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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence Mature Content

Starchild: Chapter 1

by kman134


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.

The night sky is so beautiful and clear; clear enough for the stars to be seen as they glistened so brightly. Out at night, a man with red hair and green eyes, wearing short, brown baggy pants with blue stitches that showed his ankles, a tanned vest with a long collar, and beige sandal-like shoes. The man stood outside staring at the sky and admiring the stars; however, something caught the man’s eyes. Falling from the heavens, a meteor blazed across and landing right into the ground, fifteen feet from where the man was standing. What in the name of Mithra was that? The man thought; he ran over, stumbling upon a large crater that was about 20-feet-wide. Inside, he saw a large, oblong-shaped object covered entirely in crystals and when it cracked, a loud cry was heard. There's something inside it! He entered the crater and began prying the rock open, despite his hands burning from the intense heat festering from it.

Once he had it opened, he saw the source of the lamentation. “My god, it is a child,” he whispered to himself, astonished by what he had discovered. He reached inside and picked the child up into his arms. The child was small, about two feet in height, having pale, yet lightly tanned, skin and black hair; he almost looked like a human child, but, strangely, the only thing that was different were the yellow eyes. He, also, noticed another thing unusual about the child; on his back, there were strange markings of four horizontal black lines stretching down.

He left the crater walking about twenty feet and headed to a small cottage with a straw rooftop, gray brick walls, and a brown wooden door with a rope handle on the side. Opening the door, the man was greeted with a voice, “Back so soon, honey, I didn’t expect you to be done with stargazing.” Turning her attention, a young woman with tanned skin, long black hair, and brown eyes, looked to see the man with a gentle grin; however, her expression faded when she saw him with an infant in his hands. “Ryu, why do you have a child in your hands?” she inquired, puzzlingly, eyes-widened from the astonishment.

“I found him inside a crater, Emilia, right after a star fell to the earth,” the man, Ryu, explained; he walked over to his wife, Emilia, and presented the child to her. She reached out her arms, grabbing the child and examining him up close.

She looked into the child’s eyes and saw the innocence within them as he chirped while forming a smile on his face; she stated, happily, “Ah, he’s so cute! This must be a sign from the gods!” she blushed lightly at the end of the sentence.

“You may be right, Emilia; for years, we’ve been trying to conceive a child and were unsuccessful, but, now, the gods have given us one from the stars.” Ryu stood beside his wife, looking down and smiling at the young infant. “What should we name him?”

Emilia replied without turning her attention away form the child, “I think we should call him…Sora!”

16-years-later…

The sun rose, bringing forth a new day; the sun’s light beamed through the open window and hit the eyes of a sleeping young man. Fluttering his eyes open, the young man cringed by the sight of the light, which caused him to jolt out of his hay-filled bed and onto the dirt-covered floor. Tracing a hand into his neck-length black hair, his yellow eyes looked down at his feet with his mouth letting out a sigh. “I had that dream, again,” he said to himself; for days, he had had a recurring dream of a strange world set ablaze by hellfire and being sent away inside a star. As he got up, he heard a voice call out to him: “Sora, breakfast is ready! Come and get it before you father eats it off your plate!”

Eyes perking up, the young man, Sora, ran out of the door of his room and dashed straight into the kitchen where he sat down at the end of a circular, wooden table where he looked to see a porcelain plate with two fried eggs and a slab of cooked meat placed right in front of him by Emilia with a smile forming on her face. Now, right before he could dig in, the front door flew open and walking in was Ryu who sat down at the head of the table; he then began eating the breakfast placed in front of him, as well.

“So, dad, how are the fields today?” asked Sora; he took a bite at one of the eggs.

Looking up from his meal, Ryu replied to his son, “Not so good, Sora; domarats have settled a nest underneath the ‘Bumi’ stalks. It’s gonna take awhile to clear that nest out before harvest comes; if we don’t, we won’t have enough crops to sell at the market.” His expression faded into a frown while he kept on chewing.

Sora pondered for a moment as he ate a piece of meat; then, he spoke up, “What if I help you out, dad; with two people, we might be able to get rid of the infestation.”

“Sora, you know you’re not ready to take on something s difficult as domarats, you’re only 15-years-old,” Ryu retorted, sternly, pointing his fork at the young man.

The young man grimaced; he hated being treated like a child. “Oh, come on, dad, I’m old enough to handle it. How bad can a domarat really be?” Sora stated, irritatingly.

Letting out a sigh, Ryu gave up, standing up from his chair and said, “Fine, if you think you can handle it, then maybe you should help out in dealing with the pests, but don’t say I didn’t warn you!” at the end of the sentence, Ryu shared a similar annoyed frown just like his son with a cross-shaped vein forming on the side. After that, he walked out the door, telling his son, “Put on your work clothes; things are going to get messy with what we’re going to be up against.”

Crossing his arms, Sora was pleased by this result; like his father, he stood up from his seat, as well, and headed back to his room to prepare. After he finished getting dressed, he walked outside of the cottage wearing a pair of black shorts, a gray tunic, and a pair of fringeless, blue low boots. Now, Sora was prepared to head out with a shovel in one hand and a bag in the next.

This is the story of a young man who, believing there is nothing special about himself, will soon learn of the catastrophic destiny that awaits him.


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396 Reviews


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Sun Oct 25, 2015 12:06 pm
Pompadour wrote a review...



Hello! Happy Review Day!

I'll make this quick.

You've used a semicolon incorrectly in your first line. Semicolons are used to string together two independent clauses (i.e.: full sentences, with a subject, verb, and object). What you have in the first line is an independent clause ('The night sky is so beautiful and clear') and a dependent clause (''clear enough for the stars to be seen as they glistened so brightly'). As such, a comma would be more suitable in its place. Another thing: there's a tense-shift, where 'glistened' should be 'glisten', seeing as we've been rolling with present-tense so far.

More on semicolons: take a look at this.

'Out at night' is unnecessary; we've already been told it's night in the line preceding this.

The description of the man's clothing seems a little unnecessary to me, too. At this point in the story, your goal should not be to describe your character's attire, but to hook the reader and create an engaging beginning. You can also throw the man's appearance in a subtler way, perhaps by joining his actions to his appearance (e.g.: 'He rubbed a sweaty palm along the side of his tanned vest, his hand slipping on the material.'). This way, you're killing two birds with one stone. Character interaction--with themselves as well as with their surroundings--works wonders.

Keep an eye out for repetitive phrases. 'The man' has been repeated twice in the same sentence and this can create unwanted monotony.

Falling from the heavens, a meteor blazed across and landing right into the ground, fifteen from where the man was standing.


*landing should be 'landed'.

*fifteen what? Metres? Miles? Some unit of measurement might be helpful here.

Another thing: The narrator has described what's happened, but the reader doesn't really feel the impact of it all. How close was the crater created by the meteor that the man didn't get hurt at /all/ when it crashed but managed to run towards it that quickly? Sometime in 2013, this meteorite crashed at Chelyabinsk in Russia; it was pretty small, around less than 20 m in size from what I read, and it still managed to cause a lot of damage. Science-fiction aside: When something crashes into the earth with this much force, it's going to cause a heck of a lot of damage, even if it's an oblong-shaped object.

The actual article.

Very Superman, by the way. I never understood why his pod didn't get crushed or anything, landing with the force it did. Maybe I'm just dense? But I'd suggest looking into this some more.

How can someone be pale but lightly tanned at the same time? o.o Or are they naturally tanned and look peaky?

...he almost looked like a human child, but, strangely, the only thing that was different were the yellow.


~Oddly constructed sentence here. I can't see why the narrator's used 'but' there if there's no actual contrast being created. 'and' would be just as suitable here. The comma after 'but' is also unneeded.

He left the crater walking about twenty feet and headed to a small cottage with a straw rooftop, gray brick walls, and a brown wooden door with a rope handle on the side.


~This sentence is a tad wordy. Split it up into two or more parts. Again, I'll repeat what I said about having your character interact with their surroundings. What is he feeling right now? What are his thoughts? What are his expressions and movements? Try focussing less on 'sight' to describe objects and try giving the other senses a little more justice, too.

I'm not fond of the time-skip. It's a bit clumsy and you could have started off a new paragraph just as smoothly, if you'd simply said, 'Sixteen years later, [so and so happened]'.

...his yellow eyes looked down at his feet and sighed.


The way this reads right now, it's like his eyes are sighing. XD Shuffle the words up a little, yeah?

I'd advise against putting the names of the animals or the plants in quotation marks--it puts readers off, because all of these things are supposed to be natural in this fantastical world.

I think this could use some work. There's potential, and I'm sure your writing will settle into a fluidity as we move on with the story, but I have three final points of critique:

1) Why is this labelled as a prologue? Why not just call it chapter one? It doesn't really fit into the category of prologue either, because it introduces us to the main character and is not a detached element from the rest of the novel. I can tell we'll be sticking with Sora for quite a bit throughout the novel. Prologues are usually meant for scenes that play a huge role in the novel; they're this mysterious element that are explained as we reach our 'turning point' in the story. This point in the story, whether it's nearing the very end, or is the end, act as an antecedent to the prologue.

Anyway, cutting the ramble short, this is a great article on prologues; check it out! c:

2) Pacing, plot, and superfluous descriptory aspects. For the first couple of paragraphs, the pacing is a little too fast. We focus on the happenings as these dominoes being thunked in front of us, paying little mind to the emotional experience. I'm really naggy about the emotional experience. XD I'd like to get to know these characters better, and perhaps explore the cause to their effect more? Some backstory would be nice as well. I'm not entranced by what they wear or the colour of the things around them as much as I am by what they do, say, and feel. The plot's a little similar to other sci-fi stories, so I'm eager to see what you'll do to make it stand out.

3) Perspective. So far, it's third-person omniscient, but it seems to be veering closer to third-person limited after the time-skip because you centre on Sora's thoughts. It then zooms out to third-person omniscient again in the last paragraph. I'd suggest trying to identify at this point what perspective you want to continue writing in and trying to establish consistency: it eases things up a lot later on in the story.

Overall, I'd like to see what you do with this! This world looks to be a fantastical one, which is certainly intriguing. Keep writing! Keep up the good work!

Hope this helped. PM me if you have any questions~

Cheers,

~Pomp c:




kman134 says...


Sorry about that; i meant for it to be a prologue, but then kept on writing and it turned into a chapter.



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Sun Oct 25, 2015 1:13 am
yizhongt wrote a review...



Hey there, yizhongt here to leave a review. Let me just get this out of the way and say that the beginning of the story started somewhat exactly as how the Kents found Superman when he came to Earth from Krypton. Just want to point out the parallel there. For the moment that's the only parallel I see between the two.

I have to say, you have written a really well written story. I like the descriptions you give about your characters, that being said, I think you gave too much of a description of Ryun in the beginning. It felt like an info dump. I know, because I do the same when I write. I also like the interactions between Ryun and Sorta, very well written. The story also flows well and does not stop and start abruptly.

I have one little small nitpick though. I've seen that you have created a few words for your story. I just want to point out that you don't need to put air quotes for them.

Anyways, I will be waiting for the next release of your story. Cannot wait to see how Sora's destiny unfolds. Until then, keep on writing !





Life is about losing everything.
— Isabel Allende