Shel Silverstein... Or Is He?

Shel Silverstein was a nationally acclaimed poetic sensation. His books were-- and still are-- read to children all over the US, each poem and story just the size and shape for a reading just before bedtime.

However, most people don't know that Shel Silverstein was actually a super secret government spy. In fact, "Sheldon Silverstein" wasn't his real name at all, as it happened. Mr. Silverstein's real name was Andy. Andy Smithers.

Andy grew up in a small suburban house in Macedonia. No, not that Macedonia. Macedonia, Ohio, a city of approximately 9.7 square miles and 9,200 people. Andy was a good kid, if slightly aggressive. His teachers reported several fights breaking out between Andy and his "friends", mainly over who had possession of the swing set on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Andy's aggression worried his parents, so much that they sent him off to military school to get rid of it.

In a normal story, Andy would get picked on by the other boys, then immediately chosen as one of the brightest students, to get shipped away to a lifetime of adventure. I'm sad to say, that is not at all what happened.

Andy was "a failure at life", as one of his commanders once wrote. He couldn't keep up in combat training; the only targets he was able to hit were the ones that he wasn't aiming for; and his mathematics were despicable. Then how, you may ask, did he become a super secret government spy? Well, like this.

As being a "failure at life" was so utterly boring no doubt, Andy started using his free time instead to write poetry. Because of this poetry (a.k.a. "sign of weakness"), Andy was picked on by the other boys. They called him names, like "The Mistaken Prodigy" and "Martha" (no, I never really got that one either). They never let poor Andy join in any of their games.

But instead of seeing a useless lump who would never be capable of anything but writing down his feelings, the government saw potential. They brought him in, read his work, (which really was surprisingly good), and hired him.

At the age of 16, Andy Smithers was already working for the government as a top-secret (if not entirely qualified) agent. They created for him the name, Sheldon Silverstein. "Go out there and write some crap," they told him. "But make it really good crap."

So off he went. The newly named Sheldon proceeded to not only win countless awards for his poetry, but also a Grammy for a work entitled, "A Boy Named Sue". Shel's work in the field, however, was twice as good. Not only did he succeed in stealing Vice President Spiro Agnew's toothbrush at a conference in 1968, he also procured valuable information regarding the Vietnam War. (Note: This was never proven.)

All of this back-story brings us to what's going on this very moment. Though 80 years, 8 months, and 28 days old, Shel Silverstein (Andy Smithers) is still in action. Sure, because of a mistake he made in his late 60's they had to fake his death, but you don't believe everything you read, do you? Well, you certainly shouldn't. Because right now, Andy Silverstein, Shel Smithers, whatever-- I won't drag this out any more-- is picking up his luggage after a short flight from Tampa, Florida. Some believe Andy might still be in action. He reportedly kicked another passenger on Flight 132 in the face for "attempting to decapitate him", while said passenger states that he had merely been reaching over to readjust his own pillow. Whether this means that the government operative is still at work, you'll have to decide for yourself.

Will the truth become clear? We may never know. The only thing that we do know is that yes, Shel Silverstein, government agent and poetic virtuoso, is still alive and kicking, quite literally.

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Author's Note: This short story is purely fictional, at least as far as I am concerned. Any and all names mentioned are simply being used for the sake of fiction.