Published June 14, 2010
Over the years I've counted,
my loses and I've lost my will.
I refuse to fight over something that's right,
so I just leave my suffering with sleeping pills.
I'd never let the fights get to far so I just let go of it all.
I'm not afraid to see reason,
I'm just afraid of the light.
I am not good enough for the miracle of love and flight,
though I wish I had wings to fly overhead and leave this cruel world behind....
I must let go of this bitterness before it swallows me whole.
I only need life, and I can only live it as you can, too.
Note that my hate is only because I've let go of the things I've begun to love.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,831 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
started off nicely.
try to express it in a different way, imagery perhaps?
the rest is more of the cliche depression and hate. when i read this i felt hate, if that was what you were going for, you got your point across, now try to work on expressing better.
To be absolutely honest, this poem made me yawn and roll my eyes. It read to me as typical teen wangst, especially the part about sleeping pills. It also didn't help that this wasn't punctuated properly or that you had misspelled words (like "loses" instead of "losses"). In addition, you started out with a rhyme, but it just... disappeared, and with a lot of the words that rhymed, it was obvious you put them in just because they rhymed; not because they were actually important.
I suggest that you try writing this poem without the rhymes. In addition, to keep it from veering into cliche and wangsty territory, get more creative with your imagery and explanations. Be more specific. Don't use the first turn of phrase that pops into your head. Instead, try coming up with a way of describing whatever you're describing in a way that you've never heard it described before but that makes perfect sense to you. Then, focus on writing so that your reader can understand and go "Oh! I've never thought of it that way before, but it makes so much sense!"
Also, using proper spelling and punctuation is just a good idea in general. Proofreading carefully before you post also doesn't hurt.
Hello there, I'm flower and I am just going to tell you what I thought of this as I read it.
I think this is a lovely poem full of emotion. I think that a story needs to be involved in it though. Why are you like this, what happened to make you not care?
The only line that I saw that didn't really fit was, "I must let go of this bitterness before it swallows me whole." It just didn't fit to me.
-Flower-