Under My Skin

by kitrosemon13
  • September 8, 2010
  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

In a pale room,
freezing temperatures drop.
I'm scared and alone,
I keep hearing sounds.

Let me introduce you to my world,
voices from the underground are under my skin.
Wicked hopes landed me here,
without a conscious mind to keep me near the ground I sit on.

Black outs come and go,
hit forcefully blow after blow.
Now it all ends but I can still remember....

You under my skin.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
XChangeX
Comment
XChangeX commented · Thu Sep 09, 2010 4:57 pm

I really like this one. The way it's written, the concept, the message. The whole thing is really good.
Very Good Job
Keep It Up
XO Change

User avatar
Huff Puff
Review
Huff Puff wrote a review · Wed Sep 08, 2010 7:26 pm

Let's start off!
I really liked the concept of your work here; someone (whoever that is to you) right there so close to you, "under your skin".

Let me introduce you to my wor#FF0000 ">ld, #FF0000 ">Did you mean "world"? Because that makes more sense.
voices from the underground are under my skin. #FF0000 ">This whole line seems so disintegrated because of it's length. I'd advise you to change some of the words in order to shorten the line. Perhaps, you could delete "underground" or replace it with a shorter synonym.
Wicked hopes landed me here, Nothing wrong here :D
without a conscious mind to keep me near the ground I sit on.
#FF0000 ">I guess the same goes for this as for the second line.


Now it all ends but I can still remember....

You under my skin.
#FF0000 ">In my opinion, it would sound better if it was "You're under my skin." But it's no big deal and sounds fine the way it is.
So that's all! Well done & keep it up! :D



I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
— Bilbo Baggins