Lost in thought I think of you,
to see a world unseen, to be made new.
Bloom into a rose then back into a seed,
or stay forever like air that blows in the breeze.
Little one stay here with me forever,
dance through the night sky like stars.
Dim the lights and twirl with me, please.
Beautiful red eyes that are warm in this light,
let us take flight into the stratosphere past the stars who aren't as lovely as you.
Inhale the air that will last forever just as you will my immortal child.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Rhythm:
1. 7 beats. This line, the first line, always sets the beat of the entire poem. If there is no desired beat, then fine. But if you would consider adding one, I'm going to give you a structure. This will be 7-9-7-9.
2. 10 beats. You could get away with 9 on this line.
3. 11 beats. Should be 7 again.
4. 12 beats. Should be 9 again.
Rhyming:
The rhyme scheme here has been done so often between kindergarten teachers to collegiate professors. Everyone's familiar with it, but it's nothing new. AABB. You new seed breeze. The next stanza is where it gets interesting. The rhyme scheme is fine if you don't mind conforming, but try to use more unique words, which will give you a chance to make your similes, metaphors, and references fresher and edgy.
Content:
The entire stanza lacks cohesion. Here's my point: I think of you; filler-line-that-has-no-relation-to-line-one; grow up, then turn into a baby again; or maybe I'll just stay the same. Maybe the last two lines. But the first two just throw me off terribly. It also seems as though you've used an elementary contradiction just to appear more ingenious. Appeal to me, the reader. Make me care about why you're thinking of whoever you're thinking of and why you contemplate such paradoxes as you did. My advice? Re-do the entire stanza. It's salvageable.
Line one is awkward; try having her in some other condition other than 'lost in thought' because it just seems...obvious.
Rhythm:
I realize now that you had no intended rhythm for this poem. Or, if you did, then you missed tremendously. Hah. But, just for the sake of things, I outlined it below again.
5. 10
6. 7
7. 8
Rhyming:
Here's where I got annoyed. You establish a rhyme scheme that, though used countless times, is a solid rhyme scheme. And then, in stanza two, you destroy it with only one redeeming line. Here's what I mean:
Rhyme Scheme for lines 1-7:
A <---done before
A <---done before
B <---done before
B <---done before
C <---fine and dandy.
D <---should be an A again.
B <---saved my interest.
Content:
Here we go! Suddenly, you reveal who you were thinking of in the first stanza. It does nothing to save the lack of cohesion in the first bit, but at least it brings it back around to the point. But still, I don't care about anything that the narrator is requesting or describing. I feel nothing, taste nothing, see nothing. However! "Dance through the night sky like stars" is nice. Just make me care! And what did you do to most of the adjectives? Are they locked in a closet? They're certainly not in this stanza! (poor 'little', all alone...)
Rhythm:
No rhythm.
8. 11
9. 20!?
10. 19!
I think it'd be better off if you broke lines 9 and 10 up into 9, 10, 11, 12...
Rhyming:
EAE(slant)
I have to admit... Clever. Though, be it intentional or not, the use of an A this late is a bit unnoticed. Now, if line 6 had an A like I suggested above, it may work. Try it and see.
Content:
I finally see imagery!!! Red eyes and beautiful stars. Hallelujah. I love the use of an inverted simile, comparing a comparative item TO your subject. Very nice. And this stanza just has a lot of sentiment in it. Which I love in an ending. That said, I finally felt something.
#FF0000 ">Altogether:
Rhythm:
7, 10, 11, 12
10, 7, 8
11, 20, 19
All over the place. If you consider putting a rhythm to this, consider making the stanza length even. It works, trust me. To keep your level of written material up to the point at which it is currently, the rhythm scheme 7-9-7-9 should be perfect. That's 16 beats every couplet, 32 beats every stanza.
Rhyme:
AA
BB
CDB
EAE (slant)
Again, if you want to even out things and perfect your rhyme scheme, then stanza equality would be ideal. The pattern you set up in stanza one, AABB, should carry on throughout the poem. Now, if you take stanza two into account, ideally you could end up with a poem such as (and this isn't all about rhyme)
Phonetic A, 7 beats
Phonetic A, 9 beats
Phonetic B, 7 beats
Phonetic B, 9 beats
Phonetic C, 7 beats
Phonetic A, 9 beats
Phonetic B, 7 beats
Use that system twice and you have a full-length poem, set in stone with a rhythm and a rhyme and you satisfy a world of poetic elements that are currently shunned. I'll write up a little meaningless example below.
Content:
I didn't like it. Not because it's a hopelessly horrible poem; it's not. It has potential. It's just buried under an amalgam of mess. It's just...not my kind of poetry. Sentimental, 2nd-person, fluff poetry. But, of course, it's an opinion. I know I ripped apart a lot, but if you consider all that I've said, then I guarantee you that it will come out better!
EDIT: Just a side-note, I don't really think this is very 'dramatic' for dramatic poetry... Maybe lyrical. Maybe.
-Lumiface
See? Meaningless example, but poetry.
Hey Kitro :]
Your poem is a very pretty and I loved the way you added in the air, the stars, and the breeze. My favorite line:
The line is simple and cute and it reminds me of something I wrote. (viewtopic.php?t=65543)
Okay, so I found a couple things that were disrupting the flow and rhythm of the poem. Nothing big, just a couple lines. Here they are.
This one doesn't really have to do with the rhythm. It's just a tiny error. Be careful though, because small mistakes like this distract your reader. "the" should be "that".
Comma after "one"...
First of all, the "red eyes" remind me of vampires and then I start to think if the immortal child is a vampire. Am I right?
Also, I don't think the word "that" is doing much help here. It sounds like it's getting in the way. Try something like...
Capitalize the L in "let".
In this line, the word who sounds a little out of place. I get if you're trying to give the stars some character, but try a different approach. Try...
This line seems too long for the rest of the poem. You also need a comma after "will". Try...
Alright, I'm finished! Sorry about being picky.
PM me if you have any questions or if you'd like to grumble about my fastidiousness.
-Ace