Hello! Happy Review Day!
I'll make this quick.
You've used a semicolon incorrectly in your first line. Semicolons are used to string together two independent clauses (i.e.: full sentences, with a subject, verb, and object). What you have in the first line is an independent clause ('The night sky is so beautiful and clear') and a dependent clause (''clear enough for the stars to be seen as they glistened so brightly'). As such, a comma would be more suitable in its place. Another thing: there's a tense-shift, where 'glistened' should be 'glisten', seeing as we've been rolling with present-tense so far.
More on semicolons: take a look at this.
'Out at night' is unnecessary; we've already been told it's night in the line preceding this.
The description of the man's clothing seems a little unnecessary to me, too. At this point in the story, your goal should not be to describe your character's attire, but to hook the reader and create an engaging beginning. You can also throw the man's appearance in a subtler way, perhaps by joining his actions to his appearance (e.g.: 'He rubbed a sweaty palm along the side of his tanned vest, his hand slipping on the material.'). This way, you're killing two birds with one stone. Character interaction--with themselves as well as with their surroundings--works wonders.
Keep an eye out for repetitive phrases. 'The man' has been repeated twice in the same sentence and this can create unwanted monotony.
Falling from the heavens, a meteor blazed across and landing right into the ground, fifteen from where the man was standing.
*landing should be 'landed'.
*fifteen what? Metres? Miles? Some unit of measurement might be helpful here.
Another thing: The narrator has described what's happened, but the reader doesn't really feel the impact of it all. How close was the crater created by the meteor that the man didn't get hurt at /all/ when it crashed but managed to run towards it that quickly? Sometime in 2013, this meteorite crashed at Chelyabinsk in Russia; it was pretty small, around less than 20 m in size from what I read, and it still managed to cause a lot of damage. Science-fiction aside: When something crashes into the earth with this much force, it's going to cause a heck of a lot of damage, even if it's an oblong-shaped object.
The actual article.
Very Superman, by the way. I never understood why his pod didn't get crushed or anything, landing with the force it did. Maybe I'm just dense? But I'd suggest looking into this some more.
How can someone be pale but lightly tanned at the same time? o.o Or are they naturally tanned and look peaky?
...he almost looked like a human child, but, strangely, the only thing that was different were the yellow.
~Oddly constructed sentence here. I can't see why the narrator's used 'but' there if there's no actual contrast being created. 'and' would be just as suitable here. The comma after 'but' is also unneeded.
He left the crater walking about twenty feet and headed to a small cottage with a straw rooftop, gray brick walls, and a brown wooden door with a rope handle on the side.
~This sentence is a tad wordy. Split it up into two or more parts. Again, I'll repeat what I said about having your character interact with their surroundings. What is he feeling right now? What are his thoughts? What are his expressions and movements? Try focussing less on 'sight' to describe objects and try giving the other senses a little more justice, too.
I'm not fond of the time-skip. It's a bit clumsy and you could have started off a new paragraph just as smoothly, if you'd simply said, 'Sixteen years later, [so and so happened]'.
...his yellow eyes looked down at his feet and sighed.
The way this reads right now, it's like his eyes are sighing. XD Shuffle the words up a little, yeah?
I'd advise against putting the names of the animals or the plants in quotation marks--it puts readers off, because all of these things are supposed to be natural in this fantastical world.
I think this could use some work. There's potential, and I'm sure your writing will settle into a fluidity as we move on with the story, but I have three final points of critique:
1) Why is this labelled as a prologue? Why not just call it chapter one? It doesn't really fit into the category of prologue either, because it introduces us to the main character and is not a detached element from the rest of the novel. I can tell we'll be sticking with Sora for quite a bit throughout the novel. Prologues are usually meant for scenes that play a huge role in the novel; they're this mysterious element that are explained as we reach our 'turning point' in the story. This point in the story, whether it's nearing the very end, or is the end, act as an antecedent to the prologue.
Anyway, cutting the ramble short, this is a great article on prologues; check it out! c:
2) Pacing, plot, and superfluous descriptory aspects. For the first couple of paragraphs, the pacing is a little too fast. We focus on the happenings as these dominoes being thunked in front of us, paying little mind to the emotional experience. I'm really naggy about the emotional experience. XD I'd like to get to know these characters better, and perhaps explore the cause to their effect more? Some backstory would be nice as well. I'm not entranced by what they wear or the colour of the things around them as much as I am by what they do, say, and feel. The plot's a little similar to other sci-fi stories, so I'm eager to see what you'll do to make it stand out.
3) Perspective. So far, it's third-person omniscient, but it seems to be veering closer to third-person limited after the time-skip because you centre on Sora's thoughts. It then zooms out to third-person omniscient again in the last paragraph. I'd suggest trying to identify at this point what perspective you want to continue writing in and trying to establish consistency: it eases things up a lot later on in the story.
Overall, I'd like to see what you do with this! This world looks to be a fantastical one, which is certainly intriguing. Keep writing! Keep up the good work!
Hope this helped. PM me if you have any questions~
Cheers,
~Pomp c:
Points: 27
Reviews: 396
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