My Guardian Angel
Prologue
He meant nothing to me. Nothing at all. And now, he is everything...
He is my secret keeper, my loyal companion, my bodyguard, my saviour, my servant... my best friend. But most of all, he is mine.
He is in my dreams, preventing them from turning into nightmares. He is by my side, whispering words in my ear; words of comfort when I am feeling down; words of humour to make me laugh on the worst of days; words of wisdom when I am confused; words of knowledge when I am unsure of the answer; words of courage when I am feeling drained of all bravery. He is in my head, listening to my peaceful and sometimes disturbed and distraught thoughts. He is... everywhere.
It’s hard to believe someone like him is real, though it may not seem like he is. Sometimes it feels like one big, long dream. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s not. That he really is with me everywhere I go. That someone so perfect does actually exist.
It wasn’t until recently that I realised just how real he is. Just how inhumanely real he is.
I’m not sure where to begin, but the very start sounds like a good idea. The very start being the accident. If it had never happened, I would never have discovered him...
My Guardian Angel
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,777 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay this is quite some start to proceedings here on this prologue. It seems we're starting off not with any sort of general tone or atmosphere but rather we're diving right into these person's thoughts which seem to revolve around this very specific person. Its hard to say if this is mentioning something in relation to the title in a more literal sense or if we've got something of a metaphorical person happening here, but either way I will say this is quite the strong testimony to emotions here and it's definitely doing enough to pull us in as readers.
Hmm well this sort of seems to pan towards that main question I had earlier, and some of the words chosen there seem to hint at the not so normal version you could take this particular title in, but then there is also a chance that this person is just that awesome when it comes to looking out for the protagonist here. Either way, I think that's come together nicely to present a very intriguing question here and on the the whole this is a pretty solid prologue that you have here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
^_^ Hello~ Just a few suggestions. I'm Hannah, by the way! I agree with the previous comment about taking out the ellipses. I think that if you used the correct punctuation, the phrases would become just that much more concrete. For example;
Ending the sentence with an ellipse makes it seem like the narrator is slipping off into considering his/her last line. Maybe, just maybe, he isn't the narrator's everything? To me, that's what the ellipse represents. I think a period would make the statement final and give it a tone of truth, especially because it's such a short sentence.
The trouble with this passage is the complexity of the parallel phrasing -- you actually have two parallel lists in this same paragraph {one is inside the other}. The length of the list punctuated with semicolons takes away from the continuity of the 'He is' list, making the last line of this passage seem a bit out of place. Try cutting down on the middle list! Pick out one or two types of words that are most important to the narrator and mention only those.
The second half of this sentence seems to veer from the tone of the rest of the piece. It seems as if it addresses the reader's opinion of the person who is being described when everything else is the narrator stating facts as he/she sees them. I think you'd do best to just take out the second half, since you elaborate on the first half with the following sentences.
Is 'inhumanely' really the word you wanted to use? It's usually used negatively:
in⋅hu⋅mane
–adjective
not humane; lacking humanity, kindness, compassion, etc.
Even 'inhumanly' has a negative connotation, so try finding a different adjective to illustrate what you were trying to say!
It's a sweet piece overall. ^_^ Good work.
*kiwiauthor_13~
Here are some comments & thoughts while reading:
*Nothing~
When you say that he means nothing to your MC, doesn't that sound a little rude? Was he non-existent to her and everyone else? Was he quite and shy or outgoing and popular? What characteristics does he have? Jot down personalities from people around you and you'll come out with a good list.
*Too many~
Don't you think he has too many roles? He's this and that, but where is the real him?
*A little too perfect~
I agree with everyone who has reviewed on this piece. Your guy seems too perfect and has no flaws. Where are his mistakes and does he go through problems in life? Give him life and let him breath.
*Overall~
I think I might know what's going to happen. But I shall see.
I'm sorry if I seemed too harsh, but I just went walking in the fog and my fingers are frozen. Anyway, great job!
*Merry
Hey! i think a few semi-colons were unnecessary, but that's okay!
Hey, I see you only have one review! Oh, the humanity! Please, remember the 2:1 ratio: For every two review you earn one post! Okie dokies?
In that little paragraph right there it kind of drones on and you have the reader thinking: "when is it going to end?!" So maybe trying to shorten it or maybe even take somethings out would help because we get the gist: he whispers comforting words into her ear.
Hi there! I'm Jared, and I'll be giving you a short critique for this story prologue.
I have to say that this plot has been done a million times? But... I think you have something going here. You have me hooked already, which is a great thing to have already done.
One thing that I'll suggest though, is to loose the ellipses. (...) Those things. Not only do they make this seem immature, but they make it read really weirdly. So get rid of all those, and this should flow pretty smoothly.
I like the basis you have here, but I'm not quite sure on how everything about this guy is perfect. I really hope you aren't making another Edward Cullen type of thing. Perfect characters = bad characters. Really truly honestly. No one likes to read about these perfect guys with six packs and shiny white teeth. As sexy as they may sound to the girls, they aren't that much fun to read about.
Even if he is an angel, he still is a character of your imagination, and with that said, you may think he is perfect, but that makes an unbelievable story. We want real characters, even if they happen to be an alien from planet Oogabooga and has three heads and fifty toes. They still have to be believable. You get what I'm saying?
Even though you haven't given away too much, because this is only the prologue, I suggest that you dig deeper into your characters. Make them have flaws. Don't make them perfect, because perfect is boring.
Best of luck!
-Jared