Published August 7, 2016
Words run smoothly through my mind like melted butter through a bowl of popped kernels of corn. See that butter that flows is like the flow of the words from my mind to paper to the mind of the person who reads it to the soul down deep inside them and out their mouth again as they share it with a friend. I don't normally like to rhyme cause I feel it just wastes time. I just like to have my words flow; bot rhyme. But I suppose that just this time I'm going to have to rhyme. I'm going to make an acception so I'll have to play deception on the rules I set in stone but I think those could be thrown away cause I can just make myself anew and hand all of my poems to you. I can truely say I love to write my poems cause I've found that it’s a way to make my voice heard. Even though I can easily write a story of words that don’t flow but pop on paper as I type them like popcorn in the microwave instead of butter down the corn inside the bowl, but I don’t feel that’s effective. You see those words are just on paper and they’re plain like fresh popped corn so they really have no meaning til you spice it up some more. Really my prose just don’t flow on the paper like the poems that come from my soul. This poetic prose is a way for those to see a less confusing version of my mind and my soul, and as all of the words flow I feel my soul go from my heart and through my veins into my fingers to the keys onto the page where people see all of the words that infest the insides of me. But really the insides only show the world what they already knows. That I'm just as simple as I seem, and deep inside I know I'm just a poet who needs to show it. Really we are all poetic but when we think our thoughts get static and they won't stick to the page so all our thoughts are just sporadic. See I’m not an open book, more like extended thoughts on paper written like a man who takes a pen and draws some flowy lines instead of blocks so he can show how much stuff flows when it comes from the soul and creates this wispy flow that only he had known but now it's out there in the world and the people now all know of the stuff that lives inside of his special paper world.
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I totally agree with Felistia, and I'd appreciate if you'd like edit it and stuff, it would be so much more better, I'm sure.
This is about writing and its almost perfect, to me anyways, I love how you're straight forward and to the point in the beginning, and how you explain it all so well, although you've got quite anew mistakes that poem generally is a pretty cool one, great idea and foe the purpose it was written, great delivery.
So, a few words that were used wrongly:
bot rhyme** not rhyme
Acception**Exception
What they already KNOWS*** know
Shae was here.. .
See you next time on the next one.
Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Nit-picks
Okay so my first piece of advice is to format the poem with stanzas and spaces, the usual. Now I know that this was for the paragraph poem competition, but if you're going to post it in the green room, it's best to format it as you normally would.
Another thing that I noticed with your poem is that you have a lot of ridiculously long lines. Even in a normally formatted poem they'd seem to long. I'd try to break them up a bit and take out the unnecessary words.
You also tend to use the same words over and over again like "flow" you used a lot. The others just tend to be used twice in one or two lines. If I were you I'd look up some different words so not to use the same ones over and over again. If you use the same words too many times the poem will feel boring and repetitive.
That brings up another thing. You say the same thing over and over again. A lot of these lines could be shortened and you need to try and not repeat what you've said. I'm sorry if this sounds like a rant. It's not, I'm just trying to help you since I think this poem has real potential. It just needs some polishing.
I really liked the metaphor of buttery popcorn you had going through the poem. It had me feeling really hungry.
Overall it was an okay poem. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
P.S please let my know when you've edited it. I'd love to have a look at what you did and maybe give some more advice.