Published July 30, 2010
To build a house tall not narrow,
with a hunters weapons; bow and arrow.
Mammouth skin and leather boots,
a gun and knife a spit salon.
A workmans bare arms darken from the suns crule glare,
a womans dress ripped, torn, and bare.
Ammunition to calm the war,
the great depression starts to soar.
A hammer and nail to build a tent,
and rest at ease while others repent.
A house he shall bulid before nightfall,
to sing joyously to his friends and all.
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I wrote this so it could be like a timeline, from the ice ages-world war one (or) two- and to modern day. (:
I enjoyed this. I love rhyming poems! Haha.
I also liked that it was short, sweet, and to the point! Sometimes poets can get so wrapped up in their words that they go on and on and...you get it.
The second stanza was my favorite. I felt that it was the most visual and telling. I think if you took some of the energy from that stanza and spread it onto the other two it would improve the over all feel of the poem.
Is salon meant to be saloon?
I think you could probably expand on it and like the Modernist said make it a little more clear. I almost get it, it's on the tip of my toungue! Haha, read it out loud, print out a hard copy and take a red pen to it, cut it up, put it back together. Writing is rewriting!
Love and stuff,
Rory
First off, I like the theme. But the first stanza seemed a little estranged from the rest of the poem:
"with a hunters weapons; bow and arrow.
Mammouth skin and leather boots,
a gun and knife a spit salon."
"Hunters," "Bows and arrows," "Mammouth Skin" I thought you were talking about the ice age before you mentioned the great depression. That is Unless your trying to create a parallel of some sort, in which case the gun would be out of place too. I'm not quite sure what a "spit salon" is, probably just a typo.
On to the second stanza: "crule" should be cruel. You talk about a "war" which war, one of the world wars? or the "war" for women's rights perhaps, or is it a metaphor? It can lead to confusion especially when it's a historically inspired poem like this one.
Third Stanza: I don't think "tent" is the right word there, i know it's to keep the rhyme but you may want to play with the word order or word choice there. I do like the last two lines a lot though:
"A house he shall bulid before nightfall,
to sing joyously to his friends and all."
The first line shows his determination in a simple way, and in the second line, and I don't know if this was intentional, but it's almost as if his determination, in light of all the hardships of the great depression, is motivated by a need to show-off, by pride, "to sing joyously to his friends and all."
All in all, you touched on a lot of interesting topics and it can easily be expanded, but you can afford to be clear and concise, there's a lot of things to explore there.
-The Modernist