I'm waiting...

kris wrote:I'm waiting...
I'm waiting...
I'm...
Waiting for you
to tell me something-
anything.
Anything to dispel this,
malaise.

I only saw half an idea in the entire stanza. There's a certain level, even when given poetic license, that you shouldn't stretch out your meanings and themes so thin that when the reader finally pieces together everything, he feels cheapened by the experience. That's happening here. The pauses, the breaks, the repetitions, all feel like you've overloaded this stanza with meaningless filler. Take out the second "anything", because it sounds cheesy - I've seen "Anything, anything, please!" or the idea of it used too much in poetry and prose for it to have any value anymore. "Malaise" isn't the right word, especially when the rest of the stanza's word choice is so simplistic. It appears pretentious, so replace it with a lighter word that sounds like it's been written by the same voice that spoke the previous lines.

I'm a stranger,
even to myself.
A shadow of a ghost...

Why? You seem to be conflicted on whether you're talking to another person, talking to yourself, or if they're all the same person. It's foggy and I hope you explain it later on. If not, then re-work the first line of this stanza so that it relates to the person you're talking about.

I don't like this...
Interloper -
this stalker,
that's squatting my mirror.

"Stalker" has become such a teenage term, if you will, that it's comedic when not used absolutely perfectly in conversation and literature. It didn't ring with me on a subjective level, so if you find the same reaction among several readers, take it out and replace it with something else - preferably, a word that actually connects to "interloper", because "stalker" certainly doesn't have anything to do with it. A stalker hardly interlopes with the person he's stalking or with anyone else connected to that person. That's why he's called a stalker - he hides, waits.

I'm waiting...
I'm...
Waiting for you
to chase me away,
to snuff out my emotions.
Say something -
anything.

Again, this stanza was a disappointment like was the first; it dragged out the idea or theme through multiple lines and ended it with a whimper. I want a bang, especially if you're going to repeat the first stanza almost entirely (a cheap trick, but some have managed to do it right by introducing another idea and making it "the same, but different" kind of feel). Right now, this entire poem is mediocre because of the poor way you started the first and last stanzas, so I suggest focusing on them much more than the middle ones.

Hope that helped.

This is very good. Just a few corrections in bold:

I'm waiting...

I'm... this doesn't really make much sense to me when you put these periods here. At least it didn't at first...but I think I get it now...

Waiting for you

to tell me something-

anything.

Anything to dispel this,

malaise.



I'm a stranger,

even to myself.

A shadow of a ghost...



I don't like this...

Interloper -

this stalker,

that's squatting my mirror.



I'm waiting...

I'm...

Waiting for you

to chase me away,

to snuff out my emotions.

Say something -

anything.

The rhythm is kinda tricky, but it's a great poem. And better yet, only one corection! Yay!! Great Job!

- Claeren