Life -
I find it in your eyes,
Their deepness
is whatever our heart is made of
I'm sorry you never understood my poetry - because
Ah,
it's that in the moments of pureness
(of nothing) - emptiness between the heights of your successes
And love of my soul,
It's in the warmth of my inhales, exhales - lightness that bothers this body,
And everything becomes darker and warmer and I often find myself floating in the hurricane of
yourself
and I keep me there till your storms nourish my spine
I wake up
untouched -
and I want to teach you all the words,
but I don't
I love,
I live
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Compliance, the act of complying, is the act of according to someone else's wishes. Presumably, you mean that you comply to your lover's wishes, but do you mention any of your lover's wants?
I think it would be good if I went through the poem and paraphrased all of it, as I read it: I find life in your eyes. Your eyes' depth, is the depth of our (singular?) heart. You never understood me, and I'm sorry for that, but its your fault for not understanding how I feel. How do I feel? Light and empty, pure and warm. I think you're a hurricane, a storm, (a mess) and I gain energy from that. I wake up and need more of you. I want "to teach you all the words" and give you this poetry, "but I don't. I love. I live."
As I read, I could not help but think: this is a poem about yourself and how you feel, how you need a person because this person makes you feel good or energized. I don't feel the love though I think this was meant to be a poem about love - your love for this other and this other's wild nature (as when you described the person as a hurricane).
No good love poem is so introspective. "I find," "my poetry," "love of my soul," "I often find," "I keep," "I wake," "I want," "I don't," ...
None of this is useful in describing why this person nourishes your spine - sends chills or tingles up your back, I think? Look at this poem again, and try leaving yourself out of it. Look at the poem, and try thinking: Why did I write this?
"Life - I find it in your eyes" - What was it that you saw?
Like the other commenter mentioned, give us more. Give the reader the reason why you wrote the poem, within the poem. Let it be obvious. And let the poem be about the subject you write about - rather than about yourself. It will be good.
Keep writing.
Uhm this was a bit hard to fallow . maybe you can try to be more descriptive or explain a tiny bit more. The thoughts were a bit scattered.
and I keep me there till your storms nourish my spine
This phrase here is a bit weird and doesn't flow well.
It's in the warmth of my inhales, exhales - lightness that bothers this body,
And everything becomes darker and warmer and I often find myself floating in the hurricane of
yourself
Here too its a bit strange and hard to follow. Not to sound nit picky it is just a bit choppy.