Pain

Hey there!

You have some good ideas coming across in your poem, as you've definitely conveyed a personal response to the subject of the piece of poetry. However, there are points to clear up. The structure of your line length, as a previous reviewer mentioned, could be broken up to improve fluency. What I'd also suggest is more thought on punctuation, in how you can use it to create a rhythm that compliments the effect. At the moment the punctuation is making it read in a dwell-like sense, this is because of the periods and line length. The dwell makes it dull in this case, which isn't good. I'd replace the periods with commas, semi-colons or other appropriate punctuation.

Also, I won't say the content is "cliche" because that has nothing to do with how well you wrote it, but I will say that your style isn't individual enough. There's no vibrant vocab that makes this piece stand-out and as far as I can read it, there's little pace. This may just be an opinion but I think it needs consideration.

the nitpicks:

Then maybe I'll die, but now since I'm alive my choices are deprived.

The tone change of this line makes the fluency sound to jumpy. One minute you're on the edge of dying, then you've jumped to formal language about your life choices. It's a bit confusing and uncomforting to read. Perhaps revise this line?

Save me before I lose myself,
I'm afraid because I'm alone.
It feels so....dark.
I cannot breath because of your pain.

I think here you need to think more about how their pain is your pain. Otherwise the reader merely sees your suffering as illogical. This thought happens subconciously, but it's something that could easily be fixed with some personal emotive language. You could merge your feeling into the stanza or perhaps have it as a tail end, however that would adapt the structure. It might create a good effect though.



Okay, on the plus side, this poem is personal, to the point and emotive. However you need to think about the points I mentioned because I think they'd help you improve your poetry writing. If you need further help or any points explaining PM me.
Keep writing,
Ben

Hello there
Well, the poem is actually interesting and I liked it. But there are a few things I thought need some attention. Firstly, that spelling mistake pointed out by x3CoFx3, but sometimes such mistakes can be easily overlooked so don't worry about it . The other thing is that some of the lines in the poem were just too long than the others which played a sour note with the general structure and flow of the poem. Maybe you could just edit some of them. For example

My emotions are out of wack, now I don't think I can get back.
The butterflies in my stomach make me drowsy.
I'm sick to the core,
you still keep me wanting more of your pain.

Could be like this

My emotions are out of wack,
Now I don't think I can get back.
The butterflies in my stomach
Make me drowsy.
I'm sick to the core,
You still keep me wanting
More of your pain.

just a suggestion

The emotion throughout the poem was constant, meaning that you may have repeated the same emotion or idea, stanza by stanza (maybe it's just me).
But overall, you can sure write. Keep writing.
Good job

To me this poem seems sloppy. Some parts of it rhyme, and some don't. The stanzas are different lengths. Also,

I thought I new you,

'New' should be spelled 'knew'.
I do like the feeling you put behind this, though. It's very angry and upset, you made me feel what you were going through. I just think you should give this a particular pattern or rhyme, so it won't seem so all over the place.