Remembering is a funny thing.
When remembering, everything seems so much better than the way it really was.
The summer of us was good.
Just good.
But I, consumed by the tendency to relive my experiences much more vibrantly than how they occurred,
I like to imagine that the summer of us was unparalleled by any other couple who has ever walked this earth.
I like to think that you and I were untouchable by everyone except for each other,
though when I touched you,
I know that we were both sticky and sweaty from the East Coast humidity and it really wasn’t that pleasant.
I like to look back and think that we were lost in each other,
but in a good way,
like being lost in each other’s eyes or whatever sounds romantic,
but I know it would be a more realistic metaphor if we both were lost in a city and just happened to find our way out together.
I like to think that when we laid out on the grass,
we stayed for so long that it grew around us and into our hair,
That we stared out at the night sky for such a deep duration that the serotinal stars tattooed constellations onto our cheeks and noses,
but I know that we stayed out long enough only to return back to bed with mosquito bites as keepsakes.
The pictures I have of you are printed in much brighter ink than that of the actual memories they captured,
but when I look back,
all I can remember is how stupid and happy I was,
and it makes missing you that much more painful.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi there!
But sometimes I think you get a little heavy-handed with the "memories are so much brighter than real life thing." Like you've got these lines
and all of them on top of each other just feels like you're trying to make sure we really, really get it. I like the third of those lines best - it uses figurative language and imagery, which makes it a lot more vibrant than the other two. Plus the second line is kind of silly; saying, "I, consumed by the tendency" makes it sound like it's unique to you to relive experiences more vibrantly than they happened, but I think a lot of people do that. Nostalgia is a powerful thing.
Also, the structure. You have a lot of very, very long lines here, which could maybe work somehow, but to me it just took away some of the feeling of this being a poem and made it difficult to read.
I really liked these uses of figurative language:
(That reminds me of something one of my friends once said about love being kind of like falling into a chasm at the same time and catching each other. But less scary.)
If you wanted to revise this, I might even suggest parsing it down to the lines like these, that have the strongest figurative language and imagery - and also feel like they tie together, because they're all summery images - and starting with those as the basis of your poem. Cutting out all the "I think this" and "I feel that" in vague terms and trying to build up on this stronger foundation, if that makes sense.
Wow, I really like this poem because it is very realistic, "I know that we were both sticky and sweaty from the East Coast humidity and it really wasn’t that pleasant.". Also, It flowed together very well. I really enjoyed this line "That we stared out at the night sky for such a deep duration that the serotinal stars tattooed constellations onto our cheeks and noses," I think it's very beautiful.
I thought this was good and that the way you portrayed the speakers emotions was beautiful. I cannot see anything wrong ( I can't poetry good at all). But I am decent at flow and I felt that the story did flow VERY well. I enjoyed it good writing! Keep it up!
Heya, KM1717! GooseLuck here to do a review for you. So, let's take flight, shall we?
The first thing that I noticed when reading this was the overwhelming first person. It's blatant exact statements that do not allow the reader to put themselves in the place of the poem and rather take away from the emotional status of the poem. Let's talk about that?
Whether you're in first person, second person, or any of the third person point of views, there's one thing you can always do. Imagine, describe, imagery, description, etc. They're all the same, to be honest. Imagery can be a make it or break it case. It can make your poem perfect, but if you over do it it can be too much and you start losing affect.
What you can do to start this off is simple. Just think of your emotion and what things/objects or anything like that that come to mind whenever you think of that emotion. Got it in your head? Perfect! Put it to words, and let it flow. Let yourself pour out in the metaphors and imagery and let the story take place before you, and edit it later(if you need help, just ask us, we can help!), and that's that!
The next is the first few lines were capitalized then the latter ones were not, and I would suggest sticking a method and sticking to it, you don't have to have them capitalized.
Anyway, I think that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped. it has potential!
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, GooseLuck!