This is going to be one of my entry's for the scholarship essay and art, tell me if it's okay. (:
Alone in a world so unforgiving,
losing all that's left of my humanity.
Wandering the streets as people stare at me,
cutting off every hold someone had on me.
Beginning where I left off,
back to square one again.
I'm masked and cloaked with shame,
of the only family known to me.
Leaving you behind was tragic,
I just left without a word.
I didn't even know where I was going,
all I knew was that I was not wanted.
For an empty mind of a heartless girl,
you say I'm missing but I'm just gone.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Thank you to all who reviewed this! (:
I personally think that this poem is beautiful. I find no faults in this. Poems dont necessarily have to rhyme to be considered poetry and ending stanzas with the same word is not wrong poetry either. Also just cause you dont understand it, doesnt mean it doesnt make sense. As long as you feel something from it from the work then the writer has done their job. And I def felt somethin from this. Keep it up hun:) it was wonderful.
Hey Kitrosemon13! I'll start with the nitpicks, then get to the general aspect of the poem ...
The first thing I noticed about this stanza was that you said the word "me" at the end of the last two lines, and "me" just so happens to rhyme in an odd way with "humanity," which you used at the end of the previous line. Either you're repeating by accident, or you're trying to rhyme; whichever it happens to be, it's not working out. Try deciding on a set meter for you to base the poem around, because this part doesn't exactly roll of the tongue, however beautiful the words may be.
I feel colorful today, so I highlighted a comma in green. Okay, okay, I also highlighted it in green because you don't need it. Any good poetry reader will pause at the end of a line anyway; that's what enjambment is for. That's one part of poetry I can't stress enough; if you wouldn't use the comma in prose, why bother with it in poetry? In most situations, poets lack more punctuation than authors!
For an empty mind of a heartless girl. I don't get that. Do you mean, "For an empty kind of a heartless girl?" I'm honestly confused.
Overall:
This is a very beautiful poem, but I think it needs something else. I mean, the description is apt and the figurative language was gorgeous, but it just needs some sort of an underlying metaphor or deeper meaning. Perhaps, there is some sort of an underlying metaphor or deeper meaning, and I just can't see it, but you need to make it appear, make it shine through. See what I'm saying?
Anyway, I hope this helps, and I wish you success in winning that scholarship!
- Abigail
Hello!
This was a very sad poem, however it doesn't make me feel what the narrator is feeling. I feel like a spectator rather than an active participant. I'm watching this person run away, but I don't have enough detail to feel like I'm experiencing what they're experiencing. Why is this person running?
Marijojo94 says you need more power in the finale, but I think you need more power in the entire poem. What you have here is an interesting foundation, but it needs to be expanded.
Whatever you decide to do, keep this line:
It's the first sign of another dimension to your poem. I love this idea that she's not just gone physically, but emotionally too. I would definitely explore that idea more.
If you have any questions feel free to PM me!
Write On!
Lette
Hi!
I hope you are not feeling like this in reality.
First of all...
Apart from the feelings (which it has) , what a judge will be seeking (I think) is the knowledge of literature, what I mean is that the ones who judge this will be looking for a poem who manages figures of speech etc, which I think this poem is lacking.
Second, I think you have to put more power in the finale.
I think it's a very sad poem
xoxo
PS: It's my opinion only and I'm not trying to be mean.