Leaking Words

We can only write well about the things we are familiar with; things we love, we hate, we fight for, we fight with; things we enjoy talking about and things we think is important to talk about.

I belong here. Here is where it all happened, even when I was not really here. Here is where my heart longs to be. Here is where I don’t have to look around to see if anyone is watching. It is here where the stars always shine and the sky is very close. Here is my home.

I often come here when I forget who I am. I come here when I forget that all I was ever meant to be is a fool – knowing who I am, what I want and what I don’t want, being unhappy and trying to find an answer is not a part of it. That is not a part of me and I’m willing to let it go. I’m willing to let you go.

Narrow streets and strangers passing by remind me of happiness. Strangers is what I often think about because I don’t think strangers is what they are supposed to be. When is it that strangers stop being strange and start being familiar instead? You were never a stranger to me. Is it in a moment you give that look to one another; the moment when you secretly share your worlds for a second? They are not strangers, they are friends we’ve never met.

 There is an old black streetlamp above me. I have never noticed how shattered it is. It reminds me of the streetlamp in front of your house where we used to spend our time. The soft light would make your eyes shine brightly, you would tell me how stupid I looked when I giggled when all you were expecting from me was to tell you ‘I love you too’. ‘’Honey,’’ you used to say, ‘’it’s pretty much obvious. It’s not like you’re able to hide anything from me, so please stop looking away when I’m looking at you. You look really stupid.’’ Now, the streetlamp makes me feel as if I’m caught at the spotlight and you’re looking at me from the distant abyss of the darkness. I can almost see you in the clouds which are guarding these lonely streets – you’re mocking at me pointing your finger and covering your mouth so that I can’t hear you. Your eyes are shining, you’re refraining from coming to hug me and kiss me and telling me everything is going to be alright because seeing me as desperate as I am right now you find so amusing. As the fog is moving towards me, by closing my eyes, I’m trying to convince myself that you’re not there, imagining the trace of thick clouds your plane left while flying away from me. Finally, I am forced to find my place.

Where are you?

In the safety of darkness, away from the shattered streetlamp, I’m looking at the old market with a big sign on the old chained door which says ‘’FIND YOUR HAPPINESS’’.  It was a warm night in July, I recall, you were sick and I made you to go to the beach with me in the middle of the night. While I was taking my clothes off you were lying in the sand with your eyes closed so that I would get worried. I cried out your name for a couple of times - you wouldn’t answer so I ran to you and slapped you on the cheek. I didn’t know that you were pretending that you were unconscious and just when I was about to call an ambulance you started laughing viciously, took me into your arms and threw me in the sea. It made me feel so mad that I hadn’t spoken a word with you until the next day. You told me than that you had had a feeling of utter happiness when you were near me. I remember that few minutes later I told you I was happy when you are, so we both smiled shyly and finally you leaned forward to kiss me.

I searched the world to find happiness. I thought I had found it when I found you. Now, as I let you go, I’ve been searching the place where it has always been. In me.

Today, I’m leaving you behind. I will open my eyes.

You had given almost all of yourself for us, but still there was a little bit more that could have been given. That bit of little was missing in the moments when I needed your trust, when I was out of words to describe how I was feeling. It was than when you couldn’t understand what it was like when you were away. However, that bit of little was always a little too much for me to ask and a little too much for you to give. If that little had been taken away from you, it would’ve been it – you would’ve been mine. That’s why you had never given it to me and that’s what I’ve never forgiven you for.

The night before our last one I hadn’t said a word. I had released no sound and it was hurting you so bad that I could almost feel your pain. Tears were streaming down your face but all I wanted you to do was to keep quiet. Not to talk. ‘’What the hell is wrong with you,’’ you shouted angrily. ‘’ Just say it! What’s wrong with you?!’’ I cried and after a while, when I was sure you were sleeping tight lying on the kitchen floor, I finally managed to answer your question: ‘’I’m madly in love with you.’’

Nevertheless, I’m smiling, looking at the shadows playing in front of me. You are no longer here. I’m not happy any more. You weren’t the happiness I had been looking for.

I have to let you go.

You used to tell me that you loved me because I was so simple. And yet simplicity is something you have taken away from me. This is where I stop and I’m going back to what I am. I’m going back to the moments of peace and the faces that are not strange. I’m going back to find the simplicity I’ve lost.

Where are you?

That is what I don’t know.

I let you go.

That is what I know.

Lovely melodies are coming to my head and I know that this is all I have ever dreamed of.

Where are you?

I open my eyes and someone smiles at me. I’m feeling strange because there is no question that comes to my mind. Not one doubt. And I smile back.

I close my eyes.  I let you go.  Are you here?

Do you see those yellow lights from across the sea we used to talk about so much?

No! No… You’re not here.

I’m not leaving.  

Though, I’m here and yet so gone.

Away.

From you.

I let you go.