Published May 26, 2010
Hey, it's M. I made this song with my cousin a few days ago, and it's like a rap song but not really. Anyway, we all have things we go through in life and this is just expressing those feelings;
This is the way I see it:
I'm caught in a set back,
rerun tracks.
This is where I'll dance at,
romance at.
This is where they'll take me,
and put me into an aliens body.
Now I see what my eyes see, death!
Oh, isn't it lovely ?
They probe me,
and laugh see?
Aha, they say I'm a lame G.
Lame what? Oh goodie,
too bad I'm not a lil wayne freak.
I don't live to impress thee,
now this struggle is history.
Write it, take a lesson,
take a pill and stop the stressin'
They hate me, I hate them.
They're assholes, oh I know.
They look for ways to kill me,
call me crazy.
Crazy is not what I see,
these eyes see something way up above thee, I'm something lovely; special.
Instead of hatred I live above and beyond it.
And that's the way I see it.
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i really like this poem, you are a very creative writer.
The first thing I noticed was that you have punctuation. It's not always correct, but you have it, and that is great. The thing about poetry, though, is that it follows the same grammar rules as regular prose. An easy way to make sure your poetry is punctuated is to write it out in prose format and check the punctuation before reformatting it back into poem form.
Another thing I noticed was that your rhyme was a bit irregular at times, and that some lines seemed to be tossed in for the sake of rhyming. Rhymes rely on patterns in rhythm to work, and right now, there's no clear pattern to the rhythm. An easy way to ensure that the rhythm has a pattern is to make sure that rhyming lines have the same number of syllables.
Now, I realize that this poem was done in fun, and I can tell that you and your friends had fun coming up with this, so consider this more as "advice if you decide to write more poetry in the future" rather than "you need to fix this now".
hahaha, I liked the 'G' line.
anyways, down to brass tacks or whatever the hell the phrase is.
I liked it.
It diddnt change my life and I diddnt want to burn my computer, so it struck that good balance.
As far as a bullshit session of emotions and interperitations of your feelings, it was good, I got the feeling that it all came from you instead of a kind of mulled over thing that would have just been a bit flavorless.
The alien stuff was weird but I read it over again and liked it all the more because of it, it diddnt try to be something understated and 'classy'. Hell no, you said aliens and probe and you dont give a damn who knows.
Kudoes man, I liked it.
Message me for anything else you'd like looked at.