A piercing scream filled the night, Dustan looked around but he could not see through the thick black smoke that made him choke and his eyes burn.
“DDDUUSSSTTTAANNN!!!!!” a girl’s scream filled the midnight air once again.
He ran toward the voice, his feet barely touched the ground he had to find her. Suddenly he tripped looking down he saw the cold pale faces of his parents looking up at him with terror. Taking a deep breath, he got back up and ran faster. This merciless killing had to stop. Finally, he reached the girl. A dark sinister figure held a knife to her throat, his lips curled into a disturbing smile.
“Let her go!” he yelled franticly.
“Ah so the brave Dustan finally decided to join us.” He laughed, the girl desperately tried to free herself but to no avail.
“H-h-h-how do you know my name?” he asked his voice shaking violently.
“How do I know your name?” He chuckled, “You don’t remember? Well let’s just say you are just like me.”
“I am nothing like you, I said let my sister go!!” exclaimed Dustan angry, he suddenly froze, just realizing what he had said.
“Ah so this is your sister? You know Dustan I was going to let her go but,” a sinister smile crept slowly across his slick face, “since she is part of the family.” And with that, one last scream filled the air, but this time it was not his sisters but his own as he picked up her cold lifeless body.
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Dustan jumped up pulled his knife out from under his pillow and prepared to fight back. But as he looked around no one was there. The unique blade had a green tint to it and the emerald gem in the handle shimmered in the sunlight. Sheathing his weapon he paced, the nightmare had been haunting him ever since that night; his young sister’s scream seemed to echo in his head ever since. Seeing the sun rising in the distance he quickly got dressed and ran down the stairs to the courtyard.
Picking up his sword he started to practice before the yard would be filled with other knights and lords. But they just practiced to be prepared for an evil that they had never seen or experienced. Dustan prepared himself every morning to fight the malice that awaited him just outside the great city’s walls. Where the sinister figure in his dreams lurked in the darkness of his castle.
“Dustan must you work yourself to death every morning?” a deep voice asked, Dustan turned and found his teacher, Captain Kosev. Kosev was a large muscular man, battle scars covered his body and intense green eyes made him look frightening, but his threatening stature was deceiving as he had a soft heart.
Dustan sheathed his sword and headed towards the stables, Kosev followed.
“Oh common Dustan, what’s wrong?” he asked concerned that Dustan had not replied with his usual sarcastic remarks.
Dustan walked faster and grabbed a halter off the wall and entered Jheuri’s stall, the black stallion pawed the ground fiercely when Kosev tried to follow. He backed off and looked at the seriousness on Dustan’s face.
“What’s wrong Dustan?”
“Nothing.” He was shocked by how dark he sounded.
“Dustan I know you too well, now tell me what is troubling you?” Kosev stared into his eyes.
Not well enough otherwise you would understand what happened to my family.
Dustan walked the stallion out of his stall and tacked him up.
“Nothing Kosev, I just need to go and think.” Dustan replied, mounting his steed. He felt bad lying to him but he had to find the man would murdered his family. Kosev held onto his reins, holding him there.
“If you wait a moment I will come with you.” Kosev picked his halter off the wall.
“No, I need to think alone.” Replied Dustan flatly, kicking Jheuri forward. They galloped through the training yard and into the lower town, and stopped at the gate.
He had not been through the gate since he had decided to become a knight. The gates opened slowly allowing just enough room for him to pass. Jheuri took off through the opening. Dustan didn’t care where the horse took him, he just held on and let Jheuri wander through the forest.
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It had been hours since Ari had seen water, but she had to carry on she had to find the man she was sent to find. All of a sudden everything around her went black. The last thing she saw were the tall trees of the surrounding forest.
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Dustan saw her, a sleek woman walking aimlessly through the forest; suddenly she fell over hitting her head on a tree root. Dustan kicked Jheuri and raced over to her. Dismounting he looked at her, she was skinny and her skin was white. Picking her up he checked to see if she was still breathing. He could barely feel her blood pulsing through her veins. Dustan quickly found a soft place to lay her, the sun was slowly going down, and there was no way he was going back to the castle. He grabbed his supplies from Jheuri’s saddle and started a fire.
He couldn’t help but look at her she looked so cold, he moved her closer to the fire. Her breathing didn’t seem to improve, and there was nothing that he could do besides wait. Letting Jheuri graze he started to cook a meager meal.
Her head throbbed everything was blurry, someone pushed her down.
“Take it easy, glad to see that you’re awake.” A smooth gentle voice said, helping her sit up resting her head against a tree.
“How long have I been out?” talking took effort, the sound of her own voice made her head pound.
“A few days.” he replied flatly, he came over and gave her a cup of a strange smelling liquid. She lifted it to her lips and took a sip, her head immediately started to feel better.
“What is this?” she asked, dinking the last drop of the strange green liquid. He fed more wood into the blazing fire.
“Juice from an herb.” He didn’t even look at her, as he answered.
“What herb?” she stared at him, but he never responded. His blue eyes were an extreme contrast to his wild black hair. He started to make a small meal for the both of them, when he was done he handed her a small plate and he began to eat his share.
“Who are you?” she asked when he had finished.
“My name is Dustan and I was a knight.” he replied dully, he glanced at her, “and you?”
She started to answer but found that she could not remember, she closed her eyes and dug through her head but it was nothing but a room filled with locked safely kept journals. She pushed harder until she remembered one thing.
“My name is…Ari.” she said slowly as if she had almost forgotten how to pronounce her name.
Dustan looked at her perplexed, “So where are you from Ari?” he asked digging for more information on this mysterious girl.
She shook her head, “I don’t remember.”
Dustan shook his head in disbelief and whistled loudly. A massive black stallion came galloping out of the mist of the forest. He quickly tacked him up.
“Listen if you take that path for four miles you will come to a fork in the road take the right path for two miles and you will see the city of Iughel ask for Kosev he will help you.” And with that he mounted his steed.
“Wait a minute; you’re just going to leave me here?” Ari shouted, Jheuri pawed at the earth.
“Well what else am I supposed to do you can’t come with me!” Dustan persisted, he didn’t have time to carry around a strange woman with him, and he was going where no sane man would go let alone a woman.
She grabbed his reins, “Listen Dustan I cannot remember much but what I do remember is my name and which direction I was heading and it wasn’t north.” She said sternly, holding Jheuri still. It was a lie she didn’t remember which way she was headed when she passed out.
Dustan looked up, the light that shone through the trees gave everything a greenish tone.
“Fine you can come but when we reach the nearest village you are getting off.”
Ari smiled and athletically hopped onto the black stallion’s back holding on to Dustan for support. Dustan lightly tapped Jheuri’s side and he leapt into a gallop.
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They rode for days without stopping, they quickly ran out of supplies. Jheuri ran so hard that white foam covered the stallions black coat. Dustan pulled him to a stop and dismounted. Ari hopped off and started collecting wood for a fire while Dustan un-tacked Jheuri and set up camp.
“So where are we going exactly?” Ari asked confidently as she built the fire.
“Well you are going to the next town we pass.” Dustan said pointing his finger at her.
“Well then my I ask where you are going.” She was determined to find out. Ari did not know why but she felt like she needed to stay with him.
“No.” He did not even look at her, frustrated with the answer Ari sighed.
“Well if you won’t tell me where you are going at least give me a hint.” she said mischievously.
“Somewhere dark and sinister.” a muscle in his neck twitched.
“Well that doesn’t sound pleasant!” Ari exclaimed jokingly. “You should try going somewhere bright and cheery sometime!”
Dustan added wood to the fire, making it stronger. Ari made him feel excited and frustrated all at once, and her attempt to make him laugh did not help. It just made his mixed feelings worse. He was laughing on the inside but he did not show it, instead he rolled his eyes and changed the subject.
“So have you remembered anything since we left?” he said mockingly, Ari blushed, embarrassed.
“No….no I haven’t.” she said as she looked into the gleaming fire.
Dustan shrugged his shoulders and lay down in the lush grass and closed his eyes.
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The next morning they headed off again, Jheuri walked beside them relaxed and content. Dustan started to walk quicker, forcing Ari to lengthen her stride.
“Look over there!” Dustan pointed to a small clearing, there was a barely visible, small village. Smoke rose from the many chimneys, and a faint sent of fresh bread made its way towards them the wind sweeping it up.
They both leapt onto Jheuri and quickly galloped towards the town. Finally they reached a small tavern and dismounted.
“Here take this,” Dustan handed Ari a little purse full of coins, “and get yourself some supplies and a place to stay.” he started to walk off. Ari snatched his arm spinning him around.
“And what exactly do you plan to do? Dump me here in the middle of nowhere!” she raised her voice mockingly.
“Well what else am I supposed to do? Stay with you?” he shouted back, rolling his eyes.
“Well yeah Dustan that would be the knightly thing to do.” she answered back.
Dustan ran his hand through his dark hair, what could he do? After all she was right, abandoning her here with no memory of where she came from or who she is.
“Fine I will stay for one night.” he sighed, Ari nodded triumphantly and headed off to go get some supplies while he got them their rooms.
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Ari led the spotted stallion down the crowded streets. The supplies she had bought were strapped to the new saddle and bridle she had acquired with him. She made her way through the town, suddenly her head started to ache, she rubbed her temples relieving the pain. Finally she was back at the tavern. The stable hand took the stallion and Ari carried in the supplies. The owner of the tavern a stout lady helped her to Dustan’s room.
When they reached the chambers the hostess left and went back to her duties. Leaving Ari and Dustan alone. “I bought two weeks’ worth of supplies and I bought a nice horse.”
It better not be a stallion.
“What’s wrong with a stallion?” Ari exclaimed, “Jheuri is a stallion!”
Dustan was shocked, he hadn’t even said a word, “Ari I didn’t say anything.” He placed one hand on the hilt of his sword.
“What do you mean you didn’t say anything? I heard you!”
Dustan couldn’t believe it she could read his mind! But how was he going to make her realize that he had not said anything? He looked straight in her eyes.
Ari look at me are my lips moving?
She looked at Dustan his lips were not moving she backed up against the wall, how could she hear other peoples thoughts, and why was it all of the sudden acting up now.
Dustan relaxed, it was clear now that she had truly lost her memory. He walked over to her and grabbed her by the arm and led her to the bed. She sat down on the hay filled mattress, as Dustan left the room.
He quickly returned with a glass of somewhat clear glass of water and handed it to her.
“Here drink this.”
Ari took the glass and looked at the water inside it, “What did you put in it this time?”
Dustan smiled, “Oh nothing.” He said mischievously.
Ari smiled and drank, “You know this water kind of tastes like dirt.”
Dustan laughed, “Yeah the water around here is full of it!”
He looked through all the supplies she had bought while she sat on the bed and finished her water.
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Alright I've only read the first chapter but so far I love what I've seen. You've got a solid plot, an interesting and sinister villain, the requisite surly hero, and a mysterious damsel in distress. I will definetly keep reading and reviewing the later chapters.
I found a few things that I think could be altered a little to improve the realism of the story. First, the way Dustan orders the man to let his sister go implies that he is repeating himself. Take out the 'I said' part, it will work better with the context of the scene.
Having the horse start at a gallop is a bad idea, novels need to be realistic. While a hero galloping off into the sunrise makes for a pretty picture, the horse would probably end up lame within a few hours. You could have him move the stallion at a trot, fast enough to show he's hurrying but also taking care of the horse.
His meeting with Ari is interesting but a little confusing. She just collapses for no apparent reason? Maybe you could say something like, 'Suddenly her legs buckled with exhaustion and she crumpled to the ground.' Or something along those lines, give a reason for her passing out. She tripped, or she's tired, something. I mean, would you fall over for no reason?
The only other thing I could find wrong was the way Dustan handled her after she fainted. As a knight he would know at least basic first aid it's a logical assumption. The least anyone would do in that situation is put a bandage around her head.
Other then a few stumbles that confused me, this is a great beginning to what promises to be a good read. PM me please as you post later chapters.
Alright! I love epic stories like this, from what I can tell you have a pretty stable plot, you definitely know where you are going and that will help you later on.
So first of all, it's never a good idea to start a story with a dream/prologue, it's been done way to many times. Instead, start with an incident, for instance; What is different about today? What is something out of the ordinary daily grind that gets Dustan on his adventure? What's his call to adventure? Maybe his superiors need him to do something that he doesn't want to?
Also a good rule that any writer should know is that you should show not tell. I would suggest that you spread out bits and pieces of Dustan's back story over the course of your book, it makes things more interesting for the reader if you don't tell us everything right away. Personally I would like to seem more of Dustan's life as a knight, you tell us that he is a knight and you only show us a little bit of what he does as a knight. Another thing, why in the world does Dustan stop being a knight? Did he do something wrong? Did he quit? For most of the time I assumed he was still a knight until you mentioned that he wasn't a knight anymore.
Also I think that you need to get rid of these sentences.
Its unnecessary, especially since you are switching the point of view to Ari in the next chapter anyway.
Also would Dustan really wait several days for her to wake up? Would Ari really sleep that long? I doubt it but if you do want it that way, you better give a pretty good reason why she is asleep that long, Dustan also needs a really good reason why he is helping this random stranger he finds in the forest.
Another thing, if you are going to develop a romantic relationship between Dustan and Ari, you need to build it up more tension between them. Why should they be together? Do they "complete each other"? Where do they disagree? What is it that attracts them to each other?
One last thing, Ari's telepathic powers are kinda sudden, could you gradually build them up till she finally realizes that she has theses powers? Give little incidents that lead up to the moment.
I know that this is a lot, but I hope it's helpful.
Good luck and may your muse be with you!
Please review! I know the first 4 chapters are not that exciting but when chapter 5-18 start...the action begins!
ENJOY!
This is more like a Fantasy/Action and adventure
Note that I have not fully edited it yet...