deeply enough to cover you with roses and write sonnets. What's going on here? The poem would do well without this last stanza entirely, actually.
Now, the tone of this piece seemed to change from a puppy-kind-of-love to a more menacing, stalker aura. Was this your intention? The last paragraph is the one that really brings this feeling out, although other references - "smothering", "cover", etc - work to this theme's strength. If this was your intention, you did a relatively well job of showing it. If it wasn't, then the poem is fundamentally flawed and needs to be rewritten to express whatever you were trying to express.
Hope that helped.