E - Everyone

Compliance

Life -

I find it in your eyes, 

Their deepness

is whatever our heart is made of 

I'm sorry you never understood my poetry - because

Ah,  

it's that in the moments of pureness

(of nothing) - emptiness between the heights of your successes

And love of my soul,

It's in the warmth of my inhales, exhales - lightness that bothers this body,

And everything becomes darker and warmer and I often find myself floating in the hurricane of 

yourself 

and I keep me there till your storms nourish my spine

I wake up

untouched -

and I want to teach you all the words,

but I don't

I love,

I live

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User avatar
ketr3n
Review
ketr3n wrote a review · Sun Dec 07, 2014 7:34 pm

Compliance, the act of complying, is the act of according to someone else's wishes. Presumably, you mean that you comply to your lover's wishes, but do you mention any of your lover's wants?

I think it would be good if I went through the poem and paraphrased all of it, as I read it: I find life in your eyes. Your eyes' depth, is the depth of our (singular?) heart. You never understood me, and I'm sorry for that, but its your fault for not understanding how I feel. How do I feel? Light and empty, pure and warm. I think you're a hurricane, a storm, (a mess) and I gain energy from that. I wake up and need more of you. I want "to teach you all the words" and give you this poetry, "but I don't. I love. I live."

As I read, I could not help but think: this is a poem about yourself and how you feel, how you need a person because this person makes you feel good or energized. I don't feel the love though I think this was meant to be a poem about love - your love for this other and this other's wild nature (as when you described the person as a hurricane).

No good love poem is so introspective. "I find," "my poetry," "love of my soul," "I often find," "I keep," "I wake," "I want," "I don't," ...

None of this is useful in describing why this person nourishes your spine - sends chills or tingles up your back, I think? Look at this poem again, and try leaving yourself out of it. Look at the poem, and try thinking: Why did I write this?

"Life - I find it in your eyes" - What was it that you saw?

Like the other commenter mentioned, give us more. Give the reader the reason why you wrote the poem, within the poem. Let it be obvious. And let the poem be about the subject you write about - rather than about yourself. It will be good.

Keep writing.

User avatar
FancyDragon
Review

Uhm this was a bit hard to fallow . maybe you can try to be more descriptive or explain a tiny bit more. The thoughts were a bit scattered.

and I keep me there till your storms nourish my spine

This phrase here is a bit weird and doesn't flow well.

It's in the warmth of my inhales, exhales - lightness that bothers this body,

And everything becomes darker and warmer and I often find myself floating in the hurricane of

yourself

Here too its a bit strange and hard to follow. Not to sound nit picky it is just a bit choppy.



Doubt thou the stars are fire, doubt that the sun doth move. Doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love.
— "Hamlet," William Shakespeare