Young Writers Society

Hellow,raindrop here,kiwicutie!
I am here to check your short but still satisfying work now.
So let's start with the first thing the readers actually see,the tittle.
In my opinion it is kinda long and could be wrote simplier but still caught my eye enough to check it out.
With that put aside,let's check everything else:





(i write it together with my corrections)


I guess you could say 'trouble' and I will reply like 'two brothers'.



One of which always followed the other like a shadow, lurking around closed doors and corners, waiting for just the right moment to jump out and fuck up my life. The first time that happened was when I was born, January 24th, to be exact. Mom had me in a hospital all the way on the west-side of town, and dad worked in the south-side. So, in a mad dash to be there just in time, he'd gotten in a pretty bad wreck.



(removed the sentence here)



He'd swerved off the road, rammed into a semi, and then crashed into a tree head-on.
(rammed into a semi or crashed into a tree,one of them not both so choose)

Oh, but here's the best part, tree fell onto his car, causing it to explode. It took the police fifteen minutes to get there, or so I had been told, and the firemen - twenty.



By the time it was all over, the only thing they managed to salvage from the carnage was the stuffed bear dad had planned on giving me.



So, that's when troubles came into the family/that's when the family became a trouble.




And here I am now, fifteen years later, sitting in the passenger's seat of my sister Reba's 2001 Chevy Impala. Today, marked the sixth school I'd been expelled from, and yes, I'd been keeping count.



"Hey," a harsh nudge to my shoulder snapped me out of my thoughts, "Why'd you do it?" "What?" I said, staring at Reba wide-eyed and confused. She sighed. " Why'd you punch that kid in the nose, Daniel?"
(the blinking part was not in the right place)


Oh. That.



"I don't remember, sis." Reba gave a breathy laugh, shaking her head. "And I don't remember when you thought you could lie to me."



Shit. (italic)



What was I supposed to tell her? "Oh, all of the guys were rooting me on and I didn't want to disappoint them, so I gave that kid a what-for" Yeah. Like that would fly.



"You know, kid, there's nothing I won't understand."



I scoffed. "As if."



Suddenly, the car jerked. Reba cut through not one, not two, but three lanes. I clung to my seat for dear life.



Then, Reba pulled off into this little gas station. Surrounded by sketchy bikers and truckers alike, she parked right there. Reba turned to look at me, her arms folded across her chest with one eyebrow raised.



"So, what happened?" She asked yet again, "We're not moving until you tell me." I sat there, my mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. I only had two choices, both of which I didn't fancy at all.



The first one was to keep my mouth shut and sit here in this dingy, hole-in-the-wall gas station until Reba's patience gave out.



The second, just fess up now and get home by at least eight thirty.



"Look. It wasn't my fault. Me and the guys were just hanging out by the gym, you know, the one where all the pretty cheerleaders practice? And this kid came up and started talking smack about us. We called him four eyes behind his back, by the way.
Anyways, he started saying crap like I did and the fellas just looked like some rip-offs of the "greasers" from some book he read. The guys told me to teach the four-eyes a lesson. So they started rooting me on, telling me to "punch him square in the nose". So, that's what I did. One thing lead to the next and bam! I'm here."



Confessing didn't make me feel much better. In fact, I felt worse than I did before. I looked at Reba, who just sighed and started the car.



"Hey, little man?"



"Yeah, sis?"



"Remember how I said there's nothing I won't understand?"



"Yeah?"



"I lied."


Good job!The last line killed me XD

Haha, that was pretty good. I mean, not great or anything, but it was enjoyable, and in novels like these the winning points go to the ones I can laugh at the most and still feel bad for the characters involved. But I'm rambling again, as I'm accustomed to. Name's Ellstar. Now, let's start with the highlights of this little chapter.

-"And when I say bad, I mean bad. " I say this all the time, and unfortunately I'll have to say it again--you describe the crash in detail after this line, so the audience knows how bad it is. You don't have to reinforce it once the audience can see it. And if you do have to reinforce it, that means the crash isn't as bad as you might think it is, which is not true in this case. The crash was bad and the audience can see that. I suggest removing this line, because of that.

-""Hey," a harsh nudge to my shoulder snapped me out of my thoughts, "Why'd you do it?" I blinked. "What?" I said, staring at Reba wide-eyed and confused. She sighed. " Why'd you punch that kid in the nose, Daniel?" " Your dialogue can sometimes be a little confusing. Usually the form we see is "I say something," said me, or something along those lines. It can sometimes be boring, but it's easier to tell who is saying stuff. But in yours, it's a little blurred. Check out the "Why'd you do it?" line--it's followed by an 'I blinked', but the protagonist didn't say it. The audience doesn't realize this until the protagonist replies to the question, and now they're very confused. I suggest trying to clear this up a bit.

Now, onto the actual review:

As I said before, this was a very enjoyable little work. It's overall light-hearted, and even though I don't know what the protagonist looks like his monologue puts his shining and sardonic personality on a pedestal, which is what should always happen in first person POV's. Every bit of your character should be showcased in a first person POV, and for the most part you succeeded in this task.

Overall, a very well-written work. Good job.

Signing out,

--EM.

Hi Kiwifruit,

Thanks for writing this! Lol... "I lied." DAMN, that's brutal! You've got some great, eye-catching dialogue and wonderful one-liners. You've successfully piqued my curiosity, so please finish this story and keep us updated.

I have only a couple of quibbles:

1. How could a car smash into a semi and then into a tree? Wouldn't the truck stop the car's momentum?

2. It's actually pretty hard to catch a car on fire, even when it's dropped off a cliff. That said, catastrophic crashes do happen; I once saw a car flipped ON ITS BACK in the middle of the road.

3. You wrote:

"I don't remember, sis." Reba gave a breathy laugh, shaking her head. "And I don't remember when you thought you could lie to me."

You've got to be really careful to separate paragraphs every time there's a new speaker, like so:

"I don't remember, sis."

Reba gave a breathy laugh, shaking her head. "And I don't remember when you thought you could lie to me.