Suffer

Tell me something I don't know,
I am not perfect: nor are you.
Tell me you hate me,
though it's obvious that you do.
Make me suffer,
my pain is enough for you.

Fill the room with my feelings,
I promise the darkness will cover all.
You've ruined me,
am I nothing then ?

Yes I can agree,
shred my heart until all anger beings to consume me-

And smile as I suffer.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Abigail_W.
Review

Hi Kitrosemon13! Well, what Ace said ... I'll just fix a couple things up.

kitrosemon13 wrote:Fill the room with my feelings#FF0000 ">;
I promise the darkness will cover all.
You've ruined me,
am I nothing then ?


You don't need the space before the question mark.
kitrosemon13 wrote:Yes I can agree,
shred my heart until all anger #FF0000 ">begins to consume me-

And smile as I suffer.


I absolutely love how powerful this last line is! They're just five words, but they knock you off your feet. Nice work!

User avatar
ace1996
Review
ace1996 wrote a review · Mon Aug 02, 2010 4:16 am

Hi there! I loved the last line of your poem. Very eerie and darkish. Just a couple tiny things...
(Corrections/Comments are in bold)

Tell me one thing I don't know, This line seems a little out of place...try using "something" instead of "one" because it would help line flow better.
I am not perfect nor are you. Either put a semi-colon after perfect or change nor to "and neither"
Tell me you hate me,
though it's obvious that you do.
Make me suffer,
my pain is enough for you.

Fill the room with my feelings,
I promise the darkness will cover all. I seriously think you can make this stanza longer. And honestly, I'm a bit confused...what darkness? By "all", do you mean the feelings?
You've ruined me,
am I nothing then ? Take out the space between "then" and the question mark. Also, I think it would make more sense if you said "am I nothing to you?" because the previous line is "You've ruined me,"

Yes I can agree, What do you agree to? More lines, more lines, more explanations...
shred my heart until all anger beings to consume me- Instead of a dash, put three periods after "me"

And smile as I suffer.


I really like the idea of this poem. It's something everyone can relate to. It's deep and meaningful and it shouldn't be expressed so simply. Try to make it longer and you'll have a beautiful poem.
PM me if you do, I'd love to review :]

-Ace



For according to the trollish philosopher Plateau, "if you wants to understan' an enemy, you gotta walk a mile in his shoes. Den, if he's still your enemy, at least you're a mile away and he's got no shoes."
— A Blink of the Screen by Terry Pratchett