Well, it didn't really make me cry, but it was moving. Maybe I'm just a wuss (entirely likely). Anyway, you need to work on commas. Indeed, check out Lynn Truss' punctuation book from the library (I didn't read the whole thing, but it had some good stuff on commas).
The last paragraph seems a bit awkward. I think a better way to do it is to nix the part about the best friend. It seems weird because we don't know very much about him and it seems irrelevant. I mean, the guy's already gonna die, he's never going to see his family again, his world is crumbling apart. It's kind of a good cap to all his problems, I guess, but it's a tad cruel to have him be murdered by his best friend amidst all that.
It just feels like there should be more to the story, ya know? Like this should continue with the little girl, then have her find out later that her father was murdered by his best friend. Or maybe reveal it in dialogue.
Anyway, I've railed against the first sentence of the last paragraph long enough. It's sad, moving and leaves me with many questions. It doesn't stand alone, but it's still pretty good.
Keep listening to that nickelback. Can't say I like 'em that well, but do whatever it takes get you digits twitching!
Points: 3699
Reviews: 86
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