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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

The Veda of Pablo- Book 1- Fathers

by krakenking


Eight million years ago, there existed a planet called Earth. On this Earth crawled beings, unknowing of what lay outside of their reach. In a place called Mexico, a great kingdom had arisen. This kingdom had powers beyond the belief of anyone at the time. Matter could be turned into pure energy, and was used to power every home in the land. The rest of Earth felt jealous of Mexico, and from time to time, attacked the great nation. However, the great military capabilities of an Earth united could not defeat Mexico. Unseen forces crushed hover-barges, military encampments, and peoples eye sockets. After a while, the world bowed down to Mexico.

The Kingdom of Mexico was created by a poor man named Francisco. He wandered the previously-called land of Azteca, and was constantly reciting poetry. In his travels, he saw the great poverty that had befell most of the population. He vowed to end it.One day, by chance, he arrived at the castle of the Parliament. The castle was made of solid gold, wood, and lead, and stood three miles tall.Francisco was invited to stay in the castle overnight to indulge in a great feast, marking the day which Azteca was born. Francisco, of course, accepted. However, he had a much darker plan than to party, drink, and have fun. He would set fire to the castle, which would melt the lead, destroy any remnants of the old government, and end the vicious cycle of horror plaguing the land. In the middle of the night, he wandered from his sleeping quarters to the Center Post of the castle. This 40 foot thick log supported the entire castle. Francisco put a lit match in a hole in the log, and the castle slowly began to burn. He ran down the central staircase, as the column of fire inched closer to burning down the castle.

He escaped into the countryside, where he found a grape farm called MEXICO FARMS, and took a nap in a wine cellar. As he slept he dreamt of the burning castle, and an end to the problems plaguing Azteca. In the morning, he awoke to the smell of molten lead. He ran towards the clearing in front of the castle. What he saw was horrific, but fascinating. Molten lead was flowing through he village surrounding the castle, scorching whatever it touched. All that was left of the castle after the inferno was the gold exterior. Francisco ran to the nearest town he knew of, and gathered the town in the Town Plaza. He proclaimed “You will suffer no more! I have burned down the Castle of Parliament! We, the people, will form a new nation, the nation of, um...” He had to think for a second. What could he call his new nation. Something quick and catchy. Something he knew. “...MEXICO! I will be its king, and my descendants our future kings.”

The town applauded loudly. They began to run to the surrounding towns, and tell of their liberation. Some places responded with happiness, while others sought to kill their new king. For 15 long years, the kingdom of Azteca was shattered into tens of nations. They battled for control of what was a great kingdom. In the north was the Azteca Nation, where all of the supporters of the old ways had gradually made their ways to. It was run much the same as before, except for a mandatory service draft, in order to keep the army well stocked. In the south was the Kingdom of Mexico, where Francisco and his followers ruled. The Kingdom sent out a call for scientists, strategists, and architects throughout the world. Many scholarly types arrived to aid in the completion of the civil war. King Francisco had designed a system, which would focus light into a death ray. The system was built inside of the old Parliament Castle. Within 10 years, a system was erected to wipe out Azteca. By this time, Francisco had died from natural causes, and his son, Castile, had taken the throne.

Castile showed no mercy during the final days of the civil war. The Death Tower, as the mechanism would come to be called in later days, was used efficiently and brutally. King Castile had a habit of riding his pure white horse into towns before they were incinerated, and shouting “Today all enemies will fall!” No one could escape the ray. It lit fires, seared flesh, and burnt holes straight through buildings. The enemy fell within 5 years.

Nothing was left of Azteca. Fields were scorched, the local population dead, everything had to be rebuilt. However, Castile had a much better idea than to simply rebuild. He would use his army of scholarly types to design new towns, new cities, new geography. For may years, only a large tent was erected in the burnt fields of Azteca. Inside of this tent, a bubble universe was being constructed, where scientist would live while working on the redevelopment. The air outside was toxic, due to the destruction of several chemical plants. In the bubble universe, there was a forest, homes, and laboratories. Slowly, but surely, groundbreaking discoveries were made in the Tent. They detoxified the air, created cold fusion, and designed colonies. Colonist from all around the world migrated to Mexico to take their share of prosperity.

Castile was assassinated at the public opening of the first colony, New Azteca. His assassin, a professional soldier from Antarctica, was hired to undermine Mexico. Fortunately, Castile had a son, Jeremiah, who had more leadership qualities than his father. He called all of the colonists to send one family member into the army, so vengeance could be taken against Antarctica. Millions of people joined the army, and were shipped to the south of modern-day Chile. In the camps there, the colonist were trained in battle strategy, and how to battle in airships. On the eve of war, Jeremiah came down to the base camp, along with a new battalion of new tools, called field openers. These implements let the soldiers travel immediately between base camp, and the capital of Antarctica, Regilus. This implement would also let atomic bombs be sent directly across space-time, but yet risk no lives. A radiation filter was also put over the nation, so no one could escape devastation, and so the affects of war would not destroy the world

Millions died during the first week of war. Bullets flew across the continent, and thousands of civilians perished. On the final day of the war, a nuclear weapon, called the Apocalypse, detonated with the power of twenty-seven billion pounds of TNT. It caused one trillion years of nuclear winter in Antarctica. The continent also shifted from its position at the equator to the south pole.

Soon after the war, Jeremiah dressed himself in radioactivity protection wear, and journeyed on foot across the ruined land. He felt the radiation, cooking him from the inside out. However, he couldn’t stop. Something terrible had happened the nuclear bomb detonated. A jail, full of the most dangerous things on Earth, had been destroyed. Unfortunately, simple things like bombs could not kill what had to be stored forty miles under the surface of the planet. Antarctica had housed the ten, final ProHumans.

Several years before the founding of Mexico, a scientist in Antarctica named Ork Abseron had subjected several criminals to intense Delta radiation. Within three years of the start of the project, Ork knew that it had to end. The criminals were changing. They were growing, gaining powers. A serial killer had gained the ability to stop a persons heart from a distance. A murderer had telekinesis. Ork sent a report to the government, requesting the use of of a decrepit bunker, which went forty miles down into a silicon mine. He restrained the creatures while they were sleeping, and deposited them in the hole. Armed guards had to be stationed at the opening to the mine, in order to keep the public safe. Now there was nothing left to keep the mutants from the surface.

Jeremiah checked his position on a plasma map. He was close to the pit. He heard shrieks in the distance. It has to be them! he thought. No one else had survived the war. He ran as fast as he could in his bulky suit towards the voice. It became louder, and louder. Suddenly, a tentacle grabbed Jeremiah’s arm. He pulled out his atom splitter, and sliced the arm off. A howl roared across the radioactive desert. A bolt of lightning came crashing threw the night, and struck his arm. The arm was dead, thoroughly. Jeremiah looked around glaringly. He had a sudden urge to stab the air next to his left ear. The atom splitter hit the flesh of a lobster-like creature. The creature dissolved into atoms. and the blast cleared the immediate area. The King saw something amazing. A creature made out of fire was ascending into the sky. Jeremiah chased the fleeting form as far as he could. However, by then, the flame was already out of sight. Jeremiah began to cry. The world was doomed. A psychotic, all-powerful mutant had been released. He fell to the ground, praying to an unknown force. For what seemed to be forever, he was lying on the frozen ground, until a voice came out of nowhere.

“Grab the sky. I will give you a weapon.”

Jeremiah stood up, and reached up into the sky. He felt an invisible blades handle in the space above his body. He quickly grabbed it, and thrust it into the ground. Looking around, he saw glowing cracks radiating from the tip of his sword.

“What can I do with it ?”

“Imagine where you want to be. Then cut a hole through space-time.”

The King pictured where he wanted to be. He imagined the creature, he imagined it well. He then slashed the air in a circle with his new weapon. A loud ‘WHOOSE!” came through the portal. He was sucked through the hole in the Universe, and arrived on top of a skyscraper in Mexico City. On the horizon, he saw the creature, larger than ever before. Its pores were belching out lava onto the streets of the fair city. He had to do something.

Jeremiah threw himself off of the top of the building, and used the built up energy of the sword to propel him across the sky. He landed on top of the monster. Fire engulfed his body, but he was surrounded by a protective forcefield emanating from the blade. The blade was thrust into the gigantic head of the creature. His body became engulfed in the cracks of space-time. A howl silenced the entire city. Out of the realm of space and time came a hand. It grabbed the creature, and brought it back to the hands owners realm. Jeremiah limp body, used up from the immense struggle he had just participated in, fell some three thousand metres to the ground. His soul had left his body, due to its new constraints, and tried whatever it could do to salvage the body.The most that Jeremiah could do was create an air buffer to save his body from destruction.

On the ground, signs of the battle were strikingly clear. His arm was lost in the Antarctic. The absence of energy flowing from any part of his body showed the sheer magnitude of the swords energy sucking ability. The King was covered in scorch marks, from his head to his toes. He was teleported to the finest hospital in the land, called Castile Medical Center. He was sent to the experimental treatment center. The doctors knew that nothing known to conventional medicine could fix him. In the newest room in the hospital, the printer, Jeremiah's body was recreated cell by cell, according to his genetic structure. Each passing minute was agonizing to the medical professionals. The body was close to construction, but no signs of life seemed to emerge, not even a breath. The doctors were astonished. They had done everything right, but nothing worked. The main doctor, Leon Tropotsky, became desperate to save the King. He stood in front of the body, and commanded it to live. The other medical professionals looked at him peculiarly.

“Wake up, my King! We are in need of your governance, so I command you to wake!”

The soul of Jeremiah heard the pleas, and although knowing that he could not stay on Earth for long, he had to tie up some loose ends in his life. He concentrated all of his disembodied might on the clone. Jeremiah knew that if he put all of his life into the body, he would be trapped, and not able to pass on. So, he gave a spark of life to the body, and gave it the ability to walk, and speak his word. He directed the mass of cells up, and made it say “I am not here. I am merely possessing it to tie up my royal rulings” to Dr. Tropotsky. The doctors were shocked. Some were crying, some were smiling, and some weren’t exactly sure what to make of this.

“Oh yes, my lord. Should we transport you to the palace balcony, where you can give a final speech, and pass on?”

“Later, my friend. First bring me to the site of my fathers murder. I have to do something there.” said Jeremiah in soft tones.

“I shall.”

Tropotsky carried Jeremiah’s unmoving body to the tele-porter room. He inputed the site code for Castile’s grave, now a national monument to innovation. Suddenly, the field opener showed a picture of the grave. “We are almost there, Jeremiah.”

A wind, much stronger than any hurricane, blew the doctor and the king into the graveyard. Tropotsky asked “So, what do you do now? Are you simply going to sit here for a while, or something else? I mean, anything is fine, you’re the boss.”

“I am making a psychic connection to my deceased father. I want to tell him something. If I am no longer responding, that is okay. I will be venturing quite a distance into the spirit world. I was there during my brief death. However, I never left its surface. This will probably be goodbye forever.”

His soul left his body, and journeyed into the spirit world.


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38 Reviews


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Reviews: 38

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Tue Oct 01, 2013 10:13 am
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SunsetSprite wrote a review...



Hey hey!

First, I welcome you here with open arms! \(^O^)/

Okay, this reminds me of something I have read before. It was when I was extremely little and someone read it out to me and I had this really cool dream. This reminded me of it! I like the way it was told, with the person in my mind sounding like he's one of them wise old people sitting in the corner and has a book open, telling his tale to the children surrounding him. Yep, you have a talent!

However, there were some things that needed to be looked into. The first one is your description. It's first, being forced and second, it's telling me and not showing me. Like this...

"The soul of Jeremiah heard the pleas, and although knowing that he could not stay on Earth for long, he had to tie up some loose ends in his life. He concentrated all of his disembodied might on the clone. Jeremiah knew that if he put all of his life into the body, he would be trapped, and not able to pass on. So, he gave a spark of life to the body, and gave it the ability to walk, and speak his word. He directed the mass of cells up, and made it say “I am not here. I am merely possessing it to tie up my royal rulings” to Dr. Tropotsky. The doctors were shocked. Some were crying, some were smiling, and some weren’t exactly sure what to make of this."

Now this could be worded a little better. My suggestion would be some metaphors and similes. In this, this line...

"So, he gave a spark of life to the body, and gave it the ability to walk, and speak his word."

Should be something like this...

'So, the spark of life ran through his body, giving this young man the gift of sight, sound, and movement. This spark, this shining life bolt, gave him the gift of life.'

Or something like that. You need more descriptions.

Also, the paragraphs were long. Like REALLY long, (some of them that is). You need to break up this story into smaller parts.

Overall, I love the idea and how you wrote it, it just needs some polishing.

I hoped I helped out a little.

See you~!




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508 Reviews


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Mon Sep 30, 2013 10:07 pm
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dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review!

First off, welcome to YWS! Second, this needs to be shorter. Go review other works (the Green Room isn't the only place to review things; check the tabs at the top of the page for other works).

Technical:
"and peoples eye sockets", the "peoples" should be "people's".

"The Kingdom of Mexico was created by a poor man named Francisco." This is a "tell" sentence, and the entire paragraph feels tell. For that matter, everything up until "Jeremiah checked his position on a plasma map. He was close to the pit. He heard shrieks in the distance. It has to be them! he thought. No one else had survived the war." feels like "tell". I need way more description! Slow down, or write a prologue. There is way too much backstory that you could include later on in the story, and we don't necessarily need to understand what you're saying.

"Jeremiah stood up, and reached up into the sky. He felt an invisible blades handle in the space above his body. He quickly grabbed it, and thrust it into the ground. Looking around, he saw glowing cracks radiating from the tip of his sword." What? No looking around? No asking "Who's that?"? No curiosity, no panic, not even slight confusion? And how does he know he's supposed to stick the sword point into the ground?

Overall, there's a ton of work to do. Especially with descriptions. If you don't know what tell is, read this: Wordsmithing: It's Time For Show and Tell!
And for fleshing out your writing a little bit more, read:
Wordsmithing: Three Layer Cake, Please

Hope this helps!





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