Young Writers Society

The sad part is, I don’t know if it’s me or you. I don’t know if my overthinking is gnawing away at the small bits of rationale left inside of me, or you could be putting in more effort. Since I have to question it, since there’s that doubt there, I suppose it tells me something.

There’s no right or wrong or black and white in relationships. Everything is on a sliding greyscale, more often than not, sliding it’s way past my heart to lay in the bottom of my stomach.

All I really want is for you to take initiative. To make the second-guessing and the fear dissolve. Yes, you warm my heart and my soul like no one else ever has, but the little things are always slipping between my fingertips, and I wish you would know better, to run to me and catch them, cupping them in your hands like the little flightless paper birds they are, subject to being crushed at any time. To go that extra mile to make me feel completely reassured. To make me fly.

There’s that back in forth inside of me that knows my own wavering emotions can spread thin across any feeling, any part of me, even when life is going just the way it should. How am I supposed to tell what it should be doing, when all I am thinking about is what it could be doing?

I think we all have these extravagant expectations about true love. How your “perfect” person is going to sweep you off your feet and take all the pain away and you’ll live happily ever after in some glitter dusted, fairy-ass looking castle stretching out over the greenest grass on that other side everyone is trying to find. The truth is, no amount of fairy dust is going to fix you. Nothing can swoop down like magic and take away the pain, but love can do one thing. It can help you heal. Not fix you permanently, but ease the pain.

The truth about the matter is, there is no such thing as a “perfect” match for any of us. There is such a thing as good-hearted, loving people who try their hardest to show they care. They’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to make mistakes. There will be miscommunication, fights, heartache, longing, loving, despair...plus every emotion in between. What this kind soul does that comes along is show you the parts of you that you never even showed yourself. The vulnerability, the acceptance of your flaws, the beauty in the chaos. Your person is going to show you the light when all you can see is dark for miles, and that is when you know you’ve found your person. When there’s not a doubt in your bones that this person can always help you find the light.

Will there always be doubt in your surroundings? Yes, because that’s what life is, life is nothing but doubt that you are forced to conquer in order to make you stronger, to ground those half-hazard thoughts whirring around in your mind. That light is what will guide you from the dark, to set aside the endless uncertainties, shed the weight sitting on every one of your aching bones. No one can pull all the weight off for you. You have to do that yourself, but they can certainly start pushing. Sometimes, that’s all you need. A push over the edge.

When you fiercely love for the first time, when you feel that warmth course through all of you, it’s one of the most euphoric feelings you will ever experience, but also one of the most terrifying. It means opening up your heart, showing your scars, wearing your insecurities like accessories.

It’s the unknown, the constant questioning, the doubt that kills me. I just want you to push down the fear that wells up in my stomach. There are times you can say something, or do something, anything, but you don’t. The silence is what eats me up. The things you could say, but don’t. Yes, I’ll have those moments where I don’t know what to say...but I feel like I always make you so assured of my love, my wanting, my care. I always want to make you feel like you are more than deserving of my love.

You are. You are one of the kindest souls and hearts I have ever met. At the same time, your quiet mind can scare me. I never know what’s really going on up there.

Then I start to think about how it’s probably the same for you. I know my overthinking can be overboard, completely unwarranted, but I’m sure there are times you question what I’ve said or thought and wondered until you picked apart the situation into nothing- because that’s always how it begins- with nothing. And it turns into a big something.

I don’t think there’s ever a pin-pointed moment when you’re going to know for sure. There will come a time when your heart is irrevocably and utterly full, but it’s not a single turning point. It’s a culmination of yourself and your other. At times, it’s going to be hard. It’s going to eat away at every part of you, it’s going to have your head spinning, it’s going to feel like nothing but the dark is engulfing you.

I suppose that’s why they say you need a certain amount of darkness to see the stars. Without losing myself, I would have never found you. By finding you, little by little, it’s made me realize the parts of myself that I have been missing all of this time.

I think between the two of us, we could build a whole new planet. Will it be ever-revolving in the madness? Of course. That’s why I have you to help me build the guide, create the cities our hearts will be built on, knock down the towers of the unknown. This planet may not orbit the sun forever, the sun is but a star just waiting to burst from the combusting heat, but our world will fade basking in the light. If that’s not what you call love, you can keep hiding in the dark. The light will find your way eventually.