Published April 12, 2010
Another day has past,
now another is dawning.
Do you see it?
Do you see it here?
Are you with me,
to see it?
In truth,
no one can see it.
It's so dark,
am I alone?
I believe I am.
I can see it.
In the dead of night,
when a vampire strikes.
All alone,
but I do not pity them,
nor will I ever.
Come with me into the darkness,
let us hunt in the savage bliss.
Let us all write our letters,
my dear vampire in training.
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I don't know that a vampire is the most original topic to write a poem on at the moment (and that's a shame, because vampires are cool - curse Stephenie Meyer), and I think you could probably think of something more unusual to write about. Having said that, although the premise of the poem is slightly clichéd, the poem itself is well executed. The short lines work well, and, although it has no obvious rhythm (I'm not saying that it has to), it does have a rhythm of a sort throughout the poem as a whole.
The only spelling error is 'past', which should be 'passed': is past, has passed. The bit which doesn't work grammatically is this bit:
Neither of these is a complete sentence. "When a vampire strikes"... what? The first two lines are subordinate clauses: they both describe the main part of the sentence. Again, "all alone" needs to describe something, and the next two lines could work as a sentence on their own but by putting a comma in before you've lumped them in with the previous fragment. I'm not saying that you always need to use perfect sentences in poetry, but you have throughout the rest of this poem. I would suggest changing the comma after "all alone" to a full stop - it's not grammatically correct but it's effective.
The other thing you need to remember is that not every line needs to end with a comma or a full stop. Some of the commas are used correctly, but these ones aren't.
In these instances both lines are complete sentences, which you can't connect with a comma. You either need to remove the comma completely, replace it with a semicolon or make them two separate sentences.
Those are the only things I can see to improve on (although you might want to have a go at rhyming, if you're up to the challenge), and overall it's a really, really good poem. Keep writing!
Hello kitrosemon13! I'll be your reviewer today!
Take out the comma after me.
That was the only thing really. This was interesting, the ending really changed it from what I was thinking, but good job. I can tell you like vampires...
~Forest