I often felt a connection with Sylvia Plath. When I read her works, a lot of what she wrote related to my own life. I wasn’t suicidal, and so feeling at one with a suicidal woman didn’t make any sense to me. I kept my thoughts about Sylvia Plath to myself, because I knew that my friends would, understandably, think that I wanted to die.
Not that I had many friends anyway. But I didn’t want the few that I had to become overly clingy. I didn’t really mind not having many friends. Not having many friends meant a lot of time to myself, and ever since I was little I’d rather enjoyed my own company. In fact, I enjoyed my own company so much that when I was younger my parents had worried that I would never be able to properly interact with other human beings. I spent a lot of time alone in my room, reading and writing my own stories.
I was, in fact, sitting alone and reading one morning in January when my friend, Casey, came up to me. “Good book?” she asked.
“Indeed it is.”
“Plath?”
“But of course. The Bell Jar.”
“So,” Casey began, sinking onto the floor beside me. There was still a good ten minutes before the bell rang for form, and so the corridors were mostly empty. “I heard that Paula Simons is having a huge party next weekend.”
“How, exactly, is Paula Simons having a ‘huge’ party?” I questioned. “She only has three friends. And two of them are in chess club. I’m just saying, that doesn’t sound like a good starting point for a ‘huge’ party.”
“Okay, 1) can you really comment on other peoples popularity? And 2) don’t shoot the messenger, I’m just relaying what I’ve heard.”
“1) touché and 2) can we please not get involved in idle gossip? At least think about the likelihood of something before you tell it to me.”
“God you are so boring, Jenna. The best part of secondary school is the gossip that’s too good to be true!”
“Like the time that Ben Torrington apparently swam with sharks, without any safety gear?” I asked.
“Yes, exactly like that!”
“It’s such a ridiculous story though. I mean who actually believed him?”
“Why am I friends with you?!” Casey cried.
“Because despite my incredulously boring nature I’m actually wholly likeable and hilariously funny?” I raised my eyebrows expectantly.
“Sorry I fell asleep, what were you saying?” Casey grinned. “I hate you so much,” I replied, getting up off the floor and walking towards my locker.
“Oh look, you used words I can actually understand!” Casey called after me, and I couldn’t help but smile as I shook my head at her.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,004 Literary Works • 672,792 Reviews
Hello and welcome to YWS!!
I'm going to jump right in with my review!
The opening - I think it's interesting, but it's towing the line of info-dumping, in my opinion. I really liked the first paragraph when she (I'm guessing the narrator is a she?) compares herself to Sylvia Plath. I thought that was really interesting and gives us some good insight to the character.
However, this paragraph:
Feels like too much to me when you're opening your story. I feel like a lot of these details you can weave in later if this is going to be a novel. I think you could cut out everything after the underlined part. All of that is interesting, but we don't need to know it right now. I want to get into the action!
I thought this was a little awkwardly phrased. I get that you were trying to transition from the "info paragraph" into the action, but I'm not feeling it. Is there a more exciting way to get into the action?
Where is she? Why is she there? Tell me more about Casey.
This was really dull because we don't know the characters at all yet. If you want to keep this basic exchange, give us a little more. Dialogue cues, feelings, thoughts, setting, etc. I want to get to know your characters and understand their world.
This is much better because we're starting to get a sense of the personality of each character. A few dialogue cues would help, though just to make it easier to keep track of who is talking.
You've got an interesting start here! My biggest qualm so far is that I'm not 100% sure what the plot is or where you're going with this. So far we have Jenna who identifies with Sylvia Plath but claims she's not suicidal, but is she depressed? (Is this going to be a book about a girl with depression? When books that tackle mental health are done well they're so so so so so good!!) Anyway, we also know that she has a friend named Casey that likes to gossip, but she doesn't, and they're in high school.
In terms of plot, think about what each character wants/what their goal is, what is standing in the way of that want/goal, and what will happen if they don't get what they want/their goal? This can change and develop throughout the book. Think conflict and stakes. Every chapter should have this. Even if it's as simple as:
Goal - get to school on time
Standing in the way/conflict - overslept alarm
What will happen if goal doesn't happen/stakes - detention
Let me know if anything I said was confusing or if you have any questions! Keep writing this though because I think you have an interesting premise so far!
This is extremely interesting!
)
The first line drew me in, but I don't really know why. It was extremely passive. That's not always a bad thing though. Veronica Roth is very passive at times when she is writing as Tris. I honestly think the narration should reflect the character, not the author. And, I really think yours did.
It really bothered be when you used the numbers, 1 and 2 like they were words in a sentence and not symbols. In any English paper or work of writing, you should always write out the words "one" and "two". Always. It looks better and immediately your reader knows she's reading the work of an educated author instead of an amateur who's still learning.
I love the wit in between Casey and the main character (what's her name, by the way? You never said.... That bugged me.
Overall though, this was extremely interesting and it really drew me in! Good job! Keep it up.
Her name's Jenna! Casey says it when she calls her boring
lol oh gosh... I see that now. My bad.