Published June 20, 2008
*Note: To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure whether to put this in Narrative or Dramatic. So if it is in the wrong section, please tell me. ^_^ All reviews are much appreciated!
--
Pencil
Dashing madly up the stairs
the clock ticks down.
No time to spare!
Rumble, rumble…
Louder it gets!
Twenty seconds to go
until it is missed!
I franticly kick
the already open door,
widening the space
to go searching some more.
The clothes stand in clumps,
the hamper over flowing,
my socks in a pile
near the little toy oven.
I stop to take a breathe,
the rumbling grew louder.
my feet start to fly,
but instead finds the powder.
"Stupid sister…" I muttered in spite.
The lipsticks strewn here,
the blush to the right.
I push past the clutter and
ran with full strength.
I knocked over a vase,
while trying to get length.
Away from the mess
and right down below.
I knew it was gone,
and I wanted to blow.
My anger was boiling,
“Now I can’t go!
This is ridiculous!
I am going to be late!
She took my pencil,
that deviant snake!”
As I gazed out the window
I knew.
It was there.
At my stop.
Waiting.
Waiting.
But I wasn’t there.
My stuff in the kitchen.
I wasn’t prepared,
Not ready to go,
My things were amidst,
And I knew who’s to show.
“The bus is here!” my sister called out.
Her voice full of laughter,
I wanted to shout, “Stupid big sister!
I know it’s your fault!”
But I was better than that,
I would stand tall.
So instead I watched
with a very deep frown.
She was walking down the driveway,
not making a sound.
But I heard her laughing,
and saw through her pack.
Down, deep in the bottom,
it stood very still.
A pencil.
My pencil.
…I wanted to kill.
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140,526 Literary Works • 673,365 Reviews
Well, I can relate to this! Not the hysteria-over-the-pencil part, but sisters doing what they can to annoy you!
My comments are Demeter's. You seem to know yourself the sections to work on. I think it's important to be consistent with rhyming - either full rhyme or half-rhyme.
I'd also have a wee look over punctuation:
I think the second two lines should be one sentence:
the clock ticks down -
no time to spare!
Although I'm not sure how you could link it to the first. A comma?
When I first read this, I actually thought she was desperately searching for a pencil because she had had an idea that was about to disappear!
*sigh* I had all those rhyming and refrasing comments coming Demeter. I knew that in some spots those things were wrong, but I couldn't help post it anyway. ^_^ I did try to fix all of while I was in the car though.
I did sort of intend it to be some sort of weird funny. My paranoid little character killing over a pencil. *giggle* I'll try to fix those parts that you pointed out as best as can. But I will keep the ending the same even though the title doesn't really makes sense until then. ^_^
Thanks for the comments, by the way!
-kittykat
Hey kittykat!
She's (he's) really overreacting about a pencil. I would quite understand her (him) if the pencil was made of gold or something, but now it's just feels surreal. Wants to kill over a pencil? Of course, this might be the main idea of the poem. It's so weird it's funny. I can't really tell. Poems are funny.
Yeah, I think the Narrative Poetry would be the one. After all, you're telling a story.
This was a little random, I have to say. The stanzas aren't equal, the rhymes do whatever they like. I didn't at first understand why the title is what it is, because I couldn't see any connection between it and the first stanzas. The narrator seems a little paranoid
This doesn't flow very well. Also, gets and missed don't rhyme. You seem to use rhymes in other stanzas: why not in this?
Frantically, I believe.
Flowing – oven? Oh dear.
I think this is what you should do:
1) Re-line some stanzas so they could be equal, or somewhat equal.
2) Re-rhyme some stanzas so they fit in.
3) Re-think the idea so the reader actually gets it.
Happy editing!
See you around,
Demeter xx
I like this poem a lot! The ending made me laugh. Too bad I don't know what that would feel like...
Anyway, this was a great poem. I think it should be in the narrative section, though. Overall, great job.^^