The Lake House/ Chapter 1 Part 1(Edited)

Thanks, everything helped. (:

Yo. KD here. Welcome to YWS! I'll review your story piece by piece today.

kr1117 wrote:Name: Kayden Maline O’Connell
Age: 22
Residence: Northbend, Washington

This story is about my little sister, who was murdered when she was fifteen, and I seventeen. I searched for her killer, and didn’t come up empty handed.

“Soon as we become alive,
death is waiting,”
-Flyleaf

kr1117 wrote:“Kal-” Mrs. Morrison cut off while doing role. She looked at me, knowing that my sister's Watch your possessive apostrophes! name was always before mine and that she wouldn’t be here anyway, since she was missing. “Kayden O’Connell?”
“Here.”
Kali has run off before, but not this long. She always would come back, always. Kali has been gone for a little less than a school week, which made me worry. I knew whenever she ran away, she would be gone for no more than 2 days, and stayed at my family's lake house when she did. The stress level for me was doubling every passing hour. My mind was almost at a breaking point. I dreaded when school was going to be done in forty-five minutes, and I would go home, alone.

kr1117 wrote:“Okay class, please take out your math homework from last night.” Mrs. Morrison asked told us. The teacher is clearly not asking the kids to take out their homework. If she was asking them, she would say something like, "Class, can you take out your math homework?", or, since the kids don't really have a choice if they want to take out their math homework or not: "Class, do you want to take out your math homework right now?"
I grabbed my ROXY binder and pulled out my math homework. Math was pretty simple for me, every classsubject was, actually. I never have had I put the have in there, since it shows that she is still not having any problems with school. any problems in any class, and my grades are always higher than a B. Kali always was smarter though, that’s why she was in my Ssenior math class while she was a Sophmoresophomore.
The class phone rang. Everyone looked up.
“Excuse me, class.” Mrs. Morrison walked to the phone. You don't need to tell us that. Obviously she had to walk over to the phone to answer it. In your writing, try to say as least as possible when it comes to stating the obvious, unless you're telling a story to small children. Let the reader make an inference on their own.

kr1117 wrote:“It’s probably something about Kal-” A beach blonde girl guessed. My glare cut her short. I turned back to my math and ran my slender fingers in through my long, auburn hair. The cold silk feeling calmed me down a bit.
Mrs. Morrison reluctantly hung up the phone. She looked up at me and nodded. I sighed and could feel tears forming behind my lashes. I put my homework on top of my binder and books and shoved my pencils in the zipper pouch. I gave Mrs. Morrison my math paper. The whole class didn’t move, didn’t talk. It felt like I was the only living thing in the room. They all knew...

kr1117 wrote:I ran to my locker, not even looking back at my math class. Out of anger, I slammed my books in the turquoise locker, rattling the metal. My book bag was yanked out and stuffed full with books and binders. In this sentence, you make it seem as if she walked up to her locker to find her book bag yanked out and stuffed full with things. I closed up my locker, leaving some papers behind. My feet sped down the hallway, eager to discover the fate of my sister even though I might regret it. Explain why she might regret it. Closer and closer I got to the office, and The closer I got to the office,the more clearer did the man in the office seem. It was Kam, my brother. His hair was the same color as mine, but cut into This part doesn't read well. a buzz cut that soldiers always wear.
“Kam!” I yelled and ran to him. Kam turned and smiled half-heartedly, almost like it was fakehis smile seeming almost fake. He was still in his army gear with his name tag saying his last name, “O’Connell”. I ran up to him and gave him a big hug, my tears starting to pour. Not a good way to describe crying. He was only 5 years older than me, yet still very young.

kr1117 wrote:“I can’t believe youryou're Make sure to always double or triple check things like this. home,” I cried.
“You better believe it, 'cause I’m going to be here for a while.” Kam laughed. He was always the funny guy of the family. “Let's go home.”
I wiped my tears off my face and grabbed my book bag. We walked out of the school doors and to his Ford truck. I don’t know to much about cars, so I couldn’t tell you all of the details. Huh? And what does that have to do with anything? I would take this sentence out. Kam opened the door tofor me, being a real gentlemean, and I jumped in. He walked around to the other side orof the car and jumped in. In that short amount of time, Kali came back into my mind. This time, sticking. Something was up, and Kam wouldn’t come pick me up unless something terrible, or good happened.

kr1117 wrote:The car shifted gears as we drove out of the school parking lot.
“How’s school for ya?” Kam asked.
“Eh, not exciting. How’s Iraq?” I asked.
“Really dirty, and dangerous.”
“Hmm.” I mumbled. I had nothing else to add.
Our conversation didn’t need to be long, since we were almost home already. Just about a mile away I would be home, again, without Kali. ? Are you trying to say that her house is only one mile away? This sentence is confusing. The rest of the ride was silent, and it. It wasgave me an eerie feeling. Something was up, but I didn’t want to think the worst. You just said that a few sentences ago. Perhaps can you say it in a different way?

Hey there.

Well, this was good. We got a nice glimpse of who the characters are for the most part, although I feel like we still don't know all that much about the main character yet. At the same time, that doesn't necessarily have to completely be crammed into the first chapter.
As for the whole Kali thing, I think you should make it just a little more subtle. My suggestion is to foreshadow it, instead of bluntly stating that something doesn't seem right. This didn't have anything all-too insanely exciting, but it was a nice start.
I'll keep my eyes open for the next chapter. Keep writing.
~StoryWeaver