Published October 25, 2008
Tash
Through the fog and mist among
the pastel shores that have known no sun
a darkened figure stood alone,
head hung low and as still as stone.
His hair stuck out in messy strays,
the dreary color of coming to age.
Wrinkled lines that cross his face
a wicked sort of smirk in place.
The roar of wayward waters crash
upon the ashy shores of Tash.
A made-up land of dismal gloom
to hide the figures that stalk your room.
Under the bed and past the doors
of the closets and years of yore
has this figure roamed around
scaring children from town to town.
Now this monster has come to rest,
in his agonizing death.
A slow and painful way to go,
through the raging inferno.
Melted souls and cries of pain
shouting out for a desperate rain.
Spirits begging for a quick demise
instead of watching each others eyes.
Death is slowly creeping in
while Tash is bursting up again.
Soon the monsters will rise once more
just as they did in the years of lore.
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I really like this! There's only one little thing I want to point out:
I thnk 'shouting out for a desperate rain' sounds a bit odd. I would suggest you change it to 'shouting out, desperate for rain'. But you're poetry is far beyond mine..so do whatever you want (plus I'm not sure if it would sound better than it is already, or if I would just ruin your poem).. I agree, it sounds sorta like a dark fairy tale.
~MV
You created some amazing imagery in this and I really enjoyed reading it. The rhyming worked really well aswell, it wasn't like the whole poem was dependant on it which is why it worked so well.
The opening stanza however I think is possibly the weakest out of all of them, it certainly got better towards the end.
-The underlined part here dosen't seem to flow as easily as the rest of the poem, I'm not really sure if it is the way that I am reading it but it just didn't seem like a very strong opening compared to the rest of the poem.
That's all I can say I'm afraid, I'm not really an expert on poems! Still, I really enjoyed readng this so keep it up
Meevs
x
i actually enjoyed that a lot, which is uncommon for me on these forums. it sounds like the beginning of a dark fairy tale. keep up the good work like this, and i'll be pleased. it's good to know that there is some interesting, original poetry.