Published February 6, 2009
Mist
You are lost
In an endless expanse
Up
Down
Left
Right
All foreign directions
What lies ahead
Is whiteness
Behind lies the dark
You stumble through
As the world grows lighter
Suddenly you stop
And Admire the horizon
A golden light pierces through the mist
And points you in the direction
But only you can choose
The path you want to take
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140,776 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
This was pretty good, but I think you could've added more to it. Why were you lost in the beginning? Did something happen to you? What made the light come? How did it show you the way? I wasn't crazy about the beginning but the end was great. Overall, this was good, just add a little more to it and it can be great.
Sorry if this was a little harsh... Keep writing!
i hope you are not easily offended, because i hate offending people. and i am a very easily offended person. i hate giving criticism, but hopefully you can deal with it better than i can.
im sorry that i have to admit that this poem didn't do much for me. it seemed a bit... trite, i suppose would be the word. trite, hackneyed, you know? i feel like its the same sort of idea that ive seen a bunch of times before. a good one, a relatable one, yes. but its a good, relatable one that too many people have found already.
dont get me wrong, ideas can be reused. just about everything we write about has been used before, in some form or another. but a writer has to do something with that idea that makes it stand out. i just dont feel like this poem did the job.
no worries, though. im certainly not mrs. self-righteous. i do the same exact thing, which is why is get so ridiculously frustrated with my own work. better luck on your next poem, perhaps. ill be looking out for it
I really liked this. I'm assuming that when you say "foreign" you mean "strange" or "unfamiliar"? If you are using it to mean "possible", then I would suggest doing as daydreamer says and changing it, otherwise it could be confusing.
I think most people can also relate to this poem, because we all get lost in life at some point. There isn't a lot to criticise. The lack of punctuation is a bit odd, though you could get away with saying that you have artistic license (I think you could, anyway, but some people would disapprove).
I'd like to see more from you, you seem to have a different taste to a lot of people on YWS.
Overall, I thought this was a good piece. I have some notes though.
First of all, there are some rules here YWS that are important to follow. So every story gets a review, it's requested that for every piece you post, that you review two pieces, making a 2:1 ratio.
What do you mean by this? Foreign dirctions. . . I'm a bit confused by this part. Foreign doesn't seem to fit here. Try replacing it with "possible". That might send a clearer message.
Admire shouldn't be capitalized.
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General Note: Punctuation in poetry is essential. Try going through this piece, adding commas and periods to the places you see fit. By putting in punctuation marks, you are telling the reader how you wany your poem to be read.
I think this is a good poem with potential. I strongly hope that you'll help the community by reviewing. It's an very important part of YWS. :] People take a lot of time writing reviews for you, so it only makes sense you'll do it for others.
With the puncuation added and with some possible corrections made, this poem could blossom. You have a good start and I hope you continue working on this piece.
If you have any questions, PM me anytime!
-dd9