Published December 14, 2012
Soon, it will all be gone.
Your warm hands will be three meters under, covered with cold snow and couple of mean leaves which will fall just to make the peaceful white plaid not peaceful at all. The sparks that are shining in your eyes will be extinguished by the tears that will fall and will be long forgotten as your mouth become closed with no will to ever open again for me. Our bodies will be tingling from the cold coming from our hearts. We’ll be holding each other, trying to press our bodies harder in order to not feel the largeness of the emptiness which has grown between us. The emptiness will grow larger until the very moment when you will give in.
And your words will echo in my mind.
It is all a bit saddening, my dear. Life hasn’t treated us kind. And it could have been better.
The bitter cold will make my bones hurt so much and undoubtedly, I will be forced to wrap my arms around me to cover my naked, exhausted body. Curled up, the pain in my back will spread to my skull and I will wonder… where am I?
And it could have been better.
I will stop glancing around when I discover that the yellows and the blues and the oranges around me have become shades of grey. ‘’Where? Where am I supposed to go now? Show me,’’ I will whisper softly trying to make my smile disappear.
Why am I smiling?
It is all a bit saddening. I will laugh victoriously because I managed to prove your naivety different. Destiny is not a friend of the ones that are lost. It’s all over, my dear.
‘’Okay, I won. How should I protect myself from the world now? With a couple of funny dreams I had yesterday?’’
That is when I will realize it was all in vain. And I will sink deeper and deeper in the cold-blooded ground with no strength to ever move myself again, for you, for me, nor for anyone –
Soon.
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139,616 Literary Works • 672,629 Reviews
This was a great read and I hope you will continue to write, but there are a few things I would like to mention, one in particular. It seems that you may be missing a few words to complete some sentences.
"...covered with cold snow and couple of mean leaves which will..."
It looks as if you need an 'a' after 'and'. That's all that I really have to comment on, but that might just be the style you write in, like a country accent or something! Keep up the good work!
Hey, not really a country accent, I missed a letter XD Thank you
To me, it appeared to be about some kind of an 'ending' and vaguely about death. I like this perspective of looking back at the past life:
The style of writing is very capturing, no wastage of words, strong ideas and images, and a quotable quote every now and then. You've done well!
Keep writing
Shoaib
Thank you
This was really to read. A few things though:
1.Your style is YOUR style, so this comment can be ignored if you want. But you used some of the same words more than once. Repetition with phrases is okay; when it comes to words, readers tend to get bored with the use of the same words. But hey, if that's how you write, I am not going to stop you.
2. Maybe break up that huge paragraph. It is a solid, very nice block of poetry, but the only reason I suggest this is because of the end. At the end of the poem, you scatter the lines and make it stylish and easy to read. That block makes it seem like you are just cramming it all together. The concept is so nice, and now-a-days, writers like to stylishly organize their poems. I'm not trying to sound cocky at all I assure you, but look at my two poems. Again, if this is your style, no one can stop you.
I have no negatives for this; it is wonderful from beginning to end. Keep writing!
Really enjoying to read**8
Thanks for the help, Antonio!