Published April 13, 2010
I know this is kind of short...
Chapter One; Corren
The blanket of fog over the port was the early grey of dawn. The air hung heavy with moisture, clammy to the touch. It clung to my skin like cold hands I couldn't pry off. It made me uneasy, I was crippled in the fog. I couldn't see the guards from my rooftop perch, which was never a good sign. They were like hawks, waiting to sour down on a defenseless rabbit. With my good luck charm and trained falcon, I was far from defenseless, but a rabbit still the same. I was their game; my blood their prize.
Montsu, meaning "Swift one" in Churon, my native language, circled overhead. He wheeled when he saw me and screeched.
"Fly! The men with the sharp sticks come to your roost!" Montsu thought to me.
At any other time, I would have laughed at his crude translation of swords, but the dire situation was no time to make jokes. I chastised myself for being so stupid, I had left myself no escape. The only way off this rooftop was down the adobe steps that resounded with the heavy footfalls of the guards. Through Montsu's eyes, I could see my face was ashen as I lept off the roof, in an ark of fearless defiance of gravity. I landed suddenly, stumbling on a garden balcony, common among nabobs. I thanked my gods for this miracle decked out in rose trellises.
"There he is!" yelled a voice I had hoped to never hear again. And I ran.
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139,471 Literary Works • 672,573 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy..this is an interesting piece here. At first glance I think it would make for a wonderful start to a first chapter with the sort of pace that you're managing to strike here. The only real issue that I have with this one if any is that it doesn't really seem sufficient to be an actual first chapter. Its not necessarily a problem of length either, its just that the scene feels rather incomplete here. I feel like you need to add on a little bit more for it to really feel final as a first chapter. Right now it seems you were aiming for a cliffhanger of sorts but it just ends up sounding incomplete here, at least it seems that way to me.
Moving past that into the bit of content that we do in fact get to see. This is actually quite an interesting piece here. We've got a little bit of action going on and what is a very clear bit of conflict. It all comes together rather nicely I think to make for a pretty solid opening. There's also a sense of a bit of a dynamic between these two characters as well and on the whole, its quite a neat piece I think, it just needs a little something more to cap things off.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thanks everyone. Just to be clear, Corren and the guards are human. I don't think that was clear in the story. I used a lot of simalies with birds, so it probably wasn't obvious.
Moved from Fantasy Short Stories to Fantasy Novels, since this is a first chapter.
Since this is so short, I'm going to be really picky!
Overall, even though there's not much here, I do like it. It caught my interest. I like the bird-theme you've got going, although I was a bit confused. Are they shape-shifters? Actual birds? Maybe you'll clarify further into the story. And Corren - is that the main character? I'm assuming Corren is a male, as well. Just need to give us those little details sometime.
Keep writing.
KJ
This is good and original! I like how the hawks can talk to him (Corren?)
And some ways you could improve ....
You repeated fog a lot here, you could replace the word 'fog' in the second sentence with 'it'.
I also think you could give more detail on things, like what time period this takes place at, or where the setting is.