That night we bought a hotel room, but there were only two beds so I slept on the floor. I didn't fall asleep until one in the morning. I was wondering what Feyta and Michael were up to. Were they sad that I was gone? Were they scared?
I know I was scared, I was scared of dying. I didn't want to leave this world, I wanted to stay with Feyta and Michael. I wanted to stay with my family.
"Alora, are you awake?" I could hear Kanes voice calling to me. I opened my eyes and he was staring down at me. I let out a little scream, but luckily it wasn't loud enough to wake the others.
"I couldn't sleep, so I wanted to see if anyone else was awake, and you were the only one who responded. You want to take a walk with me?" He started to put his shoes on before I could even answer his question.
"Uhh, yeah sure, why not" I yawned, stretched my legs, and got up to put on my shoes. We quietly opened the door and stepped out into the quiet hallway.
The town was so silent at night. We just walked down the winding roads, not talking. After ten minutes, one of us was brave enough to say something.
"So Alora, how old are you?"
"I'm fifteen, how about you?"
"I'm fifteen too, wait so Kiki-- I mean Claire said your name Bri?"
"Yeah, but you can call me Alora. So is your real name Kane?"
"Yeah, I thought I might as well use my real name, I couldn't think of anything else. I really like the name Bri, its so... exotic." Was I blushing? i could feel my face getting red. It was so embarrassing! I looked away quickly so that he wouldn't notice.
"So Alora where are you from?" Feyta always taught me about "Strander Danger" but Kane seemed pretty harmless.
"I live in a town called Greenfalls. I just moved there, like literally two days ago. It's a really crappy house that my sisters husband bought. I live with my sister because my parents abandoned me last year." I didn't want to be felt sorry for, but I could tell that I was touching his heart.
"Wow, thats pretty harsh, I'm sorry."
"No, its totally fine, I hated them anyway, its kind of complicated." But thing is, it wasn't very complicated, I just didn't want to talk about it.
"Hey Kane?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for being so cool earlier. I just want to say again how sorry I am."
"No its totally fine, I mean, if you hadn't bumped into me, we would have never met, and you would have probably been a solo player, and who knows what might have happened to you."
"Yeah, I guess thats a pretty good way of looking at it." When we got back to the hotel, the front door was locked. So, we had to throw stones at our window to get someone's attention, so that they would let us in.
"What the heck? What are you guys doing out there? It's four in the morning!" Carter was the one who let us in, he didn't seem to happy about it though, I didn't blame him, I was tired too.
The next morning was really hectic. We were going on our first mission, to defeat dungeon number one.
"Remember, whoever kills the master gets to keep the reward." Kane told us in a voice that made him sound really serious.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
This piece seems open to much improvement. I don't know what 'Blade Online' is, but I caught quite a few nitpicks that I can help you with
"Uhh, yeah sure, why not"
In dialogue, it always ends with a comma. I'm also positive that there would be another comma after 'yeah'.
The next morning was really hectic. We were going on our first mission, to defeat dungeon number one.
Here's something I do, too-telling something that is happening instead of expressing it. When you're telling it, it makes readers loose interest. You might as well just start out the scene and interrupt it with some type of symbol, like one of these: *
If you do that, I suggest putting it after 'I didn't blame him, I was tired too' in the space between those lines.
To start out the scene differently, perhaps you could put something describing scenery, the place they're at, what they're wearing-just so that the reader can get a better picture in their mind.
So, we had to throw stones at our window to get someone's attention, so that they would let us in.
Once again-your telling instead of expressing. I suggest changing this. You could put something like: As we neared the hotel, we realized that the front door was locked. "Of course the door is locked," I grumbled (Alora). Kane suggested that we pelted stones at our window until somebody let us in. Carter shoved the window open. "What the heck? What are you guys doing out here? It's four in the morning!"
That isn't my best example, but this is your choice. You can leave it the way it is or change it.
The next morning was really hectic. We were going on our first mission, to defeat dungeon number one.
Suddenly it ends at her saying 'I didn't blame him, I was tired too'. Suddenly it ends at Carter talking and at 4 a.m, and now its suddenly morning? I think I said this before, but I suggest interrupting it with some sort of symbol so people know that scene in your story is over.
"No its totally fine, I mean, if you hadn't bumped into me, we would have never met, and you would have probably been a solo player, and who knows what might have happened to you."
Even though I don't know what Blade Online is, they kind of sound like little kids discussing it and pretending they're in it. Perhaps you could revise it.
The town was so silent at night. We just walked down the winding roads, not talking. After ten minutes, one of us was brave enough to say something.
Instead of saying 'the town was so silent at night' you could improve it by saying something like 'The town seemed so silent without the (insert word here.. xD)
didn't fall asleep until one in the morning
To improve this- why didn't she fall asleep until one in the morning? Could she just not go to sleep? Was she worrying about something? You don't have to change it, but your readers might want to know.
This story has some real potential!
since I've seen SAO, i'm a little confused. I have no indication that this is the world of SAO. It just sounds like kids meeting in the real world. or in a chat room.
saying that the name, Bri, was exotic, is creepy. it isn't super creepy, but it sounds a little weird from the receiving end. I would rethink that.
Also, if this girl 'didn't want to talk about it', why did she, seconds ago, tell her sob story to Kane? and the way you made it sound, it was like she was trying to get his attention, which is, again, a little creepy. His heart, i'm sure, isn't that easily opened. there are a lot of people that have problems that he may have met. if he 'likes' her, which the way this is headed, i'm sure he does, that is an excuse though. But it's boring for her to KNOW that he likes her. No suspense.
We know they won't split up and we know they're going to split the cash, at least a little fairly. he's too cool for that. No doubt, she's too badass in battle for that... I don't think you should've added that line at the end. their new relationship is too blatant for that line.
ack. sorry. I hate reviewing. It makes me feel like a dream-crushing monster.
You have a nice story going for you, keep it up!
Thanks! But if you want, you could read chapter one, it might make a little more sense... but thank you for the review, I will consider what you have said!